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How do you know if you're a good mum?? Lock Rss

I think I'm having a mum crisis & I'm not sure how to handle it. I desperately want to be a good mum coz mine was crap & is no longer really a part of my life. My MIL is practically non existent in my life, though regularly helps my SIL (her real daughter). My DH has been away for the last 5 days & regularly travels throughout the year for work & I really struggle to cope when he's away. I don't know how single mums do it, I really don't. My SIL just posted on her facebook that as a "single mum" (coz her DH is away with mine ATM) she rocks. That just made me feel soooo much worse as she has 3 kids. However, her mum has also been staying with her the last 5 days also. I don't hear anything from them & have been quite sick myself, struggling with DS. I literally don't have a mum figure to go to & I feel like such a failure. I think I'm an ok mum, but how do you know?? I never thought not having a mum would affect me so much, but it seems to just be getting worse. I have one child - I feel like I should be coping. What's wrong with me??
Sorry bout long post - just needed to vent.......thanks for listening.

i don't think there is antything wrong with you. I only have the one child & in the past when dp has gone away i have felt like i am struggling as well. I don't have a good relationship with my mother & i dont turn to her for advice on mother stuff at all so i know where you are coming from there. I think that it's slack that your mil hasnt been in contact to see how you are going with your dh away. your sil has had help from her mum so don't let her facebook status get to you. Im sure if she had been there all alone she wouldn't be writing stuff like that lol.



You know deep down inside that you are a good mum. everyone regardless of how many kids they have has these moments. Take a deep breath tell yourself how good you are & you will be fine.


my hat goes off to all the single mum's i don't know how they do it!
I dont think there is anything wrong with you at all. It sounds like you are doing a great job! Being a mum is hard work and to be doing it with little support is a credit to you.

You cant always believe what people write or say. They arent always being honest.

Have you tried asking your mother in law for more help? Or do you have a good mothers group you can go to for support?

You sound like a really caring mum who is trying really hard. I think this in its self means that you are a good mum!! Give yourself a pat on the back and take care of yourself xx
Being a mum of 1.75 kids (ha ha) I know EXACTLY how you feel! I take my hat off to single mums everywhere.

DH goes away for commitments to his sport and even with support from my parents (who I'm really close to) I find it hard.

I think if you're asking yourself if your a good mum means that you are - if you weren't you'd not give a you-know-what.

I'm struggling with the concept of 2 at the moment when I feel I can't handle 1 sometimes.....

I uses to ask the same question untill my Mother said to me" well your kid is still alive and he loves you"
If your child is smiling and happy, you are doing a great job.
Do you have any friends that can help for even a couple of hours a week to give you a break?
I'm a single mum, but I'm lucky to have help from my mum, dad and sister, so always have someone to talk to. As far as day to day stuff goes, it's tough getting everything done, but I just try to do maybe one or two jobs each day to keep the house semi-tidy and clean. Then in the evenings I just have to cook myself something really quick and easy for dinner and go to bed early to get enough sleep (my DD is 5 mths and still waking in the night).
In short, make sure you look after yourself, and try to have fun with your DS, everything else can wait.
There is nothing wrong with you at all. Being a mum is hard work but you sound like you are doing a great job! My partner works away as well but I'm lucky I have family and some friends who are really wonderful. Maybe ask your Mil if she able to help you? Are you apart of a mother's group?
Hi Micahsmummy,
I hope you were just having a bad day and are feeling much better about yourself now. For ages I have been meaning to put up a post in the sleep section thanking you (and C hippie chick) for your posts. My DD (10.5 months) is a terrible sleeper and I have been checking in on the huggies sleep forum nearly every day since she was only a few weeks old to try and find 'the cure'. So often you have posted with very positive advice to someone and it gives me that extra incentive to keep going and to have the confidence to avoid succumbing to CC, CIO or other silly methods (IMO). And you have been right, the older she gets the better she sleeps (well except for 7 to 9 months, that was a nightmare).
I think you are a great mother and i think you mother a lot of the other mothers on this site offering sound advice and comfort when they have a bad sleeper.
Sorry I can't offer help for your MIL, I often wish mine would give me more space so if anything I'm jealous smile. I know what it is like feeling like a single mum, my hubby works very long hours and even though he is home at night, I can't ask him for help as he really needs his sleep, at the moment he leaves for work at 2:20am so he's not really there for most the night anyway.
For what its worth, i think you are a great mum and have sacrificed a lot to make sure your son feels safe, happy and loved.
Keep up the good work.
P.S. I hope all this makes sense, I had a really bad night with my DD having a fever all night and am so tired I can't think straight.
smile

I don't think you ever REALLY know until they get into their 20's (or earlier if you're lucky) and have them tell you that, lol. I constantly agonise over whether I'm a good Mum, feel guilty if I have a bad day etc. It sounds like you're exhausted, lonely and fed up, none of which make you a bad Mum, that makes you like nearly every other parent grin

I have been a single mum and from a parenting point of view I actually prefer it, in the sense that I know I have no-one else to rely on so just make do. But when you have a partner that's not there, when they should be to help and when you miss them and wish they were home, then it adds all sorts of emotions and the sense that you are being 'let down'. Obviously in general I much rather being with DP than not but it has been quite an adjustment, lol.

I think we also put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be able to do it all and do it right, there's so much pressure from society about what they should eat, where they should be at developmentally, how much time they should spend outside each day, how much TV is too much etc. I think it can make you second guess yourself! I'll quite freely admit that DS can go to bed without a bath or we can spend whole days in our PJ's doing much of nothing. But he's loved, shown lots of affection, fed, clothed, warm, mostly clean (lol) and he's HAPPY, safe and healthy and that's what matters.

Having said that I have any number of people I can rely on if I need a break so I don't really understand what it's like to have no-one you can depend on but I do understand how hard it can be to be a Mum, and that for something that's supposed to be so 'natural', it can require one hell of an effort!

Do you have anyone you can talk to? Even if it's just on here? A problem shared is a problem halved as the saying go. And let hubby know how you feel, let him know you're not saying it's his fault but that you are starting to feel like you can't cope.

It may even be worth a trip to your GP to get some strategies in place to help you feel better.
We all stress over this because it is the hardest and most important job we'll ever do and there really isn't any training or manual or checklist to help us!! However, next time your son looks you in the eyes and smiles at you... you'll have the answer to your question!

On the issue of your mother-in-law (without knowing either of you) maybe you could ask her for help? I know my own mum is really cautious about not 'crowding' any of us with our own children, but is really happy to help when asked. Maybe your MIL is wary of being the dreaded monster-in-law and so stays away to give you your own space? She may be flattered that you've turned to her for support (appealing to her own mothering instinct). Good luck.
Honestly it sounds like you may have a touch of depression. You are very much alone right now and you need to get out and socialise, are you in a mother group?
Comparing yourself to your SIL won't help you. She is in a totally different situation to you, she has had to learn to live with her situation, while you are temporarily alone and it's scary and lonely. You have time to consider life and dwell in the past (re: reflections of your own up bringing). But stop thinking negatively, that's what your SIL is doing; her statement that "as a single mum she rocks", is how she brightens her life, you don't think she has bad days where she cries herself to sleep and wonders why she is so alone?
Why do you think your MIL is really helping her out, she obviously needs the help, while your MIL must think that you are strong enough to do it on your own. Maybe if you asked for help you would get it.
If not, stay strong, think positive, join a mothers group or go out with friends and if that doesn't work; seek help.
I used to think that when me & baby's daddy split...but you get used to it & as long as your DS is healthy & happy then you are the best mum ever! I've found a mums group & it's the best thing ever...Iv made new friends & baby is loving his new friends. Now I think hey this isn't that bad, we have our "bad" days where he is just crying for no reason but I love him & thats all that matters. Put a reminder on the fridge from someone else saying you are a great mum...My Barnardos lady did that for me & now I think i'm a pretty good mum.

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