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Step son!!! Lock Rss

My partner has a 5 soon to be 6 year old son. When we first got together 4 years ago, I didnt mind the fact he had a son, and just acceted it. Some weekends when the son comes around to stay it can be great, he is helpful and lisens. But lately, he has developed an attude towards me. Keeps reminding me he does not have to listen to me, as I am not his mother, calling me names. My partner tells him off but he keeps on doing it. He has even started hitting me too. I am getting to the point where I hate him comming around, and wonder what he will be like when we do eventally have kids of our own. I no his behaviour is learnt from his mother (who is as usless as tits on a bull). She also has a 1 y/o daughter to her new partner. I am even teaching at the same school as he is attending, but I no its nasty, but avoid him like the plague. He is unable to diferentate between being told off at home and at school by me. I have tried to talk to my partner, but he does not seem to uderstand. I dont no what to do!

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HI,
I have 5 step kids and the youngest is 7 now and i have known her since she was in nappies. I went through the same thing with her. She would tell me i am not her mother and i can't tell her what to do..
My first thought after reading your post, was have you sat down and asked him if anything is wrong? It sounds like he is angry about something? In my experience kids behave badly when they are angry, upset about something or feeling no attention (love) . And i am not saying you don't love him so please don't take that the wrong way.
And yes i to know what the mother does to rock the apple cart. ( I am mrs Perfect!!!!lol)
I think as a work ethic its ok and not Nasty to avoid him at school. You can still say hello. So dont think you are at fault there.

My partner and i have had many heated discussions about the kids and sorry they never budge when it comes to their kids.

i have had to earn their trust, respect and my place, not the other way round unfornately. This is purely due to the mother.
I feel for you as it is hard work at times, but it does get better. I also have two of my own kids to fit in and they have to all get along.

My hubby and i have had a son, 2 years ago and he is the apple of all the kids eyes.it has really bonded them. And we have another on the way which they ar so excited about. I just try to include them all the time with almost everything as they miss out on alot of love at their house with their mother.
My step daughter who is seven is now a good girl here at our home but when she is at her mothers she is a monster (apparently according to the mother)
If you ever need to vent or chat please contact me as i truely know the emotional rollacoater you are on.
Take care and good luck.

Amanda Qld

Posted by: Angelindisguise
My partner has a 5 soon to be 6 year old son. When we first got together 4 years ago, I didnt mind the fact he had a son, and just acceted it. Some weekends when the son comes around to stay it can be great, he is helpful and lisens. But lately, he has developed an attude towards me. Keeps reminding me he does not have to listen to me, as I am not his mother, calling me names. My partner tells him off but he keeps on doing it. He has even started hitting me too. I am getting to the point where I hate him comming around, and wonder what he will be like when we do eventally have kids of our own. I no his behaviour is learnt from his mother (who is as usless as tits on a bull). She also has a 1 y/o daughter to her new partner. I am even teaching at the same school as he is attending, but I no its nasty, but avoid him like the plague. He is unable to diferentate between being told off at home and at school by me. I have tried to talk to my partner, but he does not seem to uderstand. I dont no what to do!


First of all I really don't think it is fair to say that his mother is a useless as tits on a bull. Perhaps the boy can sense your dislike for his mother and so extends you the same courtesy? Secondly, lets not forget that this little boy's family has been torn apart by separation and that he loves his mother and father very much and maybe wants them together and who is standing in the way of this???? You and his mothers partner. Unfortunately because you aren't his mother, you need to earn his trust and respect as at his age he can't just give it to you automatically. Which doesn't make your job any easier I know, but in all fairness, you knew he existed when you chose to come into his fathers life. How do you know his behaviour is learnt from his mother? Does she tell you that? Does he tell you that? Kids react to circumstances quite innocently and did you ever stop to think that his behaviour towards you is a result of YOU. He is obviously a little man who is struggling with his emotions and needs the support and love of a solid family unit to help him through. He is testing you, probably seeing if he pushes hard enough, will you go away. Continue to offer as much love and support as you can and eventually he will learn to love, trust and respect you.

Firstly, I am not standing in the way of his family getting back together. My partner left her due to alot of factors, and meet me after all that happened, so I am not at fault here.
Obviously this is a very soft spot for you, as you have taken my message out of context, and it makes me feel quite angry when u accuse me of things (you may not mean too, but its all the in wording).
The child can be lovey some weekends when he stays but lately he has changed, and we all know its because he has no boundaries at home, and when he comes here there are certain rules he has to follow. His father has explained all this to him too. My partner knows what she is like too. Its as bad as she puts both children to bed, then shuts the door, and goes down the road to get drunk etc! We have asked him y he plays up, but he does not answer, even if his father asks him. His life revolves around psp and tv, we offer to take him places, but we always get no, then shortly after he wants to go home.
I am sorry if this is a little negative towards tou Preggars, but I think you have taken it out of context!

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OK. But "useless as tits on a bull", "avoid him like the plague" just to give you 2 examples. I also didn't say you were standing in the way of his parents getting back together, nor did I say you were at fault. I was just giving you HIS possible perspective. Im just offering you my perspective as a child from a broken home. Regardless of his mothers faults, she needs to be respected as his mother even if only in front of her son as he will sense your dislike. If she is leaving her children at home alone to get drunk, then I am sure you and his dad will be able to obtain custidy to ensure his safety. As I said, if you take the time to earn his trust, love and respect, you WILL come out the winner in the end.

I think you are being a little unfair Preggars!. Have you or are you in a blended family situation, trying to make it work as a step parent?? Do you know this boy? Do you know what is perspective is? I think angelindisguise has every right to say the mother is "usless as tits on a bull" she is the one who has to deal with the situlation and knows first hand wht the mother is like and what sort of home life the child has. I think she would know whats fair and whats not. Its not fair that the child is in this situation, and its not fair that this lady has to try and make some sence of it.
I just think you have no right to judge her on how she explains it. And just for the record my step childrens mother is a drug user. its fact and i know, which to my knowledge can make her usless too at times!

I have read a few of your responses for various posts and i feel you can be a tad negitive at times. We are on this site to support other people in the same or similar situations. If you have not been in this situation how can you pass judgement and or comment.

Sorry for this angelindisquise, but i am a step mum and i really get upset when people judge us when we do nothing wrong, we are just trying to make the best of the situation we get into.
[Edited on 03/04/2008]

Amanda Qld

Hey fluffy025, dont be sorry - u r more than welcome to have your say! I also agree with what you are saying - u r on my page! Clearly some people need to keep their opinions to themselves especially when they do understand what its like!
Rock on us step mums!!!!!!
We should join a club or a thread to tips etc (or is there already one)

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See, just because my opinion differs, doesn't mean that it's negative, nor judgemental. You said I took it out of context, I showed you comments you used that lead me to my perception of your comments. You say you want support, I offered support in my message, just because it didn't come all wrapped up in 'You are 100% correct" wrapping paper, didn't mean it wasn't support. I know that when we find ourselves in a difficult situation it's nice to be able to blame a mother who is a drunk, on drugs, or useless as tits on a bull, but you 2 have been put in a vary privileged position where you can have a positive effect on these children. And I am sorry Angelindisguise, but your post didn't exude, please help me help my step son, you came across like you couldn't stand the poor little thing. No, I am not a step mum but have had one. I am offering my perspective as a child of a blended family so that you may possibly look at it from the childs perspective, not just your own. And lastly, you asked for opinions by posting on here, if you only want ones that agree with your own, then you should stipulate that. I sincerely thought you wanted help, but perhaps you don't and just want to have a vent about your step son and his useless mother.

[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Preggars! I know that when we find ourselves in a difficult situation it's nice to be able to blame a mother who is a drunk, on drugs, or useless as tits on a bull, but you 2 have been put in a vary privileged position where you can have a positive effect on these children. I don't believe we are blaming anyone we are just stating the facts about the parent involved. And yes we can make a positive effect on our step children which is what we are trying to do by asking people in these similar situations to give us constructive advise not pick our parenting skills to pieces. I am sorry your childhood was unhappy and as you know all children are differnt and they all have different perspecitives about mum, step mum and dad , step dads. Yes i see you offered support/ advice, however maybe when you do offer support try not to judge first.

Amanda Qld

I do not believe I judged at all, nor picked on your parenting, just offered a perspective from that of a child in that situation. There is no need to apologise for my childhood as it wasn't unhappy because of a step mum. I understand that you feel the need to be defensive but really you shouldn't. When you try to fix a problem, you need to look at everything involved or associated with that problem and that means you too. That's not a dig or a judgement, just a fact.

[Edited on 03/04/2008]

Ok Preggars - lets just agree to disagree. Sometimes in life even though we may think we are giving guidance, it can be worded in the wrong way. Clearly I'm not the only one whom agrees that your words can come across as negative. I no this child and the mother, and from what I have said it is the truth, she is useless, and no I'm not saying that I can be a better mother either.

Until you are in the situation that we are in, then it might pay to keep opinions to yourself, becuase clearly u have no idea what its like!

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Hi angelindisguise,

I know some of the feelings you are going thru. it is very hard being a s/m. My DP and i have 6 kids between us, he has 3, i have two and we have one together. His are almost all grown up tho but they still behave like this at times.

My own son who is almost ten at times behaves like this and it was worse at the 6/7 year old stage. I was told by professionals that it was a hard age as they have so much going thru their heads but aren't yet mature enough to get it out there and hence it becomes frustrating for them. My DS's reaction to these feelings was to act out, become moody and in general wasn't a very pleasant child to be around. It turned out he was being bullied at school by a bigger but same aged child and didn't know how to handle it. It only came to light as he told a friend's older son (he was about 16/17yrs old) and once the situation was dealt with he became a much nicer child and was back to his normal self. This is only one instance of this type of behaviour and it did happen a few times but now he is older he is able to vocalise things alot better and we talk thru things.

I had the issue of my DP not backing me up also when it comes to his kids, there was always some excuse and they were allowed to walk all over me but these days that has changed. I wrote him a long letter explaining what he was doing and what had to change if i was to stay.

When he says i don't have to listen to you, how do you react, if you don't mind me asking. Also does he do this in front of your DP? My reaction to my DS when he was being nasty towards me was, that's fine but i still love you and if you can't be nice you can have a time out. Time outs are the worse thing for my son, he hated being excluded, still does but over time by being consistant with this he learnt that being nasty to me didn't work.

I hope this hasn't come across the wrong way, computer screens have a way of making things "sound" different at times...

Anyway, good luck
Nicole

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