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C-section guilt and fear Lock Rss

Hi Everyone. Sad Mummy here in need of some love...

My little boy 3 months ago, via emergency c-section. He is perfect, and I love him so much, but I am grieving over his birth.

We knew we were going to hospital for the birth because I'd been positive for GSB, but I'd hoped to have as natural as possible. Man, I was wrong on that count!

My waters broke in the small hours, but labour didn't start. About 6 hours after my LMC called me to the hospital for monitoring, the baby was fine but definitely no contractions. At 9pm we went back to hospital and I was admitted to start antibiotics. My husband had to leave me, so I had a long lonely night being woken to have meds, change rooms, get monitored... the next day dawns, and I'm exhausted. Still no labour, so they decide to induce me. I didn't really feel like eating. The first 2.5hours on synto where agony. No one had told me how bad it would get and I wasn't offered any pain relief. After 2.5hours I was begging for an epidural- thankful it worked! Around mid afternoon blood was present in my urine. The midwife thought it was probably just the catheter, but the obstretion was called. Possible obstructed labour, but too early to tell.

I wasn't allowed to eat, i really regreted not having a big breakfast! As the evening wore on I felt worse and worse. A c-section was mooted as a possibility but they didn't think it would come to that. By midnight I was fully dilated and started to push.
And push.
And push.
No baby.
Hmmm.. a few people came to feel around and 50 hours after my waters broke, and 14 hours after i'd been allowed to eat something I was rushed into surgery, tired? Scared and really hungry!

It took about half an hour to get the baby out- he was well stuck! The damage to my bladded and pelvic region took a while to heal! They took him off and while I could hear him I couldn't see him, finally after 10 min when I started to panic my husband got to bring my son to me.

I hated being so helpless and feeling so alone and exposed of the table. I hated I had such a passive part to play, that I couldn't hold my boy. I hated feeling like an afterthought- the baby is ok! Oh yeah the mum...

The worse part for me is I was told I can never have a natural birth- there is no way a baby can fit through my pelvis. sad

It wasn't until after I realised how close we had come to dying- thank goodness for the medical in NZ!

3 weeks after the birth we found out my father in law had cancer, so we hightailed across the country to see him. He died a couple of weeks later. At 6 weeks, the stage most mums, and certainly most c-section mums were just coming out of the house I had flown from AK to Blenheim twice and driven it once, and then helpped arrange a funeral.

I am grateful that modern medicine saved me and my boy, that i have a wonderful husband, that i can breastfeed.... but i mourn my loss of a birth, and knowing I can only ever have a highly medical experience. I feel so guilty I don't remember my son's first days. I hate how the sanctomums pity me, and act all superior because they had "a natural birth", like I failed in some way because I didn't. I hate people expecting an explanation, or ask too personal questions...

How do you guys cope? How did you feel better?

My physical scars are healing quicker than the mental ones.

Ps will edit spelling mistakes tomorrow- too tired now! Sorry smile
Aw hugs.

I remember feeling exactly the same after my first child. I was hoping for a natural birth too but ended up with a forceps delivery and required an emergency operation after the birth so didn't see my son for hours. I totally understand what it feels like but I promise you that years down the track it really doesn't matter to me. My son is now a perfect 4 year old and I made him and care for him and it doesn't matter exactly how he came out, I gave birth to him.

Just ignore people who want to talk about birth experiences if they're not supportive of yours. I now proudly tell anyone who dismisses my lack of natural births that my best experience was my elective caesarean and that I loved everything about it!

My biggest suggestion is that you see your GP or midwife about it. Having someone discuss it can help heaps and also help you understand more about what happened and why.

Hope that helps.
makalu wrote:
Aw hugs.

I remember feeling exactly the same after my first child. I was hoping for a natural birth too but ended up with a forceps delivery and required an emergency operation after the birth so didn't see my son for hours. I totally understand what it feels like but I promise you that years down the track it really doesn't matter to me. My son is now a perfect 4 year old and I made him and care for him and it doesn't matter exactly how he came out, I gave birth to him.

Just ignore people who want to talk about birth experiences if they're not supportive of yours. I now proudly tell anyone who dismisses my lack of natural births that my best experience was my elective caesarean and that I loved everything about it!

My biggest suggestion is that you see your GP or midwife about it. Having someone discuss it can help heaps and also help you understand more about what happened and why.

Hope that helps.


Ahh.. thanks for sharing your experience. My sister is pregnant and she is very scared of C-section birth process.While reading this piece of article, it gave her strength and a hope to move on with pregnancy easily. smile smile
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