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Sex after birth.. Am I being unfair? Lock Rss

Hi all,

I delivered a baby nearly 10 weeks ago and during labour suffered 3rd degree tears. My bub came through with her hand above her head and fist closed tearing muscles internally, I had to be cut externally to repair the internal damage. It took and hour to stich me back up!` Lucky I had an epidural so didnt feel a thing until the anasthetic wore off!!!!!

My ob/gyn said that it would take a good 8 weeks to feel back to old self again.
Once I had the 6 week check I was told that all was going great and was healing well.

We have had sex once which bought tears to my eyes because it hurt and I still get sore from time to time.

My hubby thinks that because I am healing and it has been 6 weeks all should be ok.
Am I being unfair? I just dont want to do it. What is the norm and has anyone had similar experiences?
Ahhh..............SEX! Every man's fav topic. I read that it takes about a year to get you sex life going regularly again, whatever regular means.
What you feeling is normal and to even think that you are being unfair is very hard to understand. I think your husband needs to be more patient. A LOT more! Due to the homones vaginal dryness is very common, not to mention the fact you had a big tear so OF COURSE IT'S GOING TO HURT!!!! We also don't want much sex because of the sleep deprivation and our bodies are trying to recover (birth and pregnancy are BIG deals).
I have two kids, with the first I had a minor 1st degree tear which needed 2 stitches. I was in agony after sex for about 3 mths and we didn't do it until 2 mths after the birth anyway, so it was about 5 mths after the birth for it to feel comfortable.
With my 2nd I had no tearing and at now 9.5 weeks after the birth we've only done it once and it hurt like hell! So, I can only imagine what you are feeling. If my husband put pressure on me for sex I'd tell him to go get a porn mag and masturbate because I'm not ready!!!

Mum to Aidan 20 Jan 04 and Georgia 10 Nov 05

Hi there
I totally know what you mean, I have my bubby on the 8th october and I also suffered a 3rd degree tear which went backwards to the Bum hole!! I tore because my bub was 13 days overdue and once they broke my waters at 8.30 and I was only 2cm dilated, everything was so quick, I was only 1hr 45min in full on labor and only had a bit of gas, bubby was also 8lb 15oz so big baby coming out so quick doesnt go down real well! but even though everything feels as if it has healed I feel very scared to have sex again! I feel so sorry for my partner he must be hanging for some loving!!! haha. it is good to chat to someone that went through the same sort of thing!! I dont think it is unfair, look what we had to go through I am sure they respect that! Hope to chat soon!

Kimberley - Tassie - Sophia 08/10/2006


No you are not being unfair!

I suffered partial third degree tears and it took about 10 weeks or so for me to even think about having sex again.

I healed well and thankfully have had no pain during intercourse. However I know how horrible it is recovering from that. My baby was also born with her fist on her cheek and tore me internally on her way out.

I think you should wait till your ready and hubby should try and be a little more sympathetic. Perhaps you could ask him to imagine what it would be like to have a tear and stitches like that on his privates - I am sure he would be saying no way to being intimate!

And remember there are other ways of being intimate in the bedroom that could get him by for the time being.

It does all get back to normal after a little while.


4 lovely munchkins DD 10/03, DD 03/05, DS 10/06 &

no ur not being unfair!!
i had my bubba 5months ago and i still havent done it! i had a third degree tear and i need reconstructive surgery to fix still in pain everyday, so sex is definately the last thing on my mind!
even if i didnt have problems i think it would have taken me a long time to do it, especially with being so tired all the time.i still dont feel 'ready' and as much as i love my man i dont think that i could have done it yet anyway!
I delivered my baby 9 weeks ago and also had a 3rd degree tear and I definetly don't want to have sex right now. I am terrified of having sex again and I dont think that your being unfair. I was feeling bad about not wanting to have sex again just yet, even though everything has heald fine and my fiance told me not to worry about it and to wait untill I was ready to do it again.
My advice is to wait until you fell ready.

Courtney QLD

My second baby was born with compound hand - arm wrapped across the body and up beside the head - and despite my labour being 1h50m 1st stage and a super quick 7 minute second stage I was lucky to get away with a second degree tear (went all the way to the outside lips and looked disgusting).

I think we waited maybe 2 months before having sex and although it wasn't terribly painful I found it more uncomfortable in certain positions (still do and number 3 is on the way in 8 weeks).

You definatley are not being unfair!! It's not only the physical scars we have to deal with its the emotional scars that come with it. I am quiet sure that your partner would not be too keen on sex if he had been through a similar experience (maybe a Bobit experience would come close to comparing).

Maybe put it too him that you do not feel ready for sex and do not want him to pressure you. Maybe set aside a couple of nights a week for non-penatritive play and work your way towards intercourse.

I hope things improve for you really soon. Best Wishes.

Hayley, NSW, Liam 07/02, Beth 09/04, Nate 03/06

wow this so so reasuring! my baby is 5 weeks old and we still havent had sex either. I had a 3rd degree tear which has never really been checked out, other then a brief glance by the midwife about 4 days later so I to am petrified. My partner and I 'tried' to get in the mood 2 weeks ago but I was so tense, so he was, so we lost the nerve and havent attempted it since. I was scared he would hurt me and he was scared he would hurt me to!! what a nightmare I used to really enjoy sex but now find myself not interested...I guess it because I'm still not ready!

Carolyn, NZ 3 mth baby


I was just wondering if sex feels the same after you have had a baby? I'm just not interested at the moment (only had baby 4 weeks ago), much to my husbands disappointment, but a friend who hasn't had a baby asked if it would feel different since the muscles have stretched and that got me wondering too!
Does everything shrink back to almost normal size or will things be a bit "roomy" from now on!
Sorry to ask a stupid question, but I have no idea!

Rach, SA, first baby

ouch my son came out in the same position but luckly no tear only a slight graze and not a single stich hes now 7 weeks and my husband hasnt even asked to have sex he knows ill go there when i feel ready and you already tryed your alot braver than me you poor thing
i dont think your been unfair why do it of you dont enjoy it and it hurts that badly your obviously not ready to have sex so get into kiss and cuddles and get the romance back and than you might actually feel like sex next time and it could help the pain if you want it

Logan 02/02/06 - Sarah 29/05/07

Hey Guys

This has to be one of the biggest issues after having a bub. My fella was on my case before i even gave birth. Seriously who actually feels like having sex 6weeks to the day after having a bub. Men tend to think its like 6 weeks come on lets go and they are so very wrong. You are not being unfair. Your the one who had to have the baby so make him wait as long as you want. For the ones that have just had their first and still haven't had sex. I was scared and i wont lie it was a bit weird the first time and still is a little bit at first, but after that it feels just the same way that it used to!

Tiddles, Vic, 3/1/2006 dd

yes my first baby i didnt have sex till 3 months later becouse i had bad cuts down there to and was to sore to even walk so u are not bad ladie at all just explane it to him dont get fight over it not good hoppe all goes well for ya smile
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