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  5. Is it meant to be this hard?

Is it meant to be this hard? Lock Rss

Next to marrying his dad - my son is the single best achievement of my life!
Hi Tricia,

I'm glad you spoke up... I fully support all that you have said.
I got diagnosed with PND recently and if I hadn't been told to just make sure baby was safe and walk away I dread to think what I would have done!!!
Riley is definitely my greatest achievement and is such a beautiful little guy but there are just times where you can't handle it.

Anyway thanks again for speaking out... I know that it is just Laniesa's opinion, but anyone having problems shouldn't be made to feel bad

]

Um Roddena - I was a little harsh I know but I've received good and bad advice since I found out I was pregnant and still continue to get told what I should and should not do and frankly it p(&^%$ me off.

I personally don't like being told I abandon my son. Thankfully I never got that bad where PND was diagnosed but those baby blues really are nasty - even to the point where I had a nasty thoughts and when that happens - for god sake walk away!

Jacob doesn't cry like this often it usually happens when his routine (if you can call it that - LOL!) is mucked up.

By the way how are you going now with the PND?

Laneisa

I don't think anyone here 'abandons' their baby. Yes there was a suggestion to leave baby in a safe place and go and cool off for a few minutes which I think is good advice. Better to go and calm down then get more and more upset because you can't settle your baby. You may want to look in the 'Baby sleep & settling section' where there is an old topic on controlled crying which got pretty heated when a member made some comments similar to yours. This forum is somewhere that parents should be able to express their feelings and experiences without judgement from others. Not everyone has family and friends close by to help. My husband works long hours and I don't have any family closer than an hour away, there have been times when I've had to put my son (now 22 months) and daughter (5.5 weeks) down for a couple of minutes as I needed a break. I was much better for it as I had time to clear my head and calm down. None of us are perfect and parents have needs as well as babies. I don't believe I have ever abandoned my children - I'm sure they don't feel that way either. Everyone has different opinions on how to raise children and different things work for different families. You along with all the other members here have a right to express your opinions, but maybe stop and think how constructive your comments are first. Let's all try and keep this a supportive forum.

Take care
Jasmine smile
Ditto!
Hi all! Well. It seems like things have gotten a little heated here ... mothering and the sleep deprivation that automatically goes with that, will do that to the best of us I suppose!!smile In answer to the question “ Is it meant to be this hard?” I think the plain answer is “YES.” This is the toughest job anybody can do ... and the most important! But the ridiculous thing is, that we are allowed to do it without a licence and with no compulsory training! What is most distressing, though [I think] is that in our modern society, mothers are expected to do this job in extreme isolation. In some so called ‘primitive’ societies the women in the group rally round the new mother, doing everything for her and allowing her days/weeks and, in some cases, even months to simply care for her baby without the pressures of daily living - and with a wealth of experience, courtesy of the other mothers, at her disposal. [I've found that,these days, when rellies are around, all they want to do is look after your baby - Arrrrgg! - and offer seriously bad advice. wink ] With regards to babies, sleep & crying, I just want to mention ‘ATTACHMENT PARENTING’. For those of you that haven’t heard of it, this is a kind of parenting that is based on the largest body of international research ever gathered on child development and emotional growth. Hundreds of scientific studies have all told us the same basic things. That how we react to our babies in the early days and months affects that child’s whole life. For good emotional development babies need to be well attached to their carers. This depends directly on how responsive parents are to the baby. Insecure attachment can mean an insecure child/teenager and has serious implications with development of personality into much later life. We have learned that babies need rapid and consistent attention to their needs and that we should not leave our babies to cry alone, or to have them wait for soothing comfort. It is a while since I read The Contented Little Baby Book, but I do recall the author’s strict scheduling [that’s gotta be tough!]. Scheduled feeding has, quite a few years ago, been officially rejected - in favour of a baby led feeding regime [we know it as demand feeding]. Parenting a baby to sleep and co-sleeping are amongst some of the basics of attachment parenting too. Attachment P’ing research tells us that if a baby is not left to cry alone,he will be # a more contented baby, # who cries less in the long run, # who is better equipped to handle the normal pains and frustrations of life, and # who becomes a more stable and secure child/adult. I do concede, though, that if you are having horrible thoughts about harming your baby, yes DO put him/her down safely and walk away - but seek help immediately! Call the hospital, a child health nurse, your husband, a good friend - anyone! and tell them you need help NOW. It is worth mentioning too, that excessive wakefulness with extreme crying may be an indication of some serious underlying medical problem (or food intolerance - Eliminating dairy foods from MY diet stopped my second baby from being a screamer ... mind you she was still a pretty wakeful baby! ) Have it checked out. Really, we all want to do only what is best for our babies, but remember we can only do our best with the information we have at hand ... Some books and web sites:- THE BABY BOOK -Dr William & RN Martha Sears NIGHTTIME PARENTING - William Sears [web site www.askdrsears.com] TEARS and TANTRUMS - A. J. Solter ATTACHMENT PARENTING -K. Granju & B. Kennedy [web site www.wearsthebaby.com ] Cheers jm
I think your midwife is partly right when she says that your baby is not feeding efficiently. Both of mine did similar things to what you are describing. My solution was to composite feed - ie top up with a bottle of formula. Hence, the excessive crying and unsettled periods completely stopped. They will tell you that you should keep putting the baby on the breast to stimulate flow, however, what I think so-called experts fail to understand is that every woman's body is different. In my case, I firmly believe that it would have been futile for me to solely breastfeed as I don't believe that my milk flow would renew itself soon enough to satisfy both of my babies in time so the crying and screaming would continue until the next available feed. As they were both hearty feeders, things became difficult both for myself and my family. I say ignore your midwife and see a Paediatrician for some unbiased advice (midwives tend to push the breastfeeding thing a little too far with their 'encouragement').
Oh, and by the way, it isn't meant to be that hard when you follow your heart and provide your baby with what she needs for her satisfaction and not what you think other people believe is best for her. Listen to advice, but also listen to your instincts, because more often than not, your motherly instinct is correct. If you stop, try and relax (I know it sounds easy to say - but consider me, I have a newborn and a three and a half year old and believe me, newborns have nothing on toddlers and their challenges!) get close to your newborn, play with her, talk to her and envelope her with your love and look deep within her eyes, you will see things like when she's happy, sad, tired or overtired etc. Good luck, I know you can do it - the key is to try and relax and take it one day at a time. So, in answer to your question, it isn't meant to be this hard - but it wasn't meant to be easy either.

Age 38, Qld, pregnant with 2 and a half year old

I totally resent you referring to some societies as primitive. I come from European heritage and yes, our extended families do try their best to help out new parents with both emotional, physical and material assistance. Espousing or making derrogatory references of this nature do not help matters in a country where diverse cultures enhance the living standards for all through shared knowledge. The key here is sharing and openness within families of whatever strengths or resources they may be capable of offering one another. This is a positive because collective, supportive environments assist individuals and, I believe, are a major antidote to issues such as PND and the like.

Age 38, Qld, pregnant with 2 and a half year old

Dear ZoeZeus

I am sorry you took offence at my compliment about these societies! what I said was, "some SO CALLED primitive societies" ... I have often spoken of this in the past and usually comment, to who ever I am talking to, that I wonder WHICH society is REALLY primitive - the one that nurtures it's mothers or the one that leaves them to mother in isolation!!

I thought this would be just 'understood', but maybe I should have made the point in a clearer fashion.

jm
I think I'll politely opt out of this debate. I took particular offence at being told I abandon my son by letting him cry sometimes which was totally uncalled for.

Hi JM

Thanks for all the info - I totally agree that the way we treat our babies now has a big influence on them in later life. I've read a bit about attachment parenting and it really does have merit. Before I had my first baby all I heard was 'Controlled crying...', 'Babies get spoiled if you pick them up all the time...' etc etc. I'm sure we've all had the same advice by "well meaning" family and friends. Thank goodness the nurses at our local baby clinic are really supportive and knowledgeable. For me forcing a newborn baby into a routine doesn't make a lot of sense - they change so much with sleep and feeding needs in those first few months anyway. But it does work for some and as long as it is not causing the baby any distress I don't think it does any harm. We as parents are responsible for answering our baby's cries. But when you've done everything you can to make them comfortable and they still continue to cry it can become distressing for the parents as well, that's when I think it's ok to take a break for a few minutes. It is sad that society has changed so much in some ways - everything is so fast paced now and most of us aren't fortunate enough to have extended family around to support us.

I didn't mean to sound nasty in my post to Laneisa - I hope it didn't come across that way. I just hope that instead of criticising we can all offer each other support and advice and respect that we all have different opinions. As I said, there was another post where someone made a similar remark when someone said they'd left their crying baby to calm down and it all got really out of hand.

Take care
Jasmine
Ok - I'm going to bite the bullet on this one.....

I notice the person who originally made the accusation that we all abandon our babies has not bothered to reply to our thoughts and posts here. I'd be interested to hear this persons thoughts on the replies to her alligations!
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