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Is it meant to be this hard? Lock Rss

Hey to everyone

Just stop for a minute and look at what we're doing. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but we should all be mindful that what we say (or write) has an affect on those around us, positive and negative. It's one of the greatest problems for mothers today that we compare ourselves to each other and pass judgment on other mums parenting techniques and skills.

Yes jm it is important that mothers are well informed and I think that everyone appreciates your experience and all the extra links you've supplied, but I think that at that point you can stop with the lecture. It's not the information that you're offering that is the problem, it's the way that you offer it. Tone is everything and very hard to get across when writing on a forum.

As some other members have said, Huggies has been and will continue to be a place where mums can get together and have a chat about their concerns and joys. We all welcome ideas from every perspective but we also expect members to know when they have over stepped the mark of offering support and friendship and crossed over to being judgmental and hurtful.

I suggest that enough has probably been said now and perhaps my extra diatribe is not particularly helpful either but I felt like saying something as there are people who may be tipped over the edge towards Post Natal Depression upon reading that they are damaging their children. By all means lets suggest that some mums should seek some professional help with someone that can really help
in a positive way.

Most mothers are doing a great job because it's what they want- to offer the best for their children.

Lets stay focused on being helpful to each other.



Firstly, whilst why I had 3 hours sleep is none of your business, my 13 mth old son slept for 12 hours as he always does even though at the moment he is cutting 3 molars all at once.

Secondly, its unfortunate that you are baring the brunt of our absolute frustation with do gooders such as yourself but I for one have had absolutely as much as i can take.

There are many things I strongly disagree with that many of my friends have done to/with their children however, who the hell am I to say what they are doing is wrong and what I am doing is right?

It disgusts me that people such as yourself blindly preach these "facts" a couple of links does not make comprehensive research my dear! I feel so privleged to have met some of my closest friends through this website and am deeply saddend that every few weeks another blo*dy evangalist pops up preaching to us that we are setting our kids up for a lifetime of therapy. I pity the poor mums who come here for help/support/advice then are bombarded with your oneside opinion and then scurry away to look after the child they have probably had no break from in weeks.

You say that attachment parenting is by no means alternative? I doubt that most of the members at Alternative Baby will agree with you there.....

There are places for people with similar views/beliefs and ideals all over the internet - perhaps you should google up a new home to spout your "facts"


Steph VIC Mummy to one gorgeous boy

Just re: teh Kangaroo care - I work as writer for a parenting organisation and have written extensively on premature babies and their care, after much research. I also work with a lady whose son was born at 27 weeks, and was four weeks old before she could give him a Kangaroo Cuddle. I would hardly consider this to compare with attachment parenting - far from continuous attachment, this was only a precious few moments of skin to skin contact between a very premature baby and his stressed and frightened mother.

Also, re: the baby friendly hospital initiatives - I think these are a great idea, and it is thanks to the excellent midwifery care that I recieved that I was able to continue breastfeeding after a 9 day post natal admission with severe mastitis. Once again tho, I have to question the comparison with attachment parenting. Stephanie, myself, and I am sure many hundreds of thousands of other women breastfeed our children, and achieved skin-to-skin contact after birth, thus meeting the WHO criteria for a baby friendly hospital, without it neccesarily leading to attachment parenting.

I see that this obviously works for you, and I commend that, but please be very aware that some of the mothers who come here for help are desparate, and in that desperation may feel like they are being criticised or condemned for doing what feels right to them, and that is surely not the purpose of these forums. I know that the support I recieved here when my daughter was sick was invaluable, and I hope that other mothers can find that too.

Mum to Maya Grace 02-03, Sienna & Mercedes 10-06

I only recently found out about this forum and thought it would be great to have a look since I am planning to have a child soon. Since I don't have one yet, I certainly won't presume to offer any opinions about any form of child care!! In fact, seeing how worked up people have become over these topics, it appears that perhaps child rearing as a conversation topic should be in the same basket as politics and religion!!

What I would like to say, is that, as a newcomer and yes, with no child and having plenty of sleep, I have really appreciated jm's posts because from what I have seen so far, they always point to scientific research and that's what I will be looking for when deciding what is best for my child. I agree with Roy that tone is very hard to communicate in an email, but I actually thought jm was very diplomatic and supportive when imparting information!!

jm - I know from other threads that people have found your information really valuable and useful so don't be put off.

And I hope from now on, no-one has be subjected to swearing and aggression on what is supposed to a friendly forum.
Well said Roy smile


Steph VIC Mummy to one gorgeous boy

Geez Louise!

I came in here to reply to PML's question of "is it meant to be this hard" and in that reply was one piece of advice that I received from a midwife that has been a godsend to me whilst "learning" to care for my son. This piece of advice DID NOT say "I USE CONTROLLED CRYING" - but was misread this way by a select few.

What particularly upset me the most was being accused by someone who misread my post that I and other mum's here "ABANDON" their baby(s). Then as a consequence it has gotten out of control.

I don't feel I have to justify myself but I feel for PML - having asked her question and received more than she probably bargained for when posting her question.

JM - whilst you are great in posting your links (thank you) - which I have investigated and am very interested in - but enough is enough - it seems like you are trying to push this aspect very harshly but as someone said "tone" is hard to distinguish when written and I guess I'm not the only one who has found some of the replies quite off putting that has made me question and yes - get quite upset on the brink of tears as to "AM I A GOOD MOTHER".

It also makes me question what is the point of coming here when we get is slammed down for having an opinion that does not agree with yours or others here. Yes we all have opinions and yes we will disagree with each other but there is disagreeing with each other and then there is going to the extreme of trying to enforce your view on others as if your view is the only view - that's where the line has been crossed and the total focus and purpose of this forum has lost its meaning altogether.

But guess what - "I AM A BLOODY GOOD MOTHER"!

As I said in my response to the accusation - it took me 7 years to conceive my son through all methods of fertility treatment - I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING TO JEOPARDISE IT NOW!

I really think we all do a great job at being mum's and god I agree its a priviledge (sorry if I spelt that wrong) but can we please please please please stop all this to and fro if someone doesn't agree with what someone else does in their parenting.

Its getting that way that I think I'll be off to find another board/forum to be a member for the positive advice.

This is a bloody good site for advice and information but I am sure the moderators are getting sick of reading this.

How about we shake hands - agree to disagree on all manner of things that we don't see eye to eye on and enjoy the company of each other here for the advice and interaction - because being a stay at home mum I'm very glad to have this interaction with adults via the internet since I don't get too much in person.

**flies the white flag** - and really hopes someone accepts!

Just a reminder - every child is different and they may or may not respond to the different methods mentioned here - like to feed, calm, sleep etc, - so we all have to find what works for our child and in doing so appreciate the advice we get here.

**flies the white flag again** - and really hopes someone accepts.

Blessings Mums!

Cassandra - I wonder if you've seen the long thread on here in the general section called "Anyone with I'll never do that when I have kids stories". A little insight into how much all of us mums views have changed from being elbow deep in nappies and sleep deprived.

Mum to Maya Grace 02-03, Sienna & Mercedes 10-06

Hi Emmy-Lou

I was waiting for a reply to that though I did try hard to avoid it by being very honest about not having children of my own so being in no position to comment! My comment wasn't about what I would or wouldn't do (I wouldn't dare be so presumptuous!) but was more to support someone who has obviously spent a lot of time doing research on parenting (and there are people here who are clearly asking for that kind of information) but is being howled down for having a differing view from some others.

If I were sleep deprived, my emotions were frayed and I thought I might lose my temper, I daresay I'd probably wrap up my child and walk away for 5 minutes.

And perhaps people could equally take a breath and walk away from their computer for 5 minutes when the alternative is to publicly ridicule and abuse another mother.

I'm sorry if it came across that my objective was to ridicule and abuse. In fact, I was trying to provide an alternative opinion. As explained earlier, my daughter was very sick as a baby and I was incredibly stressed. I was very young and on my own and had no idea what to do with her when she screamed. the advice I received here and on other message boards was invaluable, and I listened to other peoples thoughts and decided thru trial and error what did and didn't work for me.

Many of my friends use the techniques jm discusses, and their babies are settled and happy. My issue was not with the subject, but rather with the inflexible way in which it was presented. Every baby and every mother is different.

I get paid to reasearch different aspects of parenting, and I work with a team of child psychologists, and sometimes we have conflicting opinions and I don't always agree with what they have been 'trained' as the right way, however I respect their right to that opinion.

And now I am going to opt out of this argument. I believe I have made my point, and to continue it further would just be petty for arguments sake.

Happy parenting everyone smile

Mum to Maya Grace 02-03, Sienna & Mercedes 10-06

Oh my gosh.. NO Emmy-Lou I didn't mean you!!! An earlier post by Stephanie referred to 'frootloops' preaching their 'bloody evangelism' etc etc.. I thought it was a bit harsh, that's all. My point was just that since she stated up front she was sleep deprived and emotional, perhaps it would have been better to wait before responding so heatedly.

I'm sorry for the miscommunication.

I hope to find you here to support ME when my time comes.

And I think at this point, I'm out of here too!
When you have been around here as long as Emmy and I you will no doubt be in a position to to see how repetitive this argument has become.

You are lucky to have already missed some of the evil frootloops we have already encountered on this site


Steph VIC Mummy to one gorgeous boy

Well said Jacobs Mum smile smile !!!

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