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Loss of myself Lock Rss

My DD is now 8 days old and I think I am struggling (or maybe it is just normal for this stage). I am feeling teary all the time and the smallest things send my crying. Before I had my daighter I was a teacher and someone who could come and go as they pleased. Now I find that I am struggling staying at home all day, watching the clock to see when she last fed and when her next one is due and trying to plan trips to the supermarket out so not caught unawares. My hubby is being good, he was due to go back to work yesterday but inly stayed a half say then got the rest of this week off as he is concerned (I am not normally teary so thing it is freaking him out a bit). Whenever my mum rings to see if I need anything, I just start crying and can't really explain how I feel. My friends who have had children say this is normal but why do I feel like such a failure??
Sorry for the long post but does any other new mums feel this way>?
Tara

Hello there,

Congratulations on the birth of your DD.

I too felt quite teary in the first few days of being a mum. It is all your hormones mucking around thats all. It is great that DH is there to help you. I wouldnt really worry as every new mum goes through it at some stage.

If you feel it may be more, i would go and see your local CHC and chat to one of the ladies there.

Being a new mum can be quite scary and it is obviously totally different to the life you had before DD but you will get used to it. It has only been 8 days hun so dont worry. Dont be scared to go for walks with DD or just out to the shops to walk around. Just try and get out at least once a day just so you dont feel trapped inside your house all day. I still feel like this somedays and my DS is 4.5 months old!

If you want to chat some more, just PM me.

Hi Tara
I am a teacher too, with a 9 week old.

You are exactly how i was, and still am sometimes. But now I have a little more confidence!

I think as teachers, we always seem to know what is going on, how to do it, and if we don't, we look it up and find out.
You can't do that for being a mum. It is all trial and error and something new happens each day and sometimes you cope, sometimes you don't. It is hard not being in control!
And not having anything to do, except baby baby baby!

I find if you are breast feeding, it is even harder, because you are still learning how to do that so going out seems just too hard!

I got/get so bored at home. My friends are all teachers so they work all day and I have nobody to go out with. Now that it is holidays, they have all gone on holidays as they all need the break!

Set a goal for the week, not the day. As soon as it is achieved, set another goal! I say not the day as if something happens, you can't get it done and you get frustrated etc all over again. It can be as simple as making your first trip to the shopping centre. Your first long drive, doing something crafty...whatever you are into!

She will get into a routine. I used to watch the clock, even though i was demand feeding. She would want a feed every 2 hours, or 3, or 4 or 5 or whenever. Whichever way, I was always expressing as I had so much milk. So i felt I could never go out. Now, i feed her and go out straight away. I know i have at least 3 hours before a feed and i know i wont leak everywhere! So it does get better!

I think everyone gets teary, but if it is all the time, talk to someone about it. You may not get answers, but at least you will get it off your chest. Mums are great. When she asks if you need anything...say YES! Get her over so she can make you a coffee and you talk about stuff. She might be able to do your washing or something while you just vege!

With DH at home, leave him with bubs, express some milk so he can feed her and you go out and do something for you...get a hair cut, legs waxed, shop, go for a peaceful walk..something where it is all about you! You are really lucky he is so supportive...I am struggling to get my DH to help with bubs, he helps out with housework etc, but not so much DD. I am getting there with him, slowly. Make sure your DH involves himself with DD, to take the pressure off of you. If you are expressing, get him to feed more regularly. I felt that i was a dairy cow and that was all i was for 2 weeks. I hated that feeling. And your boobs were on demand, not on your time. At least if you have some EBM, she gets fed on demand and you get your body back, if only for a short time!

Also, make sure you go to a mothers group. Mine doesn't start until tomorrow (holidays cancelled all the sessions until now) and I have been hanging out for it. I have never been into stuff like that, but as I am the first in my group of friends to have a bub, i want to talk to people who know where you are coming from...and who aren't working!

If ever you want to chat...feel free to message me. Love talking (as you can see from my HUGE post!).
try not to be too hard on yourself, having a baby is such a massive shock to your system. You feel like you should be ok since you've had 9 months to prepare right? Well nothing can ever prepare you for how hard the adjustment can be. I had really bad baby blues, I cried pretty much continually for the first 3 weeks. All I can say is that letting it all out was exhausting but the best thing I could have done. Don't be scared to tell people how you're feeling, if you can't talk to family or friends definitely go and talk to you CHN.
I'm a nurse and on my first visit with the CHN (I cried through the entire appointment) she told me that she believes that nurses and teachers sometimes find the adjustment a bit harder than others. It made me really angry at the time but in hindsight I can see her point. We are in professions where people come to us for all the answers and we're always expected to know what to do and people always tell us we'll make great parents because we're so nuturing, caring blah blah blah. It's a lot to live up to.
I found that focusing on the small pleasures started to make things better. I really tried to shower before lunchtime (you always feel better after a shower) and I tried to get out of the house everyday, not necessarily to go out somewhere but just to get some sunshine and fresh air.
The thing that helped most of all was joining my mothers group. Having those other mums to talk to was an absolute saving grace for me. Be honest with how you're feeling and talk about it. At one of our first meet ups everyone was saying how much they loved their babies and how they loved being a mum, well I had had a tough night with no sleep and I burst out crying and said I really wasn't enjoying it at all. Once I started talking so many others started talking about difficulties they had been having too.
You're not alone at all. Feel free to PM me too if you need a chat.
Take care

Thanks guys. I had a couple friends come over yesterday who have one year olds and they both said they felt the same in the first few weeks. My CHN comes today for a home visit so may chat to her about it as well but I am determined to try and be positive and just face the fact that for a while, things may be a bit out of of my control. I am doing Ok I guess. I am managing to shower and dress every day (usually before 10am) and have been out a bit (both walking and in the car). Riley, I see your point about what the CHN said about teachers and nurses, so often I have had parents asking me for advice in the past about how to deal with their teenagers but now the shoe is on the other foot!
Thanks again guys!
Tara

I am glad you are feeling better Tara.

I went to my mothers group today, and it was fantastic! We all talked about what was hard/easy etc in these first few months. We all said the loss of ourselves...missing work etc. And we all agreed it was important to get out of the house! It was also nice to finally get to talk about baby stuff to people who knew what you were talking about and were interested in it! We all wanted to listen to others stories and we asked questions etc. It was really nice.

So I would really suggest, the quicker you can get to one, the better! Hopefully you find one as good as mine!

Cheers
Kylie
As Eden is only a week and a half, my mothers group was not supposed to start for another 8 weeks or so but I would be going back to work halfway through the scheduled 6 sessions so they have put me in a group that starts next week. Eden will be the youngest bub there but hopefully it will be OK. As a teacher who has sat through a lot of of meetings etc, I am a bit reluctant about the group but hopefully will be OK.
Thanks,
smile Tara

I would REALLY recommend that you join your local mums group as it can really be beneficial, both for you and bub.

You will be ok hun at the group. Just remember that all the mums are in the same boat, they all have a baby! There is not one mother on this earth that is perfect but if i find her, i will let you know! Not that i will....

Good luck for the future and i wish you and your DD all the love, health and happiness you both deserve.

I'll go, too scared not to really. I know it will be great when I get there.
Thanks again for your support, really appreciated
Tara

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