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Men and giving birth! Lock Rss

I'm just about 20 weeks now with our first little one and my husband doesn't think he wants to come into the room with me while I am having the baby. He hates to see me in pain (as I'm sure they all do!) and I was just wondering if there was anyone else out there who's partners didn't come with them while they had the baby and whether either of you regretted it.

I am completely fine with doing it on my own, it's totally his decision but everyone I speak to (sooo sick of being told its terrible he doesn't want to come in with me, I tell them I think its his choice, not mine, why wont people bloody listen!) thinks the opposite of what I do and tell me HE HAS TO BE THERE ITS HIS JOB!

I just wanted to hear from some of you and see what you think. I'm right in giving him a choice and letting him decide, aren't I?

Does anyone out there feel their partners HAD to be there, that it was a part of being a partner, or did you just hope he would be there?

I think when the time comes he will be there for me but as I am a stress-head, I just wanted someone elses opinion..

Thanks!
Hi Liz,

I am due with our first bubs in bout 2 weeks..

My husband like your, did not want to be in there for the birth and everytime i tried to get him involved with it, he would be more against the idea of coming in.

I was a bit stressed coz i had really hoped that he would be in there but still respected his decision..although i know he would have lots of regrets if he wasnt there for it..

It took awhile, however now he has come around and wants to not only be there but to catch bubs and cut the cord.

I think after watching a few birth videos he was in awe and it sorta changed his perspective on things.

Maybe try and get hold of some birth videos from the library for the type of birth you will be having i.e water birth/c-section and have him watch this. Yeah you do see that they are in a lot of pain, but you also see how estatic everyone is after bubs is born that you know the pain is now the last thing on your mind.

Not sure if it helps you at all, but i hope it does.

Sorry for the long post and good luck with it all.

Leah
I agree that it should be his decision and I have heard of men choosing to wait outside. It can be just as harrowing for men and in some ways more so, because they have to watch and can't "fix it" as men always want to do. I do hope, however, that he doesn;t regret it. How about suggesting he come with you just for the beginning and then see how he feels? If you are going to be at home for the first part of labour he is likely to go through half of it with you anyway.

Even if he isn;t there in delivery with you, I think you should choose a support person, mum or a trusted friend, please don't do it alone. Also if he changes his mind at the last minute then this person can help support you both - and give him a break if he needs it. The idea of this may make him more comfortable. I had mum and hubby and it worked really well as they could take turns and have breaks.

Are you both going to do ante natal classes? It might also help him to understand the process and feel more comfortable being there.

But at the end of the day it should be his choice - but again still make sure you have some support.

Good luck - its still early days, no decision need to be made yet.

Leanne, NZ, Ella age 2 & Sam age 6months

I HAVE to say that I agree with the last 2 posts.

He HAS to be there. Gone are the days of the 50's where Dad enjoyed a few beers down at the pub whilst mum did the hard yards giving birth.

Plus how are you going to be able to milk him for sympathy and extra special mother's day's if he doesn't have a clue what it took to become parents?

Unless he has a specific phobia related to hospitals or the site of blood I don't see why he wouldn't want to be there, it's just a cop-out if you ask me (maybe because you're only 20 weeks the whole reality hasn't kicked in yet?

Just for the record I didn't feel the need to scream!!! Alot of grunting and I'm sure DH was well aware of the pain but it's there baby too and it's the very first introduction, I just don't comprehend how any father wouldn't want to be a part of it. If you have to go through the pain I think the least they can do is be right by your side.

Sorry I know I'm very one sided but I just don't see it any other way?

Aimee
Hey my fiance said he hates seeing me in pain. But u both want bubs so he should be there!
And remind him your the 1 feeling the pain thats y he needs to be there to help u focus on your goal and coach u through it
Take care
Luv Becky

Mum2Nath&Jess

Hi
I have read the posts with interest. When I had my first child I was a single parent and had my mum with me, it was a long labour and she had to leave several times - to be honest I did not really know she was gone as I was concentrating on my own thing! When I had my second my husband was with me and was happy to be there although he had said before hand that there was no way that he was looking when the baby was born - he did not want to see her coming out. He was a great support. My last baby earlier this year was a whole different story, I was induced and it took a while so my husband had to come and go becasue of the other kids and it taking so long. I finally went into labour in the early hours of the morning and was 9cm dilated when he got there, this time he chose to watch the birth in its full glory - things change. If your partner does not want to be there and you are happy to go through it on your own or with a different support person, so be it, it is up to you both. You may well find that when it comes to it he does not want to leave your side. It is difficult for a guy, I know my husband felt useless and hated to see me in such pain but the joy when baby arrives is something else, and it would be a shame not to be able to share that moment with him. Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy and the birth!!

Nikki, Brissie, mum of 3,

Hi Aimee,

Hope everythin is going ok! I am pregnant with my 2nd child and a new hubby, so this will be different yet again. Sometimes i think that I don't want him to be in there with me as I'll end up tellin him off and screamin at him to leave (it's just his sense of humour, which at times esp when i'm hormonal i don't want to deal with) but i'll let him decide!

My first labour, my plans went right out the window, i ended up with about 10 people in the room, including midwives, paediatricians, obstreticians etc as well as my mum, hubby and believe it or not my DAD!

I really didn't know who was there at the time and needless to say i didn't care either, cause i was in my own world of concentration, it was only my mum saying to me open your eyes, that i had any idea what was going on!

I was mortified afterwards to learn that my father was in there and seen the whole thing! But now, I know he shows a true understanding of what us women go through with our labour, especially cause he wasnt able to be with mum when she had us kids! So this has awakened his mind as well, which turns out to be a good thing!

so i think it's up to the individual, and you'll know when the time comes, just who you want in there and what you want!!

Good luck!
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