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  5. Thoughts about my miscarriages

Thoughts about my miscarriages Lock Rss

Technology has made having a baby so much more exciting. Pick up a test from the local supermarket, jump around like an idiot grinning when it is positive. Wanting to tell the world. Having the first lot of tests to have it confirmed. Fantastic. Even looking at babies clothing again, and buying a change table and baby bath, because silly me gave mine away to someone who needed it more at the time. Feeling great, a little bloated but I was really happy and feeling good. Why didn't I throw up? I wondered, I did with the other two. Maybe I was having one of those blessed pregnancies that other people had, you know the ones that swear it was a breeze and felt great during pregnancy. Bloody brilliant I thought. Just a few headaches, nothing much to worry about.

Bloated, and only 4 weeks on I searched for my pregnancy clothes. I was going to be comfortable dam it. But after the past two pregnancies my pants were cactus. I brought another pair. It was all a bit early, but maybe I was just popping out early.

Test results back, anemic, low blood pressure, low iron. Well, figured that would happen, it did with the others. TSH level too high. ? Where on earth was that coming from. Retest. I'd been spotting that morning and was quite concerned. Dr also ordered a ultrasound. It was Christmas Eve. Between getting blood taken and home, I saw more than just a blood clot on my knickers. It was my baby. Tiny, perfect for it's age. Lifeless. 6 weeks.

Ultrasound, next. I was not hopeful at all that a baby was there. I knew there wasn't a chance. But then, out of the blue, there was a sack, and there was a baby in it. Yippee, I still had a baby. I cried I was so happy.

I was booked into the Dr's for the 27th of Dec. Boxing day night I was up watching movies, 11pm I went to bed. Weird, I usually was collapsing around 8pm. That morning, I woke up. Needed to go to the toilet quickly. I felt the whole lot move and come out. I didn't quite make it to the toilet. And there was the other baby.

I've been emotional, I've been tired. I've been to the hospital. But the bleeding after is what is really bugging me right now. I can't leave the house. It's heavy, and will probably be for a long time. It sucks. It's kind of like reminding you that it wasn't meant to be. I really wanted the baby, I would have been thrilled with twins. But it wasn't to be. It's painful, cramping, back pain.

It also makes me think, I wonder if without knowing it how many miscarriages go unnoticed. First few weeks, a late period, slightly heavier or longer bleeding. It makes me wonder if I've gone through this before and not noticed. It's only now that we have technology for detection of early pregnancy that we know what is going on. I wonder if it would be better to wait a month or two before doing that initial test.

Emotionally I'm pretty messed up, sad but very logical. My body knew that it wasn't right. Just like giving birth, I have to trust that my body knows what to do and do what needed to be done. My heart breaks for what could have been.

The cramping and pain, stops me from thinking about what could have been and I need to be logical and think that it just wasn't to be, and put my faith in gods hands.

That is my story, of where I'm at right now.

Big hugs- I hope writing this out has helped you at least a little. You sound like you're being positive which is great- I really hope you get your baby soon. In the meantime- keep on coming in here and get all the support you need. Huge huge hugs x

TallulahBelle wrote:
Big hugs- I hope writing this out has helped you at least a little. You sound like you're being positive which is great- I really hope you get your baby soon. In the meantime- keep on coming in here and get all the support you need. Huge huge hugs x

+1. Much love hun, you sound like a strong woman. Huge hugs to you through this heart breakingly sad time xx
Very sorry to hear of you loss sad I am currently going through a miscarriage at 8 weeks and it is awful, emotionally more than physically so far. It's funny though, your comments remind me so much of me when I found out I was pregnant with my second! Getting excited over the positive tests (of which I bought 8, haha), maternity clothes etc. I also wondered why I didn't have morning sickness or sore boobs like I did the first time round, but just put it down to the fact that each pregnancy can be different, I'd done it before etc etc. Never ever thought miscarriage would happen to me. Again, I am so sorry for your losses.

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i'm sorry for your loss. sad
sending lots of love xxx
big big hugs. i dont really know what to say, i cried just reading this. im really sorry for you loss.

Thank you all so much for the support. It's tough. I have my ok days and my blahhh days. All motivation to clean the house, and get daily things done is gone. It's not good. I don't want to be around people right now, because I'm a crap at lying and if asked 'how am I' I'd probably just blurt it out. Not great. I had told a few close friends, but now I don't feel like facing them.

Trying to keep positive. I've got 6months before we can really try again. 6 Months to get healthy, to get fit
and give the next time we try the best chance of success possible.

Still bleeding, although it has slowed (hopefully stopped) and I have libido back. God knows where that came from, must be crazy hormones at play. Stomach is bloated and so so sore. It swelled up like I was eight months pregnant. I'm expecting it is some side effects from loosing my babies.

Writing out my feelings at the time, and feeling that they were heard by people that were understanding helped a lot. I've read through other stories, and it is quite common, but it doesn't make it any less heart breaking.

Best wishes for all those that are parenting, expecting and dealing with loss. Becoming parents to little people is one giant roller coaster.

I'm really sorry hun. I've just lost my baby last month too and I'm not dealing too well with it. Have my ok days but then have my really off days. Best thing for me is to keep busy as sitting around or not doing too much allows my mind to wonder back to that dark place. It's not fair and it's heartbreaking. I don't really have any words of comfort, other than to say you're not alone in what you are feeling xx

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Thank you to everyone for their kind words and for sharing their experiences.

I'm still mourning my twins. It still hurts, deeply, a deep emotional hurt. But the physical hurt has passed somewhat. From time to time I get twinges of pain, that are like a knife in my lower back and stomach. I think that I have ovulated again and that may just be pre-period pains. A few panadol and voltarans are good, and kick in within half an hour. I'm thinking that my first period after this experience is going to be painful.

I've had to deal with a throng of crap from friends and family. A friend that needed her kids looked after to go to the hospital, I jumped and grabbed her girls so she could go. In hind sight if it were me I would have taken my other children to hospital with me. She got a bit huffy with me, and invited them over the next day too. Without asking first! When I said I had planned to go swimming (thinking it would take the edge off the pain) and her children were welcome to come she got all weird, and suggested that I stay home. Ummm yeah. Thanks Mate.

Family is difficult to deal with, IL's are hell. From the time I was 15 they have found that it was Ok to discuss my weight openly, and 'helpfully' tell me that I am fat and need to do something about it. Yeah, I was a size 12 growing up. They continued to comment, often. "piano legs" was one comment that was made. It's not helpful. They don't know that I miscarried. They weren't happy for us to have more children, and when we were trying they suggested that we cannot provide for them. It's crap and we can. When they invited me to go over for a cuppa, while they had whopping cough and we were trying, my MIL actually asked me directly if my husband knew about this because she was pretty sure that he didn't want any more. Ummmm, yes, she must have figured that we needed her consent to have more children. So as well as being a bit odd, and missing my IL's "Christmas" as I had doctors appointments, blood tests and had only just got out of hospital she asked me if I was over the ""FLU"" yet. Yes, said in such a way that she figured I was home painting my nails or something. BLAH.... IL's.

I don't know if by not telling people that it is a difficult time for me right now, I feel I am protecting them and myself from all of those feelings again. I don't want them to be sad about it. I don't want to end up crying and breaking down, time after time. I've got missed feelings about this approach.

Any suggestions on how to deal with people when you aren't feeling ok?

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