Bloated, and only 4 weeks on I searched for my pregnancy clothes. I was going to be comfortable dam it. But after the past two pregnancies my pants were cactus. I brought another pair. It was all a bit early, but maybe I was just popping out early.
Test results back, anemic, low blood pressure, low iron. Well, figured that would happen, it did with the others. TSH level too high. ? Where on earth was that coming from. Retest. I'd been spotting that morning and was quite concerned. Dr also ordered a ultrasound. It was Christmas Eve. Between getting blood taken and home, I saw more than just a blood clot on my knickers. It was my baby. Tiny, perfect for it's age. Lifeless. 6 weeks.
Ultrasound, next. I was not hopeful at all that a baby was there. I knew there wasn't a chance. But then, out of the blue, there was a sack, and there was a baby in it. Yippee, I still had a baby. I cried I was so happy.
I was booked into the Dr's for the 27th of Dec. Boxing day night I was up watching movies, 11pm I went to bed. Weird, I usually was collapsing around 8pm. That morning, I woke up. Needed to go to the toilet quickly. I felt the whole lot move and come out. I didn't quite make it to the toilet. And there was the other baby.
I've been emotional, I've been tired. I've been to the hospital. But the bleeding after is what is really bugging me right now. I can't leave the house. It's heavy, and will probably be for a long time. It sucks. It's kind of like reminding you that it wasn't meant to be. I really wanted the baby, I would have been thrilled with twins. But it wasn't to be. It's painful, cramping, back pain.
It also makes me think, I wonder if without knowing it how many miscarriages go unnoticed. First few weeks, a late period, slightly heavier or longer bleeding. It makes me wonder if I've gone through this before and not noticed. It's only now that we have technology for detection of early pregnancy that we know what is going on. I wonder if it would be better to wait a month or two before doing that initial test.
Emotionally I'm pretty messed up, sad but very logical. My body knew that it wasn't right. Just like giving birth, I have to trust that my body knows what to do and do what needed to be done. My heart breaks for what could have been.
The cramping and pain, stops me from thinking about what could have been and I need to be logical and think that it just wasn't to be, and put my faith in gods hands.
That is my story, of where I'm at right now.