Mid last year we fell preg with #5. After 4 perfect pregnancies i wasnt expecting anything to go wrong. I had my 8wk scan, all looked perfect, then we had our nuchal scan. Which i have never been worried about since i was a 24yr old with no family history. The tech was focusing on the heart... ALOT, and I was mildly concerned by that. We got our nuchal results in and we were put in high risk. 1:17 My optimism kicked in and I thought that percentage wise it wasnt THAT bad, but the doc kept saying, someone has to be that 1! I didnt want the amnio. I didnt want to know. But I was talked into it as we live rural and if bub needed attention it couldnt be dealt with here. We flew to Brisbane where we had the amnio and fetal scan. Our bub had downs syndrome, and not just that he would look a little different but his heart was no good either. A lot of long fancy words were used, basically blood was going through the wrong heart tubes, there was only 2 chambers instead of 4 and flaps were missing.
So then the next question was raised, termination. My motherly instinct was there and I did not want to kill my baby. But it wasnt that easy of a decision. Our business operates 6 hours from a medical team that could look after this baby. We had no private health cover and our expenses would be high. I had 4 kids already, 2 were in school. We couldnt pack up and move towns, we would literally go bankrupt as all our money is invested here in our business. We have no family here, no help. I wouldve had to leave my kids in the care of a stranger, while my husband worked and I moved 6 hours away until bub was healthy. But bub would never be healthy! They said they could attempt to fix his heart but it would never be any good and because he was a severe case of downs syndrome that most likely his body would be riddled with problems. Which then came to what made my decision. Did I want my baby to suffer?
I hate myself all the time for making the decision I made. I should be holding him right now but instead I did the one thing a mother should never do. Let her child die. I have so many friends that have had babies lately, and it severly depresses me everytime I see them holding their babbies or hear them complain about their babies. I dont even know where my head is with it all. I still haven't dealt with it, mentally, I dont know if I ever will. People tell me that I shouldnt regret my decision, and even though I know I made the right decision for everyone, I still dont know if it was the right decision?