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  5. Medical termination. Any mums that have had to go through this?

Medical termination. Any mums that have had to go through this? Lock Rss

Just wanted to make a topic on something a bit controversial. I always feel like I can't talk about this the way I need to as everyone is judgemental, especially on the internet. But a part of me really wants to connect to other mums that have been through this as well so I thought that I would start here. I have mentioned this bub and loss in here a few times, but never went into the details.

Mid last year we fell preg with #5. After 4 perfect pregnancies i wasnt expecting anything to go wrong. I had my 8wk scan, all looked perfect, then we had our nuchal scan. Which i have never been worried about since i was a 24yr old with no family history. The tech was focusing on the heart... ALOT, and I was mildly concerned by that. We got our nuchal results in and we were put in high risk. 1:17 My optimism kicked in and I thought that percentage wise it wasnt THAT bad, but the doc kept saying, someone has to be that 1! I didnt want the amnio. I didnt want to know. But I was talked into it as we live rural and if bub needed attention it couldnt be dealt with here. We flew to Brisbane where we had the amnio and fetal scan. Our bub had downs syndrome, and not just that he would look a little different but his heart was no good either. A lot of long fancy words were used, basically blood was going through the wrong heart tubes, there was only 2 chambers instead of 4 and flaps were missing.
So then the next question was raised, termination. My motherly instinct was there and I did not want to kill my baby. But it wasnt that easy of a decision. Our business operates 6 hours from a medical team that could look after this baby. We had no private health cover and our expenses would be high. I had 4 kids already, 2 were in school. We couldnt pack up and move towns, we would literally go bankrupt as all our money is invested here in our business. We have no family here, no help. I wouldve had to leave my kids in the care of a stranger, while my husband worked and I moved 6 hours away until bub was healthy. But bub would never be healthy! They said they could attempt to fix his heart but it would never be any good and because he was a severe case of downs syndrome that most likely his body would be riddled with problems. Which then came to what made my decision. Did I want my baby to suffer?

I hate myself all the time for making the decision I made. I should be holding him right now but instead I did the one thing a mother should never do. Let her child die. I have so many friends that have had babies lately, and it severly depresses me everytime I see them holding their babbies or hear them complain about their babies. I dont even know where my head is with it all. I still haven't dealt with it, mentally, I dont know if I ever will. People tell me that I shouldnt regret my decision, and even though I know I made the right decision for everyone, I still dont know if it was the right decision?



Really sorry Banana_overdose, I know the pain of a miscarriage but I don't know the feelings you are going through. I think you know in your heart that you made the best decision for yourself, your family and even your baby. I work in a neonatal unit and honestly, sometimes I think sometimes there are little babies that are just not meant to be on earth. Some people might not like me saying that but I do think that there are some situations where the child would have such poor quality of life and go through a lot of trauma with medical treatment that the kindest option is to not make them ever have to experience that. And in the end, it is up to the parents to make the decisions about that childs future... and all very well and good for another to judge, but it's you, as the parent, who will be alone in raising a special needs child. Even though I've struggled to get pregnant, I still believe that if I were in your situation I'd do the same - but of course, the loss is still unimaginable. GBH xx




Follow my blog "Bed Rest for Baby" at http://www.babysteps1804.wordpress.com

Mammuska- I do have a very supportive husband. He was pushing to do the amnio but he was supportive in whichever choice I made. He was leaning towards the termination only because of the repercussions it would have on our current children. He was absolutely shattered with the news. As he had talked me into having the 5th child as he always wanted a large family. He expressed his emotions more than me. I'm not a cryer, especially around people. I'm more of a bottler when it comes to my feelings.

I really appreciate all your support, I have been scared to post it in here since it happened as I coped a lot of abuse from some (Christian) mums in my Facebook due in group.



Banana_Overdose wrote:
Mammuska- I do have a very supportive husband. He was pushing to do the amnio but he was supportive in whichever choice I made. He was leaning towards the termination only because of the repercussions it would have on our current children. He was absolutely shattered with the news. As he had talked me into having the 5th child as he always wanted a large family. He expressed his emotions more than me. I'm not a cryer, especially around people. I'm more of a bottler when it comes to my feelings.

I really appreciate all your support, I have been scared to post it in here since it happened as I coped a lot of abuse from some (Christian) mums in my Facebook due in group.


I used to be a hardcore Christian and one of the things that pushed me away in the end was the narrow minded and judgemental views of others in the church. There are some wonderful, genuine Christian people - these I believe are the true "christians" but unfortunately there are a lot who claim to be accepting, wordly, non judgemental, "Christ-like" but they are so blind they do not even see how closed their attitude is. I knew a Christian lady who gave hell to a young woman who we worked with, who found out late into her pregnancy (about half way) that like your baby, had downs syndrome with a lot of complications. She was not from Aus, so all her family were o/seas. Her and her husband worked full time in low paying jobs. They had no financial support, family support and had another child to raise. She chose to terminate and I could not believe the way this so called "christian" treated her. Of course, they are entitled to their faith and their beliefs, but it is NOT for them to determine moral right and wrong. I hate to be so critical to those of the Christian faith, as I met and am still friends with some truly beautiful Christian people, however I also know first hand how brutal people in churches can be.




Follow my blog "Bed Rest for Baby" at http://www.babysteps1804.wordpress.com

Banana overdose I can completely understand the feelings of guilt and failure to protect your baby....I am dealing with those exact same feelings......
We fell pregnant with our 3rd bub when dd2 was 7 months..was a nice surprise, just a little earlier then we had originally planned. Things were going well, we had a dating scan at 9w and all was good, skipped the nuchal as our risk was low with the girls so we thought we didn't need it....went for our 19w morphology scan, all excited to see bubs, find out the gender and start preparing for its arrival.....that's where things went pear shaped. We found out he was a lil boy, but the sonographer kept going back over bubs head and then left to go get the head doctor...alarm bells were ringing.....they came back in and told me that we had to go see our gp to get a referral to a bigger hospital for a more in depth scan as they couldn't see things in his brain that should be there. 2 days later we went for this appt, petrified after spending those 2 days googling the info we had heard.
At this appt it was confirmed that our bub had a condition called semi-lobar holoprosencephaly. Basically his brain hadn't separated properly into 2 hemispheres. We had an amino so we could find out if there were any other chromosomal abnormalities that can come with this condition. After meeting with the genetic specialist and them giving us the prognosis for bubs future IF he was to make it to term, we went away for nearly 2 weeks to see my parents (was already booked prior to this bombshell) where we had a great opportunity to talk things through. We met with the specialist again after that and confirming some information we made the agonising decision to meet our little boy earlier than we had hoped. I was induced on the 24th oct 2012 and our little man was born an angel at 10:23pm. We knew Alexander would not have any quality of life, and this was confirmed with his autopsy showing his condition was quite severe. We had to consider not just his quality if life, but the effect on our family which is really hard to consider. Dd2 would have been 16months old, dd1 would have just started school. It's a lot of little things that need to be considered and honestly, no one would have any idea unless they have been in that position.....prior to this I always thought there would be no circumstances where I would terminate.
Thankfully we have had nothing but support, from all the hospital staff we dealt with to all our family and friends. My girls are the reason I have not fallen into a heap and it has made me appreciate what I have. And one thing that gets me through the guilt is knowing that we made our decision out of love for our son, it wasn't a selfish decision based on having to deal with a disabled child, it was knowing that he would be having hundreds of seizures every day, he would spend 99% of his time in hospital and he would not likely live past the age of one. there is no way I could live with myself, bringing my baby into a world of pain.
Big hugs hunni, there are no words that can heal the pain, but I hope knowing you're not along helps just a little. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk <3 xx
Rosie Mumma wrote:
I think it's disgusting that those mothers would abuse you for making a decision with heart breaking consequences either way. They obviously have never been in the situatuation and have no idea of the inner turmoil it involves. Stay away for them, you definitely only need to be around supportive people. I think you're very brave for sharing your story here. Thank you. x



+1
I could not comprehend anyone that has been in that position being anything but positive towards another parent having to go through the anguish and heartache.
I'm a Christian, and I'd just like to say how sorry I am that you've been treated badly and judged by some of us. We're not all like that, I promise. I cannot imagine what agony that decision must have been for you. Big hugs.
You did the right thing. Don't let others judge you. It's not fair to bring a child into the world with so
many problems.



Thanks ladies, It means more than you can imagine that you are so lovely, it eats me up even though I know it was the right thing to do.

Annie, thanks for sharing your story, I was just like you, never thought I would ever terminate. I was so against it, and always felt that a mother should play the cards she's dealt, but it is just not so black and white. There are so many factors to consider and in a way I felt it was selfish of me to bring him into this world. I have noticed that medical terminations are far more common than I thought, its just that no one wants to talk about it. Which is frustrating because I feel like I need to talk about it. I didn't feel like I was entirely supported. My close friends and family were great but then there was a few friends that made certain comments like 'Well I wouldn't have made that decision' and sort of passive aggresive remarks and I heard things being said behind my back. I even had a pathologist tell me that I was acting like it was no big deal. But, I bottle my emotions, I dont just cry in front of complete strangers, I must've seemed like I was emotionless that whole time, I was just empty but shattered inside, that comment really hurt, I went home and cried in our shed sad
It was hard to keep it a secret because everyone knew I was pregnant and because we had to go away for tests and this town talks all my acquaintances put 2 and 2 together.



Nobody should have to go through what you went through. I think it's really great that you have openly spoken about it...other mums who find themselves in the same heartbreaking situation will be helped by your talking about it. The more light is shone on to medically necessary termination the better. It is so unfair that women (and their husbands) have to go through this, and then on top of that have to feel the stigma around it.

I'm so sorry that you had to face losing an obviously very much-loved baby.
So sad to hear what you have gone through. It's not people's right to judge you on your situation and what you decide. I am also a person that bottles things up. I had a termination a few years ago and one of the worst things I ever went through. It was hard at the time as I just got rid of a baby and had to care for my 1 year lil man. I always vowed I could never do it again cause of the impact it on on me mentally and emotionally but you never know what situations come to hand!

Nel-Shailer Park, son Aden 14.2.07

he isnt a dirty little secret but a gift I had to return and people dont understand this


Unique, I love this....


Kazzav, Rosie Mumma and unique.....my heart breaks hearing your story, I'm so sorry for all of your losses
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