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  5. How would you tell a childless friend that you’re having your third?

How would you tell a childless friend that you’re having your third? Lock Rss

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[Edited on 16/04/2007]
Hi,

Wow, how upsetting for you.
I'm in shock that a friend could behave like that.
I don't want to sound judgemental towards your friend but it sounds to me as though she is being totally selfish.
You said at the start of your post that due to choices that she made and circumstances in her life she has been unable to conceive. I honestly believe that if she made choices that have resulted in an inability to conceive then it is her own responsibility. Your friend has no right whatsoever in being upset with you for eventually being able to fall pregnant. I would like to think that a friend would share in your joy about becoming a mum just like you've shared in her pain for the opposite reason. Friends should be there through thick and thin.
How she could think that people are rubbing it in her face by telling her that they are pregnant is shocking. I'm sure no one is thinking "Hmmm...Well I think I might fall pregnant just because such and such can't!"
The fact that you have been through so much yourself to have your babies and your friend is still resentful is really sad.
It sounds like it will be easier said than done but I think you should just tell her and let her know that as much as it upsets her to find out other people are pregnant it upsets you just as much to know that she is so resentful of you.
You and your babies and your partner are ultimately what's important and if your friend can't be happy for you then I think it's her loss.

I think you've got the patience of a saint to have put up with the way she has treated you so far!!

Take care and let us know how you get on with her.

Good luck!!

Kylie, SA, Mum of Tiahna 9yo and Liam 23.06.06

Hi Barbara

You are in a bit of a tough situation to say the least.

Whilst I have never been in your position or that of your friend I would say honesty is always the best policy. I would tell your friend you are ttc a third child but ease her into it, I am not sure how but perhaps explain to her that you don't want to hurt her feelings but this is what you and your partner really want etc etc and you would appreciate her support.

If she is a true friend she will stick by you and accept your decision. On the other hand you also need to be understanding of her feelings and no matter if she tries to hide the hurt/jealousy/resentment it will still be there and could cause her to treat you as she probably wouldn't normally treat a friend.

It doesn't make her behaviour acceptable but it does give it an explanation. I don't think you should let her treat you badly, tell her if she hurts you by what she says or does. From personal experience I know that deliberately hiding how you feel about a friends behaviour towards you does permanent damage to a friendship.

I wish you all the best ttc your third child, it is great to hear you are happy and looking forward to having another baby.

Kristi

4 lovely munchkins DD 10/03, DD 03/05, DS 10/06 &

Hi

You are in a really tricky situation..you don't want to hurt your friend but at the same time why should you feel bad for trying to have another baby?
I have a really good friend that is unable to conceive naturally and really wants a child. I was unsure of how to tell her i was pregnant when I first found out because I knew how much she wanted a baby of her own. But when I told her I was pregnant she was happy for me and has been very interested in my pregnancy, although i can tell she is sad and that it reminds her of how hard it will be for her to have a child because she will have to use IVF and even then that may not be successful. I understand what your friend is feeling, but it isn't your fault that she is unable to conceive and the way she is treating you is pretty rude and nasty.
Don't feel bad for being able to have a family. You can't control how your friend feels, and it seems like you have tried to be as supportive of her as you can be.
Bec xo
Hi Barbara,

I have followed this thread with interest and thought long and hard about how to help you. I have been on both sides of the story. First let me say in no way do I condone your friends behaviour towards you. Sadly, she has misplaced her anger at her situation on you and it is not your responsibility.

Due to ongoing medical difficulties from when I was 14, when we were married we were told not to wait too long before trying for a family. We started trying after a year. Nothing happened so with the care of my GP we were sent for further testing. sadly, things were not good. After a year of tests we were told we could try IVF but had less than a 5% chance of concieving through that and really should consider adoption. This was devastating. Through all this the only people who knew what was happening were our parents. Because at the same time our sisters, brothers and close friends were all starting their families. We have a SIL who was on IVf and broke down whenever she heard of a pregnancy. We saw how that made the excited parents to be feel so we decided not to take away anyone's joy by telling them that most likely we couldn't have kids. It was hard sometimes but I still maintain it was the right thing to do. (My SIL became nastiewr and nastier towards people expecting). We decided to try IVF anyway and after a couple of years had a success against the odds!! By this stage my SIL knew what we were doing as we went to the same clinic. She had already had a success and when I concieved her son was 2 years old. Nevertheless she kept ringing me telling me she resented me for being pregnant and it should be her baby. (It got worse but that is for another time). One of the best things about IVF is that it comes with counsellours. If your friend has started IVF I would urge her to speak to them about how to cope with other people's pregnancies. DH and I would always have a private cry at home when he heard our friends news but it was never about the friends, just what we couldn't have and wanted so badly. I used to feel guilty even for the private cry so one way i got over that was always to write our friends a letter telling them of our joy at their news and how much we looked forward to being involved in their baby's life. It really helped me without the parents-to-be knowing our pain.

Even though the odds were against us we decided to try for a year for one more bub. Again, parents, best friend and this time my mothers group knew what was happening. It made a big difference having the extra support. I told my mothers group why we hadn't told in the past and that I didn't want them to hide any news they might have from me. At the same time a good friend is on IVF after several miscarriages and after 4 years no luck. I was scared to tell her that we had a second success. When I told her at 12 weeks she was overjoyed. She said I give her hope. (Again, same clinic so she knows what we have been through). Yet my SIL has been nastier than ever!

You do not have any obligation to tell your friend you are trying for a baby. That is no ones business but you and your partner. I would urge your friend to seek counselling, either through IVF or other. You are not going to be the only person she meets who is pregnant. She needs to learn coping mechanisms. Also, a good friend does not put conditions on a friendship - like you should only have two babies. That is not a friend.

Sorry for the long post. Lastly, I wish you much success TTC#3 and look forward to reading a good news post when you do.

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[Edited on 16/04/2007]
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