Toddler refusing to listen

Hi all

Our DS will be 20 months this week and attends day care full time. At day care typically he's an angel but at home he's quite the head strong little man.

My question is when I ask him to do things like for example sit and eat your dinner (sometimes he just refuses to eat) or ask him to stop throwing he just blanks and completely ignores me, I know he is young but it's seems there is very little respect. Which is quite upsetting.

I get down to his level, talk in a non aggressive way and carefully choose my words so its not just NO but he just thinks its hilarious and continues doing his own thing.

Does anyone else have any other suggestions or been through a similar time, I would love to hear what you did to combat the situation or how to not go insane lol.

Thanks gasp)

Sounds pretty normal to me too, there's a reason they call it the terrible 2's and for some it starts earlier and some it starts later. Try not to take it personally most of it will be him trying to gain a little independents and assessing how far he can push the boundaries.

Well he is certainly pushing boundarys that's for sure.

Thanks for the advice I will start doing time out, just wasn't sure at what age they actually understand what it means.

Very normal. I don't think a child this young can really grasp the concept of time out to be honest. They are still very new to learning right from wrong so I don't feel that punishment is appropriate.

With my 17 month old I don't punish him... When he does something wrong I simply show him the correct way to do it. For example my dh can get a little rough and tumble with dd tickling her and whatnot (she's 6) and my boy will get excited and walk up and smack her on the head. He just doesn't know yet what is appropriate behaviour or how to join in on this play. So when this happens we all stop, and I say 'no bubba, nice sister' and I will stroke her head, and then he will start stroking her head too, and then he'll give her a cuddle.

This is working so well for us... 90% of the time now he will come up to her and stroke her arm/head/face and cuddle her. They play really well together most of the time, and us showing him how to do things correctly is really reinforcing good behaviours, rather than drawing attention to the bad behaviours.

At this age with such a limited verbal comprehension your saying no constantly and trying to talk to him about something doesn't really make sense yet. Showing him with actions and your hands while you're talking to him will help him understand. I will pick up my boy or turn him so that I can hold his hands and direct him sometimes. He will always follow my ques with this. I don't know this this part makes sense... It's hard to explain... If he was bashing a toy what I would do is take his hands, say 'be gentle' and then move his hands for him to show him how to use it appropriately. Have I explained that bit ok? Not sure lol

With the food... At this age they're still very focussed on their bodily functions. So if they're not actually hungry, they won't eat. And this is okay. If you make a fuss over them not eating then it just turns it into an ordeal and it becomes about the behaviour rather than actually eating for the child. As in they will play up purely based on they're expecting negative reactions from you. Some days my little guy seems to eat literally nothing. A few bites here and there. He did this just yesterday.... And every time he does this he seems ravenous the next day and will eat everything in site. He is a healthy weight range.

Just relax a bit and go with the flow... It's all about modelling behaviours. He is watching you more than you think... And they learn by copying.

That's great advice thanks. I do show him the right way I.e when he keeps hitting the cats, I pat them nicely and get him to say sorry and he does that but later that day or the next he does the same.

I know I do need to chill out and stop expecting too much. I also have a 5 week old DS so big learning curve for when he goes through this time gasp)

Oh and another problem I've had with my little man is that he bellows sometimes and will yell at top note.... It is one of my pet hates and I get pretty annoyed pretty quickly with it, and I have to control myself because yelling at him for yelling just won't make sense to him.

So I will put my finger to my lips and say 'shhhhhh' and I will whisper to him 'too loud'. He will then start saying 'sh sh sh' and put his finger up to his lips. So it really just distracts him and redirects him.

Oh wow that is a close age gap... No wonder you are finding it difficult!!

Be kind to yourself too won't you... Make sure you are getting a break every now and then. It would be super super hard having a new baby with a child this age!!!

The toughest part is that they require so much constant direction an therefore a LOT of your time... So I completely get that this must be so full on for you at the moment... He probably requires more attention than your newborn at the moment... Ahh that gives me a headache thinking about it...

Haha challenging is the word but he is very kind to his little brother, lots of kisses and cuddles.

Yes mine yells too and annoyingly when we go ssshhhh he just yells more. Argh the trials and tribulations. Although I have negatives to say he certainly has lots of beautiful qualities too thank goodness!

It's so hard isn't it... I'm sure you're doing a great job. He won't always be this way. Sometimes I find myself wishing time away so it would be easier but then I feel guilty because they're not little for very long.

I'm glad he's gentle with his brother, it would be icing on the cake if he wasn't! Lol I would find it pretty hard to relax if my little guy had a baby sibling... Pretty sure I'd turn around to find him dragging baby along by the foot or something! laugh

And another thing I might tell you... With my first child I was super strict and had very high expectations of her. I thought she understood a lot and when I look back I can see I was pretty hard on her and expected a lot. So when they're the eldest child all you have to compare to is the younger sibling... Or what they were like when they were younger. So of course you'll expect a lot. Now that my 17 month old is my second child I still think of him as a baby because I'm comparing him to his 6 year old sister all the time. It's much easier in a way because I so often I sit back and think ah well, let him learn from his mistakes.
The other day he was rough with our rabbit and though I'd shown him a million times how to be gentle he must have done it again when I wasn't looking... And all of a sudden it was all tears because the rabbit bit him. Lol (our rabbits are very tame and have never bitten before so he must have been rough).
I. Figure he'll learn from that now.. Next time he'll be wary!!

Same with climbing the furniture... With dd I was always right behind her and stopped her from falling... Or telling her off for climbing up. This time I'm much more 'meh... If he falls he'll learn!' Lol
Within reason of course... I wouldn't let him fall from a height.. But yeah I guess what I'm saying is that everything they do is a learning curve and sometimes if you let something go the natural consequence will teach them too.

chalys 'n' J wrote:
Very normal. I don't think a child this young can really grasp the concept of time out to be honest. They are still very new to learning right from wrong so I don't feel that punishment is appropriate.

With my 17 month old I don't punish him... When he does something wrong I simply show him the correct way to do it. For example my dh can get a little rough and tumble with dd tickling her and whatnot (she's 6) and my boy will get excited and walk up and smack her on the head. He just doesn't know yet what is appropriate behaviour or how to join in on this play. So when this happens we all stop, and I say 'no bubba, nice sister' and I will stroke her head, and then he will start stroking her head too, and then he'll give her a cuddle.

This is working so well for us... 90% of the time now he will come up to her and stroke her arm/head/face and cuddle her. They play really well together most of the time, and us showing him how to do things correctly is really reinforcing good behaviours, rather than drawing attention to the bad behaviours.

At this age with such a limited verbal comprehension your saying no constantly and trying to talk to him about something doesn't really make sense yet. Showing him with actions and your hands while you're talking to him will help him understand. I will pick up my boy or turn him so that I can hold his hands and direct him sometimes. He will always follow my ques with this. I don't know this this part makes sense... It's hard to explain... If he was bashing a toy what I would do is take his hands, say 'be gentle' and then move his hands for him to show him how to use it appropriately. Have I explained that bit ok? Not sure lol

With the food... At this age they're still very focussed on their bodily functions. So if they're not actually hungry, they won't eat. And this is okay. If you make a fuss over them not eating then it just turns it into an ordeal and it becomes about the behaviour rather than actually eating for the child. As in they will play up purely based on they're expecting negative reactions from you. Some days my little guy seems to eat literally nothing. A few bites here and there. He did this just yesterday.... And every time he does this he seems ravenous the next day and will eat everything in site. He is a healthy weight range.

Just relax a bit and go with the flow... It's all about modelling behaviours. He is watching you more than you think... And they learn by copying.

+1

That's a nice age gap at least your older one can really help out. Haha the poor rabbit! I can empathize, I'm surprised our two cats have not bolted out the door and never to return again with the amount of times they have been hunted down lol. Yes our DS is a climber everything is certainly an adventure thats for sure..

It's funny how calm you are with your second, even if DS2 is having a melt down I'm far more relaxed, quite funny really.!

It wasn't really by choice the age gap... Well it was and it wasn't. I didn't have trouble conceiving but I wasn't well after dd and I had to get healthy before having another. So in that regard I couldn't have another. It has its good points and it had points, I think there are pros and cons about any kind of age gap. The cons for us is that we had got to a really easy point with dd and then all the way back to nappies and babies, and sometimes dd says she wishes she had an older brother or sister that can play with her properly. Mornings are difficult trying to get ready for school with a rowdy toddler and I'm always rushing back to put him to bed because he's tired an cranky. So I can't stay for reading at school because he's too disruptive.

Sometimes I wish I had them closer so that I could've got the baby part out the way.. But I love that dd is so easy, so really half my troubles are already sorted. I think when he's 5 and she's 10 it's going to be cruisy, and I'm keen for just one teenager at a time too. Lol

Hope you're feeling better now, sometimes just getting it out helps too.