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Stop blaming the child Rss

My Hubby and I have been raising our neice (2) since she was 4 months old. She has always been a whingy baby, first because she suffered from bad reflux and because she was used to her Mother carring her around all day so she didn't cry. Then when we got her I didn't have the time to be picking her up all the time as I had a 9 month old and 2 three yr olds to tend to also, so she was left to cry alot of the times, just carried around whenever I got a chance. She soon learnt how to scream in anger from a very early age (6-7 mths) this was also observed by a Doctor and a Child Health Nurse. She has gone on to be very cruel and nasty a times and still whines ALL the time. I have taken her to Doctors but they say it is just behavioural, and habit.
My Mum and Sister have said to me I'm too hard on her and maybe I'm blaming her because I dislike her mother so much. I know I am hard on her and she does get put into the naughty corner or gets more smacks then the other kids. But my kids wake with a smile everyday and rarely whinge. They are alot quieter and easier to please. They also do as they are told without screaming 'no,I don't want to' everytime they are told to do something or asked to come join in like she does.
When I take her to Playgroup I have at least 1 Mum every week come up to me and say is it really worth the effort, as they can see how disobediant she is. I say yes as I would rather her stress me out of the rest of my life then live a horrible life with her Mother.
I am finding I don't cuddle her nearly as much as my kids and when I look at her I find it hard to feel warm a fuzzy at times, like I do with them. Do you think this is because I'm blaming her for her Mother or is it just because I'm tired and fed up with the constant behaviour. My Hubby tends to let her get away with alot and cuddles her if I rouse at her, so now she runs in to his arms everytime I try to get down on her level and talk to her.
Where do I start so we can all get through this.
I don't want her growing up to hate me for the situation is has been put in.

countrygirl

HI Beckie, I think you do need to show your niece just as much love, cuddles etc as you do your own children, maybe she is feeling the difference. Evenat two they pick up so much from what's going on around them. It would be hard to feel warm and fuzzy about a child who is so different from your own kids, but it may be a good place to start.
Have you thought about professional help, more than just a doctor or Clinic Health Nurse? It might cost a bit but it may be worth it in the long run. Maybe try to put your bad feelings about her Mum out the window coz maybe that is affecting how you feel about this little girl. All kids deserve love, and maybe if you change the way you feel about her, you will grow to love her more, and she will be more responsive to you...
I feel for you, and I really have no idea what you are going through, but I think some kind of professional help might be the way to go.....
Thinking of you.

Ali, S.A. 3 year old and due for no 2 Dec/Jan

I totally agree, she does deserve the same love as my kids and I hate myself for being like this. There isn't a night I don't go to bed either crying with guilt or a heavy heart. She lived with her Mum last year Jan - Aug (9mths - 15mths) during this time my Hubby and I went through very intense marraige counsilling as we nearly broke up due to having her and her brother for 4.5 months just prior. Four kids 3 years and under is a huge strain. During this time Jan - Aug I went back to work and we were just starting to sort out our finances, for the first time in a long time we were really happy, and stress free. Then my Husbands family put alot of pressure on us to take the baby again. When we took them back to their mother last year my MIL came around and called us for every name under the sun in front of all our neighbours then shunned us for months. So we weren't game or gutless you could say to say no when they kept ringing about taking her.
They kept saying if we didn't take her she will have horrible life and we will be just as responsible as her mother. I know we should have been stronger but we were very vulnerable at the time and they have made our lives hell in the past if we ever disagreed with them.
I know also it isn't her fault she is an innocent little baby, and that is why I'm so angry at myself for feeling this way. I have always loved kids and I would never even raise my voice or use a tone at any child but now I seem to be angry all the time.
I don't want to send her back to her mother but if I can't get through this then she is better off with her Mum. She never hits her kids but she did yell at them alot, she was a great Mum most of the time. I think the pressure from her own mother caused her to doubt other wise.

countrygirl

Thankyou so much Karen. I showed Husband what you wrote and he agreed we need to act now. My in-laws aren't talking to us at the moment. On this little ones b'day 2 weeks ago they and some extended family turned up with gifts for her and I went off (the first time in the 11 yrs I have known them) because they couldn't even give my kids a call or card on their b'days but had big expensive gifts for this one.
My in-laws are no help at all. Everytime I asked them to babysit when this bub was younger and I was living on 4 hours sleep, I was always told no. But when she went back to her Mum they had her every weekend and some evenings. I was so hurt and felt so used. My MIL asks how the little one is and we usually say great, when we say we are going through some problems than she will drill us saying 'what don't you want her now', 'she isn't a dog you can just keep on handing back everytime you have a problem', or 'you two are so selfish what about her'.
We took on this little one also because my MIL would always be crying about how it would kill her if she couldn't have her Granchildren around but she has never made attempt to get to know our kids at least.
I come from a big family and we are all very close and are very protective off each other. We are the type of people that open our hearts and homes to those in need no matter who they are, it is how we were raised. I'm finding it really difficult to understand why these poeple (my inlaws) have no sense of Unity. All these years I have live in hope that one day they will open their arms to my kids, or make me feel apart of the family, or at least say thankyou to my Husband and I for trying to keep them all together but I guess it is time to face reality. It is never going to happen.
Thanks again Karen, it is nice to hear someone else say 'I understand'. We feel so alone at times.

countrygirl

Hi Elle, I would love to put her into daycare but we can't afford it. We did ask her mother for $25pw to help pay for this, but of course she said no. Then we got a visit from my MIL telling us to stop ringing her daughter and upsetting her. She claimed my SIL could barely afford to eat let alone pay for daycare. I didn't $25 was much considering we only get an extra $30 from centerlink to raise her and her mother has never given us a cent.
I do feel really sad also because we always wanted 4 children but with all the drama we have been through over the past 2 years my Husband is determined that we never have any more. I long so much to be pregnant again and hold another little bub of my our own in my arms. I guess this is also why I dislike my SIL so much. I don't feel I could ever forgive her for taking this away from me. I'm 31 now and wanted to have all my babies by 33.

countrygirl

Hi Foxy, her Mother had a traumatic few months after bub was born. She got married, had bub 2 weeks later then found out her new Hubby had been raping her 8 yr old daughter. So she kicked Hubby out and had him arrested then 2 months after that she kicked her kids out saying it was their fault her life was ruined. Her ex has just been cleared of all charges due to no evidence.
She has since got on with her life has a new job, nice home, new man, very nice clothes, has austar, goes out to dinner regularly, goes clubbing nearly every weekend, blah, blah, blah. We on the other hand have gone $40,000 in debt over the past 2 years. We hand sell our car and buy a bigger one. We had to buy clothing, beds, blankets, shoes, food, alot of medicine as they were both sick when we got them.
I don't ignore her or shown her no affection, I do try but it a feeling of emptiness I have inside me at times. Her behaviour is the exact same as her siblings at this age, and they had a very stable life back then. I'm sure some of my feelings do contribute to her behaviour but I do feel she has had a more stable life then alot of kids that go up in daycare everyday or are swapped from one parent to the other. She think I am Mum, when she has seen her own Mother she doesn't even seem to reckonise her.
I talked the Family health today and they have referred me to Docs. They totally shocked me, they said what my SIL has done is illegal. Even though we get $30 from centerlink there has never been any legal documents signed and it could be classed as child trafficking. You cannot just a have a baby and give it up without signing legal papers. So now they are going to contact her and they are going to assess her and see if she is willing for councilling. If they find she wasn't an unfit parent or is not unstable in anyway Bub will have to go back and she will have on going counsilling.

countrygirl

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