Huggies Forum

Huggies® Ultimate
Nappy Pants

Learn More
The Huggies Forum is closed for new replies and topics, you can still read older topics.

Issues with nana Lock Rss

Am I being unreasonable? My mum DS nana has just had DS for the first time in 14mths overnight. She has been asking for quite sometime but because he is breastfeed and a lot of changes taking place before its only been now that I'm ok with her having him overnight. DS is still breastfeed and spent Friday at daycare, then went nana picked him up and took him for the night and I picked him up at 3pm on Saturday. All went well. Nana has half day on Fridays from work and picks up DS from daycare and comes back to our house and looks after hi until we are home from work. This is her choice as she wants to spnd time with him. Anyway she has now asked me that she has him overnight every second Friday and that I have to leave home at 9am on Saturday to pick him up so that she can get on with her weekend. I said that no I don't want any routime commitments and that we have our lives to lead to and we might have plans etc. I said to her can't we just leave the routines and just go with the flow and do it when it suits us all. She flew off at me and told me that I'm being so unreasonable. She lives 30mins away so I would be in the car for an hr every second weekend, I said to her I don't want my life planned by her and that Fridays mignt not suit us everytime it might be a Saturday. She said she can't do Saturdays as thats her time, whihc is fine by me thats up to her. All I want is some flexibility in this arrangement and not be commited to so shared custody arrangement over my son. Am I being unreasonable to stand my ground here? She was crying over the phone (guilt tripping) and then hung up on me. I am grateful that she wants to be a part of my sons life and I have no issues with that I'm glad shes like that and not the other way around. She thinks shes doing me a favour taking him but its more of a hassle having to plan around her and driving up there and back. Don't mind now and again. She said that its up to me to come and collect him too. Any suggestions on how to handle this situation are welcome.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. In fact in my opinion, a grandparent having such a young grandchild to stay over that often is a bit strange and I wouldn't have thought very common? I would never want my son to stay overnight with anyone unless there was a really good reason (like we had a wedding to go to, or were sick, or going to hospital or something)! So no I don't think you should agree to a regular stay-over, you're his mummy and he will miss you and vice versa. And you might like to have your own Saturday morning routines with him! smile Also, her saying you have to come and get him that early because she wants her Saturday? Um yeah, would be pretty annoyed by that too.





I agree with PP, it seems a little odd to me! I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. My DD is 3 and has only ever stayed over with my mum and dad when we have gone to weddings, one time when our house flooded and she will stay over when I have bubs in a few weeks time - about 5 times all up! She has never stayed over with DH's parents though, I just wouldn't feel comfortable with it. I'd stand my ground on this one, I'm sure your mum will get over it!
I agree with the above, this is the grandparent not a parent. They don't need to have any sort of formal agreement with custody.

I think that you need to have a chat about boundaries now as it will probably only get worse. Perhaps ask if her mother had an arrangement for custody when her kids were still babies? Perhaps you could suggest that she come and visit you more often? Or organise a semi regualar afternoon tea in a park halfway between where you live? If she really wants to see your DS then she should be willing to do that.




Thanks so much for your messages. Glad to know that I'm not being unreasonable as she has made me feel really bad. She has DS every week on a Friday afternoon. She picks him up from daycare early and spends time with him at our place until we get home. She thinks its doing us a favor by picking him up when its not as we are at work anyway and daycare on our way home and just 2mins away from home. Your feedback is great I feel more comfortable about standing my ground with my decision. DH is on the same page as me although I have told him that if she rings him to tell her to sort it out with me as she's done this before and laid the guilts on him to get what she wants.
I don't think you are being unreasonable if that is what you want. But to just throw it out there:

Dd1 stayed with grandparents (alternating between my parents and my inlaws) every Friday from around 6 months. This became their one on one time with her. I worked Fridays and they'd look after her while I worked, with the inlaws taking Fridays off work to help out. Granted we were flexible with the arrangement and if they couldn't do it we would figure other arrangements out (ie she would be home with us and they do their night plans). For DH and I it was important as he worked away most weeks or long days so it became our date night. Also I wasn't breastfeeding at the time which made a major difference.

My inlaws also only lived 5 minutes away. I would also call as soon as I knew she was awake to see how she was (do now as well and she's almost 4 and she only stays there once in a blue moon).

I also get that it doesn't work for everyone and to set a time on when to pick your child up (considering the distance you live) is interesting.

At the end of the day you need to do what is right by you not the grandparents.
Sorry I have to disagree with the others smile

I think it's lovely that she wants to look after your son overnight once a fortnight! My parents started having my DD for a weekly sleepover from when she was 1 week old smile She's nearly 4 and hasn't stayed there as often over the last year or so because my mum started working full time. I don't think it's weird or anything though, I mean what's wrong with spending time with grandparents? I can remember when I was younger I'd go and stay with my grandma for a week at a time (in school holidays) and go there alot of weekends and we had heaps of fun!!

As for you having to pick him up on the Sat morning, it seems only fair if she was coming to get him on the Friday arvo that you pick him up the next day, however i do think she could be a little more flexible with the time!

I would be extremely grateful and happy about the situation if I was you it's nice that she is willing to pick him up on the Fri arvo and spend time with him at your place as it is but each to their own smile
I wouldnt want someone dictating to me when they are going to have MY child overnight. Every second weekend is too much IMO, DD has only just started staying over at my parents house recently, and its only when we have something on. I think you are well within your rights to say no - He is your child.
I think your mum needs to remember she is a grandparent, not a parent!

Good Luck!!
I don't think you're being unreasonable if that's what you want ... but saying that my 4 year old has a "sleep over" every Wednesday night at his grandparents. He has done so for a long time. I think it's lovely that he has such a close relationship with them and he really looks forward to his night with them. It's also good for our 2 year old as he gets one on one time with us without his big brother bossing him around. Saying that though my parents aren't bothered by pick up times etc, it's just go with the flo! Good luck with it all!

Dav

my ds has only had 3 sleepovers in his life but that has been because its not really that easy for him to go to his grandparents. i think once a fortnight isnt too much at all and its great she is so willing and eager to spend time with him.
i do however think shes being unresonable with the conditions of the sleepovers.


my advice would be to sit her down and explain that u are happy for him to stay over once in a while but it may not be "every fortnight". that u dont want it to be such a structured event and to be a more relaxed arrangment. also i think it is certainly not too much to expect that she brings him back to you once in a while either. tell her u need flexibility or just not to bother at all.


i think sometime our parents still see us as their children, rather than parents of our own children and they struggle with not having that control over us anymore.
my mum sometimes has the view that if she is looking after my son she can do what she pleases with him because hes in her care even though she knows i wouldnt want her too. i have had to explain that although she is looking after him he is MY child and if i say i do not want her to give him or do something for him then that is my perogative and she eithers respects it or doesnt bother getting him at all.
Mine have never stayed overnight with anyone but us!

However our circumstances are different.

The child is yours, you decide what is reasonable and what is not. Whatever you decide, stick to it! You set the boundaries, not the grandparent.

Work out what YOU want to do, then have that conversation in person (all of you - united front)...sort it out now or it will become a bigger issue. Avoid phone calls about the topic.

good luck!
Thanks so much for the feedback. Since then mum has text and apologized and said that she understands where I'm coming from. Somehow I don't think this will be the end of it though but I won't go rocking the boat. I hadn't mentioned in my previous posts that we had asked her only a couple of times to look after DS when we had plans, first time she said no, second time very reluctant and I had to ask a couple of times before she said yes. I've also offered for her to have him on a Saturday during the day to which she has never taken up (this was when she was pressuring me to have him overnight but I wanted her to have him for a full day first and see how things went). She has also said that Saturday nights are out of the question as it cuts into her weekend too much. I can't seem to win with her. When she had DS first time last Friday night and Saturday day I did ask her if he took to the milk and she replied I didn't give him any I just gave him chocolate milk 750mls all up after I had told her when and how much to give of the milk I provided but took it upon herself to go out and buy him chocolate milk instead. AARGGHH! We have something to go to in 3 weeks time on a Saturday night and I will ask again if she can have him be interesting to see what she says this time round.
Sign in to follow this topic