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Advice or stories please!! Lock Rss

Hi Everyone, I need some advise or would love to hear your stories on how you handle family.
I love my family completely as individuals/ couples but when they are all together I cannot stand being near them. I am mostly a very positive person but my family bring the worst out of me. Christmas time is especially horrible. the past three since we have had our daughter are the worst. examples of our past three Christmas are:
First Christmas. With a month old baby, fighting infections, sleep deprived and trying to figure out what the hell I am doing wrong as a new mother. I was targeted firstly by my oldest brother before my whole family joined in on how I dare tell people to stay out of our room when I have finally after two hours got our daughter to sleep and don't want people to disturb that. then how dare I eat breakfast before I vomit when they want to open presents. the rest of the day pretty much went the same.
Second Christmas. I was ignored and bitched about in front of my face, I just put up with it and didn't bite back at them. After lunch and being totally over it I said we were leaving and they all went crazy on how I ruin everything for everyone.
Third Christmas. We had lunch with in-laws which was pleasant and then made it back to my parents house where we were meant to have dinner but they were still having lunch. We didn't make a fuss and just tried to join in. Then we were told we had to camp out the back and they would not take the cot down for us to have a daughter with us so she would have to stay inside or we would have to go stay somewhere else for two nights until a bed was free. Trying not to make a fuss we booked accommodation for two nights. We came back to 'oh beds still aren't free so you will still have to camp out back'. We decided to go home instead and again were blamed for ruining everything.

This year we decided to have Christmas at home alone until my brother called and made me feel horrible (which is very easy atm) as it is his last Christmas before he moves away and really wants us to go around. I stupidly gave in and said we would be there. Since then my whole family have been completely horrible to me.

I really do not want to go but have no idea how to get out of it without making them feel horrible or angry.

What have others done to get out of family Christmas or done to make the day better with family??

Sorry for the novel!!! Thanks

Honestly- I wouldn't go and I wouldn't care if they got angry. I just wouldn't take their calls. It sounds like they treat you like that anyway. If you don't want to go, then don't.

There was an episode of Dr Phil where someone asked him about visiting family on Christmas. Basically it was something like an eight hour drive to one parents house and then another 8 hours in the other direction to see the in-laws and every year they were expected to do it. They had had enough- they had a few kids and the drive ate into their finances and their family time on Christmas Day. Anyway- what Dr Phil said has stayed with me. He basically said that when you have your own family- that is your priority. Yes, your parents, your siblings and grandparents, etc are important but NOT to the detriment of your immediate family- that includes YOUR mental health.

What to say to them? Just keep it simple- something like "Dh and I have discussed it and we won't be coming over for Christmas Day after all." and if your brother really, truly wants to see you- try to organise a time to see him in the next couple of weeks.

GL with whatever you decide to do.
I just want to add that this year your brother wants you to go because he's moving away. Next year your mum will want you there because your brother isn't there. The next year your brother will be visiting so you will have to go. The following year Grandma will be sick so you have to go.

There will always be some reason that they will guilt you into it.

Don't feel guilty for putting yourself first for once.

Thanks. It is so hard to not feel bad when I put myself first but I hope I will eventually get over that!!
My mother called and I just didn't feel like talking so ignored it so she called dh to ask what was wrong and so he told her I have been really upset about everything and am hurt they have been so horrible and that I do not want to spend Christmas with them and her response was 'oh she will be fine, she loves her family so I no she would want to spend Christmas with us'. Dh said again she doesn't and would really appreciate you all understanding that we won't be there and mother just said again 'she will be fine on the day and will enjoy it' before she changed the subject. He tried and got nowhere. But I think I will just wait til closer to the day and be a coward and send a text to them saying we won't be going. At least that way they won't be on the phone and make me feel worse.
Doesn't help that I am the youngest and only girl, they have always expected a lot more from me. I guess the difference is my brothers have always done what they want and not cared about anyone else and I have always put my family first so they just expect me to continue. Hope I never do this to my children!!

I really don't think you will be like this!!

You are probably doing exactly what I would do in this situation- leaving it until closer. It's probably for the best that she doesn't believe your dh. At least she won't constantly call you and lay on the guilt wink She cant say she didn't know. She's been told. I think a text is acceptable now.

Hopefully when they realise you're serious (even if it is on xmas day and they finally realise you're really not turning up lol) they won't be so quick to dismiss your opinion and concerns anymore.

You might want to turn your phone off though once that text is sent until boxing day or when you're ready to talk to them wink
Tickled*pink .. Your might couldn't agree more.
Haha I think turning my phone off is a good idea, will definatly do that!

Can't wait for the drama next year when it's our new babies first Christmas..not!! I think we might jump ship for awhile so we can't be contacted!

Thanks for the support, it has really helped me feel better! smile

Bravo for speaking out - my family is similar in their insensitivity levels to each other. It seems now that my siblings have tween and teenage kids while I have toddler and baby that they are all soooo busy they can't make time for our mum and they have decided they are over Christmas presents so we have been instructed not to bring them!
There is the similar bitching and back and front stabbing and the lost text messages etc.. When did out lives get so busy that the rowing coach comes before family? Sorry, this is a rant .. I suppose the crux of the tale
Is that not everyone has a functioning family and if we don't we have to do our best for our kids, it will
Either get better or everyone drifts apart- it's only put reactions we have control over.
Merry Christmas, really, just another day with extra hype!
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