Huggies Forum

Step Daughter Lock Rss

When i met my partner, he already had a baby girl who was 9 months old. He was never in a relationship with the mum, it was a one night stand, and she got pregnant.
He didn't get to meet his daughter until she was 9 months old as It was a long drawn out process of finding out who was the father etc!

I fell in love with this amazing man, and was accepting of the situation, even though the mum has quite differnt values to us etc.

Long story short, we have been married 3 years, and my step daughter is now 6. We have her for 4 nights of the fortnight. I have always had lots of time for her, and treated her like 'my own'... or so I thought, until this year I had my own baby boy smile

Now suddenly I have got no time for her at all, I don't want her in my house. I think the way your life changes becoming a mum is hard enough, without an extra body hanging around, asking questions, and talking when i am trying to gather my thoughts. I am resenting her existance. I feel bad to talk about it because it sounds horrible... but it's the way I feel. I find that I am now resenting everything about her, from taking up the spare room at our house, to costing us money, to having to call her my baby's sister.

I guess it's the protectiveness towards my baby that is making me feel this way.
At the end of the day, her mum is feral and I don't want those lack of values spilling across into my family. My husband and I are on the same page about everything, and I would do anything to have it be just us and our little boy.

I feel like I can no longer handle this situation...

Wondering if anyone understands where I am coming from, or have been in similar situation?

Thanks smile
Ok, from MY perspective of what you have written, I think it is pretty harsh of you to have had 'lots of time for her' before you had bub and now you're outright resenting her existence. I'm sorry but I feel really sorry for your step-daughter, she must feel SO put out because she would surely be able to tell you don't want her any where near you. Just remember she is only 6 and does not know any different. As a 6 year old she would be genuinely curious and want to play with her little brother. The only thing I can think of doing is perhaps getting your husband to look after bub for an hour or so the next time she is over, and go to the park with her and try to bond again with her and do something by yourself with her each day. Find something she loves to do and join in with her. Something needs to be done fast because she will remember things from this age when she's older. Have you had a talk to your husband about how you feel?




Ok, from MY perspective of what you have written, I think it is pretty harsh of you to have had 'lots of time for her' before you had bub and now you're outright resenting her existence. I'm sorry but I feel really sorry for your step-daughter, she must feel SO put out because she would surely be able to tell you don't want her any where near you. Just remember she is only 6 and does not know any different. As a 6 year old she would be genuinely curious and want to play with her little brother. The only thing I can think of doing is perhaps getting your husband to look after bub for an hour or so the next time she is over, and go to the park with her and try to bond again with her and do something by yourself with her each day. Find something she loves to do and join in with her. Something needs to be done fast because she will remember things from this age when she's older. Have you had a talk to your husband about how you feel?

Basically your an adult. She's an innocent little girl. Your other half is her daddy. Do not orcastrize her because you can't control your hormones at the moment. And after having a baby alot of what your feeling may be due to hormones.
Keep in mind she's a small child. She has a right to her father. Especially if they've been having a relationship for the past few years.
you need to think to yourself, you may feel the way you feel, but your a grown woman that knows how wrong it is to hurt a little girl. Don't take her daddy away from her. Don't turn her daddy against her.
And her mommy being a feral isn't grounds enough to not have that little girl a part of your lives. If her mommys a 'feral'then maybe some unferalness that you think you are would be good for her up bringing.
I know this isn't what you want to hear. But the sad truth is, your partner brought is child into the world. You chose him knowing he had this child. It's a lifelong commitment. You can't just get rid of her now you've got a new baby. That's just grossly unfair on an innocent little girl that couldn't understand why she's now being abandoned after years of love.
Talk to someone, a professional if you must. Don't hurt this little girl. Don't treat her like nothing now your feelings have changed for her and you have a new baby. She deserves so much more than that.


I feel for you OP, I do & I understand how you are feeling as I am in a similar situation with an older child of my husbands, but Skippy is so right on this one. The more you refuse to acknowledge or treat her badly, the more you will alientate your husband & ultimately cause your marriage irrepairable harm. Hard as it is, be civil & accepting. Big hugs to you.
Thankyou.
I agree whole heartedly with what you are saying, and that is why I feel so bad. I am fully aware the fact that she is only a little girl, and she would be picking up on my negativity.
There is slightly bigger issues here as my husband missed out on the first important 9 months of bonding, and has always found it heart to bond with her since he met her. I have always been very supportive of him, and tried to help him with his relationship with his daughter.

My baby is only 8 weeks old, and I'm sure you know the feeling of being a brand new mum, with no sleep,hormones up and down, and some crazy days. I think my tolerence levels are obviously at a low, due to lack of sleep etc. I love my baby to bits, and it is so easy to not let my tiredness etc affect my relationship with him, but the difference is, that she is not my daughter, so it is alot harder, especially feeling as yucky as you do some days, because of baby fat, leaking milk etc. I just feel like my privacy is not there to deal with these things, and be a good step mum as well.

Also too, her mum has moved her from house to house, no stability etc, and doesn't teach her the basics in life. It has alwways been an uphill battle for us to try to teach her right from wrong, as we only have her 4 nights of the fortnight, and her mum has her the rest. All of our good work is undone each time she goes back home. My husband has always struggled with this even more than I have.
Her mum talks negatively to her about us, so much so that she used to cry and not want to come with us... until the day I had my baby of course.
We have spoken about it, and he understands where I am coming from, but doesn't have a solution. It is hard for him being in the middle.
I think you might be best speaking to a profesional about it. They wont judge you and be able to help you work out what the real issue is. She is a lil girl and of course she will want to be involved in her little brothers life. Think of it this way, if u think her mother is feral then she needs extra love and care when she is with you both for those 4 days. She is always going to be apart of your lives and she has a right to be there. Its not her fault that your husband and her mother had a one night stand all those years ago.
The other posts are right in saying that your hormones will be all over the place and the fact you said things were fine b4 your son arrived proves this.
Fingers crossed that you are able to work things out for the sake of your step daughter and her relationship with your husband.
Sorry but I'm going to be blunt here....

That is just disgusting that you would say those things about that poor innocent little girl. Imagine how terrible she must be feeling, not being able to understand why you don't want her there. How could you have accepted her all this time and now you resent her? She has a right to her father and if you tried to take that away from her or him you would truly be doing an awful thing. You see her 4 nights a fortnight, wow, that really isn't much hey... I feel so sorry for her.

Grow up and stop being so selfish. Go and speak to a counsellor or something before it's too late.

As a pp said, maybe try spending some one on one time with her to rebuild your bond. You can't blame the child when it was your husband that bought her into the world and you married him knowing that he came with a child aswell.

I really hope you will make every effort to change your feelings towards her, NO child deserves to be disrespected and treated that way.

Sorry but I'm going to be blunt here....

That is just disgusting that you would say those things about that poor innocent little girl. Imagine how terrible she must be feeling, not being able to understand why you don't want her there. How could you have accepted her all this time and now you resent her? She has a right to her father and if you tried to take that away from her or him you would truly be doing an awful thing. You see her 4 nights a fortnight, wow, that really isn't much hey... I feel so sorry for her.

Grow up and stop being so selfish. Go and speak to a counsellor or something before it's too late.

As a pp said, maybe try spending some one on one time with her to rebuild your bond. You can't blame the child when it was your husband that bought her into the world and you married him knowing that he came with a child aswell.

I really hope you will make every effort to change your feelings towards her, NO child deserves to be disrespected and treated that way.
If things are that bad at home with her mother, maybe you guys should be having her more then 4 times (i think you said a fortnight??)
I'm sorry that you had to tell me to grow up.

I'm actually very worked up about the way I am feeling, thanks for your concern.

How many step children do you have?

If I too was looking at the situation from the outside, would think it's disgusting...

But I'm not, I'm living it.
Wow that made me feel a bit sick and so sad thinking what that little girl must be feeling. If you know that you are in the wrong, why arent you making every effort to change the situation? If her mother is THAT bad, perhaps as PP said it would be a wise move to have her more often. Not, however, if you cant get past your own issues and put her first. You went into the situation with your husband knowing about her. You cant make her feel welcome and part of the family until it doesnt suit you anymore, that is grossly unfair on her. Yes, you may be hormonal but I dont believe in this case it is an acceptable excuse to take it out on her. Can you imagine going and spending time at someones (your fathers no less!) house knowing you're unwanted but having no idea why? And having no choice in the matter? She could also start resenting your son as she will work out that this coldness from you began when he came along. I have no step children but I know that I couldnt treat any child like that, whichever way I was feeling inside.
Please seek some professional help with this situation. You must be in a bad place to have those feelings towards her. No matter how you feel about her, she is your husbands daughter and she has every right to see him and have a relationship with him. She would be so confused about why everything was ok up until the baby was born. I truly hope you can work through your feelings of resentment and make some time and effort to rebuild your relationship.
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