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Divorce Question Lock Rss


Ok ill add something from personal experiance.

I WAS one of those young idiots who got married and after 2 yrs we split. Actually i left him and he didnt take it well. BUT i was more in love with the idea of marriage than the commitment itself i think. I was so excited to be telling people i was getting married to this older guy (who i worshipped at the time) that i was blinded by the fact we had a sh!t relationship and it wasnt worth anything, let alone marraige! I was 20 and he was 31. He had no job, was an alcoholic and just a no hoper. But i didnt realise any of that and just thought i was so lucky to be getting married. At the time i DID think we would be together forever so i have no problems about commitment but like i said i jsut didnt realise i had picked a d!ckhead. Not long after we were married he went to visit his parents in UK and was gone for a few months. I didnt cheat, i stayed devoted but it made me realise (by not having him there) how much i was holding myself back by being with him. So when he got back, we stayed together for awhile. It got rocky as i became distant. He still didnt have a job and was drinking our (see: MY) money away and becoming agressive etc (he has manic depression aswell). And when i met my now DP, he made me realise how GOOD a man i deserve. Not the sh!theap i was with at the time. So i left him. Ex didnt take it well and moved back to UK to live with his parents.




OMG! ... it's like you wrote down my EXACT story! The only difference is that in my case I never ended up going through with the wedding. We were engaged, but I just kept putting it off, never set a date etc.

I think that when you're in a relationship, and ESPECIALLY when kids are involved; there is a lot of pressure to get married, for lots of people it just seems like the natural "next step". I felt a lot of pressure from friends, family and particularly my partner at the time (as though he had something to prove by going through with a wedding) and he even went so far as to say the reason he cheated on me (and he did, regularly) was that we WEREN'T married and therefore he didn't feel as commited to me as he should (so watching me give birth to your children was...?) and if I married him, the cheating would stop. (ha!)

There is a lot of focus on the wedding day and what a great "party" it will be, but little talk about what is involved in the marriage.

I guess in a lot of ways; you can compare it to a pregnancy... people flock to hear your birth plan and talk about having a 'new baby' but few people talk about 'raising a child' and the fact that one the baby is born and the endorphins wear off, you are commited to that child for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. ... I hope that makes sense?

(not comparing the relationship in a marriage to a mother-child relationship, just trying to emphasise the fact that people focus on the one day when both are so much more)

I guess the point I'm trying to make is; if I HAD married him I couldn't imagine anything worse than a difficult divorse and being forced to face him over and over in a court battle. I think part of the answer would be making it harder to MARRY in the first place. Give people a chance to do some pre-marital councelling and even a 5, 10, 20 year plan so they both know they're on the same track and have the same goals in life BEFORE they commit to do it together!

I don't have much to say on the actual divorce front, my parents are married 28 years this year, my dads parents are 51 years this year and my mums parents, well they both cheated on each other a lot and divorced when my mum was 15, so the messages I have been getting since I was little is if they don't do something wrong, (adultery, abuse, etc) then work through the fights and the down times. My Mum is a cranky bitch, and I can see my Dad getting frustrated, and he jokes about getting a divorce, but I know that they would try EVERYTHING first before it came to that, if it ever did.
My DP and I are waiting to be engaged (as I'm pregnant and we think it would be nicer to wait) and we have discussed it in great length. I had told him that for the wedding, I want nothing more than a standard backyard bbq with about 15 people and some hired plastic chairs but a whole lot of love. I don't see the wedding as important. I've never fancied the whole bride thing. I've been proposed to 4 times (absurd considering I'm 24) and each of those time, I said no. The guys proposed out of fear of losing me. It was always when our relationships were coming to an end. I turned down the proposals and left them. To me, someone who takes such a great commitment so lightly is not worth it (personal preference). With my now DP, we talk about how it will be AFTER the wedding. We talk about our life goals, we know how many children we want, where we want to live, how we want to raise the kids, where we want to be in 5, 10, 20 years time. We also talk about things that we aren't comfortable with, such as going to strip clubs and stuff. Most of these issues, we agree 100% with each other, and the ones we don't, we work out mediums. We find new things all the time, and I find it important to be on the same page as each other. I'm a pretty logical person and I try to base my decisions on that, as opposed to emotion.

Basically, I see it as I'm less interesting in marrying him, more interested in being married to him. Sitting on our porch in 50 years time, in our rocking chairs, holding hands and whinging about the younger generations. I will only marry once, and I have told him that should the need arise for us to consider divorce, I refuse to sign the papers until we have seen professionals, we have tried everything they tell us and we are absolutely sure that it is the only option left. (This includes affairs and the like).

I know it is a bit off track, was just trying to point out what I do, that I'm hoping helps to keep us away from being another statistic. I have seen some hard divorces with friends and stuff, but I have also seen ones where the couple were amicable and they simply just signed papers and parted ways. (And now they're sleeping together, cheating on their new DPs)
maybe the focus should be taken off the easieness of getting a divorce, and make it harder to get married. make couples have councelling before the wedding, taking some of the focus off the actual day and onto the future of the marriage. how to communicate, how to overcome issues, maybe some couples will realise its not for them before they make the mistake. couples really need to take a good look at themselves and ask why they want to get married and what they expect from it. if you set your expectations too high to start with, you're almost destined to fail.

my parents just celebrated 36 years of marriage, but mum has said they almost split when we were kids, and it was over money. but mum and dad both decided what they had was worth fighting for and got through the tough times and are very happy. DH's parents also just celebrated 37 years together and they have been through good and bad too. having that to look up to is an inspiration for me, and to know that it can be like that even after the really hard times means its all worth it.

but the stats are quite bad. dh and i have been together nearly 12 years, married for nearly 6, and out of all of our couple friends from when we first got together, and quite a few of us all got married, we are the only ones left still together. dh and i know we will go the distance, and are already taking about our retirement together (we are both in our early 30's) and we are as happy today as we were on our wedding day!!

maybe the focus should be taken off the easieness of getting a divorce, and make it harder to get married. make couples have councelling before the wedding, taking some of the focus off the actual day and onto the future of the marriage. how to communicate, how to overcome issues, maybe some couples will realise its not for them before they make the mistake. couples really need to take a good look at themselves and ask why they want to get married and what they expect from it. if you set your expectations too high to start with, you're almost destined to fail.


Couldnt agree with you more!!
I think being in a long term relationship and being married is not so different. Marriage to me just means you promise to be with them for the rest of your life and you wear rings to show everyone else you have found your one true love. Im not a marriage type person though i dont find i need a piece of paper saying where married to show that i love my DP.

As for divorce. Why go into a marriage thinking eh if it dosnt work out i can just get a divorce. Why spend all that money on a wedding = S. Seems like a waste to me.


I think its wrong that people just willy nilly get married cause they want a wedding, not the long term commitment to someone that is actually what a marriage is.

Divorce is never easy for everyone. Def not when kids are involved = (
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