Argh! How do I do this???

I apologise for the novel to come.
It's been nearly a week since DP (I should say ex-DP but I can't right now) had a massive fight. I don't want to go into details here, but he said and did things that I cannot forgive. I can't for the sake of my sanity, and for my children.

I told him at the time we were done (on 3 separate occasions during the argument) because he had pushed me beyond anything that had happened before. He even mocked me saying it at one point, and I don't think he believes I was deadly serious.

But how do I do this?? Since Saturday I have not touched him, have barely been more than politely civil. I want to slap him every time I see him.

After everything had calmed down on Sunday, after the kids were in bed we had a quiet talk. I told him I would quit my job and organise things with Centrelink. That floored him, and he said he didn't want me to give up my job. I asked him what the hell he expected me to do then? And of course there were no answers....

We didn't say much else, I told him then that I'd appreciate being able to work until mid-November because people at work are booked for holidays and there's no one else to cover them, then I would begin sorting things out.

I was going to talk to him last night, but he was "sick" and pretty much went off into the bedroom nearly the whole time I was home. He's been tip toeing around me a lot (which is a unique situation. Whenever we've argued previously he always somehow gets the upper hand and I feel guilty, even over the smallest things, and try to make it up. Even when it's not my, or anyone's fault, as in something beyond our control goes wrong, he still somehow made me feel responsible and I'd try to fix it. Done now, don't care!!) and this morning showed his first sign of annoyance at me, which I cut him off from pretty quickly.

I don't want to be a bitch. I want to talk about it and actually make it 100% clear to him that we are not going to sort this out, but I want us to be.....if not friends, then not enemies. Does that make sense? We have 2 children, and I don't want this to be one of those break ups where we want to slit each others throats, and make things hell for the children. I know in some situations that's unavoidable, but hopefully not here. If the shoe was on the other foot, and I was at fault, I doubt he'd be so generous, but I can't be a vindicive person.

Jus the whole thing in front of me is so overwhelming, I have felt physically sick since it started, since I know in my heart there's no turning back. I wish I could just sweep it under the rug and fix things, but I can't, especially not for the sake of my children. For once I need to grow a pair and stand up for myself.

How the hell do I do it? My brother has offered babysitting services (he only works a few nights a week so is available during the day) so I don't quit my job, but I know I'll need to cut back to part time at least. I need to somehow civilly tell DP we need to put the house on the market and split the profit, because I can't afford to pay him out, and I don't want to screw him out of everything. I need to sort out custody, selling house, telling relatives, get through Christmas, and probably a hundred other things I haven't thought of.

If he was a vicious b*stard it would probably be easier. I could tell him jam it, run out with the kids and come back later with my brother and his musclehead friends to get our stuff, then do everything through a lawyer. But he's trying to be good. I don't know if he knows it's done, but after 5 days of me not talking to or touching him (apart from a few basic phone calls during the day to check on the kids while I'm at work) I know it must hurt him for me not to have told him one way or the other. On the other hand, he's done the wrong thing, and even during our conversation on Sunday he never apologised. He said he hated himself for what he said, and felt terrible, but those 2 little words "I'm sorry" never passed his lips. They never do.

Anywa, I'm sorry for the novel!!! I think I just needed to get it off my chest a bit. I don't know anyone who's gone through this, and I really have no idea what I'm doing, or if this is all going to blow up in my face. There is a 1% chance I wi,ll change my mind, but that is only if DP changes about 200 things about himself, which I know will never happen, and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Has anyone managed to do a break up peacefully?? What am I doing?!?!?!

Oh your poor thing. Sending you a hug and wishing you the very best.

Come on here any time and i'm sure someone will be on to talk to you.

Oh your poor thing. Sending you a hug and wishing you the very best.

Come on here any time and i'm sure someone will be on to talk to you.

Thanks smile I'm just feeling totally overwhelmed at the moment. I never thought this would happen, we came close to splitting about 3 years ago, but we were both at fault and worked hard to fix the issues.

I just don't have it in me to fight for "us" this time. He made it too clear to me that we (his family) are not his number 1 priority, and what he really thinks of me. He can change his tune all he wants now, I know he was telling the truth, and I can't be with someone who has absolutely zero respect for me, and very little regard for his children's feelings when things don't go his way.

Looking back on it, there have been many times over the years that he has shown just what his priorities are, and I was too gutless to stand up for myself. But I just can't take it any more, it's the straw that broke the camel's back.

Thanks for listening

Wow, you sound angry and frustrated and annoyed and hurt all at the same time. I do know how that feels. I have a few words of encouragement for you - Its been 3 days since my partner and I spoke to each other let alone touched each other. I am just standing my ground and waiting for him to come and talk to me - instead of me seeking him out time and time again. He just shuts down - but this is about me. I just wanted to tell you - that we went nearly 5 weeks without speaking! Obviously we spoke when we had to, but once the kids were in bed, we sat in different parts of the house and didn't speak at all. I am pretty good at the cold shoulder.
Its not clear what the crime was here, but I was married a long time ago, for nearly exactly 12 months when he looked at me and without blinking or any remorse said he'd been having an affair and was leaving me. I lived in another country with him and had NO family support. All I wanted to do was jump on a plane and come home, but needed to deal with lawyers for the finances and wasn't leaving the country until that was all finalised! He never said he was sorry and even if he had - I could never have trusted him again.
There shouldn't be a need to sell the house, he should move out and you would be entitled to more than 50% if you continue to provide FT care for your children. After a heated argument once and 1 child, I went down that path trying to get my head around what would happen and needed to happen. You should contact Citizens advice bureau for free legal advice about what your rights are and what you are entitled to - it will make you feel better that you are in control and give you a good idea of how things can work out for you. By the time you've done that, perhaps you will have kissed and made up.

I was told I was entitled to 80% of assetts (and liabilities), but if I kept the house and let him out for nothing else, he would go quietly. So he may take some furniture etc, but at least you keep the house and should be entitled to essentials like the fridge and TV etc for the benefit of the children. Car was in my name anyway, he had his own too - so we would have had 1 each. Get the free legal advice and see what they say. Also check if your employer has access to a legal service and or counselling through an employer scheme.

Good Luck! Let us know how it goes! I'm sure after a few more days things will settle down and sort themselves out.

I apologise for the novel to come.
It's been nearly a week since DP (I should say ex-DP but I can't right now) had a massive fight. I don't want to go into details here, but he said and did things that I cannot forgive. I can't for the sake of my sanity, and for my children.

I told him at the time we were done (on 3 separate occasions during the argument) because he had pushed me beyond anything that had happened before. He even mocked me saying it at one point, and I don't think he believes I was deadly serious.

But how do I do this?? Since Saturday I have not touched him, have barely been more than politely civil. I want to slap him every time I see him.

After everything had calmed down on Sunday, after the kids were in bed we had a quiet talk. I told him I would quit my job and organise things with Centrelink. That floored him, and he said he didn't want me to give up my job. I asked him what the hell he expected me to do then? And of course there were no answers....

We didn't say much else, I told him then that I'd appreciate being able to work until mid-November because people at work are booked for holidays and there's no one else to cover them, then I would begin sorting things out.

I was going to talk to him last night, but he was "sick" and pretty much went off into the bedroom nearly the whole time I was home. He's been tip toeing around me a lot (which is a unique situation. Whenever we've argued previously he always somehow gets the upper hand and I feel guilty, even over the smallest things, and try to make it up. Even when it's not my, or anyone's fault, as in something beyond our control goes wrong, he still somehow made me feel responsible and I'd try to fix it. Done now, don't care!!) and this morning showed his first sign of annoyance at me, which I cut him off from pretty quickly.

I don't want to be a bitch. I want to talk about it and actually make it 100% clear to him that we are not going to sort this out, but I want us to be.....if not friends, then not enemies. Does that make sense? We have 2 children, and I don't want this to be one of those break ups where we want to slit each others throats, and make things hell for the children. I know in some situations that's unavoidable, but hopefully not here. If the shoe was on the other foot, and I was at fault, I doubt he'd be so generous, but I can't be a vindicive person.

Jus the whole thing in front of me is so overwhelming, I have felt physically sick since it started, since I know in my heart there's no turning back. I wish I could just sweep it under the rug and fix things, but I can't, especially not for the sake of my children. For once I need to grow a pair and stand up for myself.

How the hell do I do it? My brother has offered babysitting services (he only works a few nights a week so is available during the day) so I don't quit my job, but I know I'll need to cut back to part time at least. I need to somehow civilly tell DP we need to put the house on the market and split the profit, because I can't afford to pay him out, and I don't want to screw him out of everything. I need to sort out custody, selling house, telling relatives, get through Christmas, and probably a hundred other things I haven't thought of.

If he was a vicious b*stard it would probably be easier. I could tell him jam it, run out with the kids and come back later with my brother and his musclehead friends to get our stuff, then do everything through a lawyer. But he's trying to be good. I don't know if he knows it's done, but after 5 days of me not talking to or touching him (apart from a few basic phone calls during the day to check on the kids while I'm at work) I know it must hurt him for me not to have told him one way or the other. On the other hand, he's done the wrong thing, and even during our conversation on Sunday he never apologised. He said he hated himself for what he said, and felt terrible, but those 2 little words "I'm sorry" never passed his lips. They never do.

Anywa, I'm sorry for the novel!!! I think I just needed to get it off my chest a bit. I don't know anyone who's gone through this, and I really have no idea what I'm doing, or if this is all going to blow up in my face. There is a 1% chance I wi,ll change my mind, but that is only if DP changes about 200 things about himself, which I know will never happen, and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Has anyone managed to do a break up peacefully?? What am I doing?!?!?!

[quote name='AO4DCB' date='13 October 2011 - 02:25 AM' timestamp='1318472724' post='3075675'] Wow.....5 weeks!! I don't think I could last that long, 5 days has been hard enough. And up until now, the cold shoulder has never worked with him, as he is always convinced he is right and ends up basically guilting/intimidating me into caving in. This time he KNOWS without a shadow of a doubt he is 100% in the wrong. I do not believe I will ever kiss and make up.....everything he said makes me honestly believe he thinks I am worthless and he does not like me. He can say it was the heat of the moment, whatever, I'm sorry but this time it will not wash with me. He has made his turd of a bed, he can damn well lie in it. More than likely he is feeling very sorry for himself because his free ride will be coming to an end. I work full time at the moment, and I have no problem cutting back or quitting to provide care for my kids, depending on how he wants to play it (if he wants to be difficult about custody etc). He is the SAHD, and I have always tried my hardest to work hard at work, not complain, and come home and pull my weight in regards to housework and sharing duties. He has never bathed the kids or got them up in the morning (except when I have been in hospital, a total of I think 5 nights in 5+ years). He doesn't drive, he doesn't do the shopping, he rarely pays bills. Even when he was working I did not ask him to contribute towards the mortgage or bills because we didn't know how long he'd be working for. He did pay some bills, but not many. I made sure I thanked him each and every time though. So now he has shown his true colours, he can enjoy himself.

[quote name='onewingedangel' date='13 October 2011 - 12:47 PM' timestamp='1318474021' post='3075692'] [quote name='AO4DCB' date='13 October 2011 - 02:25 AM' timestamp='1318472724' post='3075675'] Wow.....5 weeks!! I don't think I could last that long, 5 days has been hard enough. And up until now, the cold shoulder has never worked with him, as he is always convinced he is right and ends up basically guilting/intimidating me into caving in. This time he KNOWS without a shadow of a doubt he is 100% in the wrong. I do not believe I will ever kiss and make up.....everything he said makes me honestly believe he thinks I am worthless and he does not like me. He can say it was the heat of the moment, whatever, I'm sorry but this time it will not wash with me. He has made his turd of a bed, he can damn well lie in it. More than likely he is feeling very sorry for himself because his free ride will be coming to an end. I work full time at the moment, and I have no problem cutting back or quitting to provide care for my kids, depending on how he wants to play it (if he wants to be difficult about custody etc). He is the SAHD, and I have always tried my hardest to work hard at work, not complain, and come home and pull my weight in regards to housework and sharing duties. He has never bathed the kids or got them up in the morning (except when I have been in hospital, a total of I think 5 nights in 5+ years). He doesn't drive, he doesn't do the shopping, he rarely pays bills. Even when he was working I did not ask him to contribute towards the mortgage or bills because we didn't know how long he'd be working for. He did pay some bills, but not many. I made sure I thanked him each and every time though. So now he has shown his true colours, he can enjoy himself. [/quote] I really don't have a definate answer for you, but I am feeling your pain. Whenever me and DH argue, he always has a way of making me feel like it's my fault, and I am the one in the wrong. He says some nasty, horrible things when we fight, that really makes me just want to walk out and never come back. But, he seems to get these things off his chest and then is back to Mr nice guy. I wonder if what he says at the time is how he really feels, but then I think why is he still wanting to be with me, and tells me all the time that he loves me?! Men are quite complicated people I think! They want to play happy families, but then miss being single and having no stresses. Obviously we are more emotionally attached to our children because we gave birth to them!!! Sorry, I guess my moan hasn't really helped your situation much. I really don't know how I would go about being single again. unsure

Probably the best thing you can do is write him a letter.
wtite it in a civil professional manner that you would if you were writing to your boss who has pissed you off something wicked.

Outline that you wish to sit down and discuss financial matters.
> that you would like to let him know what you propose to do
> how things will be split
> custody of the children + arrangements for visiting ect.
> that your feelings have not changed and you wish to separate as his conduct is not something that you will ever be able to to put behind you and your broken trust is permanently irreparable and it doesnt just affect you the kids are just as affected.
> a contract will be written up covering all the important matters and will be sited by your lawyer and you advise he does the same and it would be in everyone's best interest to come to an agreement without wasting thousands of dollars going to court.

i would leave the letter where you know he will take the time to read it or you could send it in the post to him.

just remember you dont have to be polite - just be professional it will act in your favour and will make it easier to detach yourself emotionally from the situation.

I'm trying to be as detached as possible, it's not easy though!

He's still been feeling a bit sick, and apologised and said he just wanted to go to bed after I put both kids to bed last night. I've heard him coughing and sniffling enough to know he's not just putting it on. However the old me would be trying to look after him, make sure he feels okay etc. I just said fine, get some rest before leaving the room.

And now of course my uncle has come to stay for the weekend! I had totally forgotten, he's staying with my dad for 3 weeks from interstate, and loves to come stay with us. So I also kind of thought a very unpleasant weekend would be had by all if I dropped that in the mix. So once again I've chickened out and left it for now.

However, in all other aspects I'm standing firm. He has still not had anything but pleasantries from me, although we did actually have a fairly okay conversation before DS went to bed last night. But I have not even come close to touching him. I've found I don't even have to stop myself calling him hun or darl or babe. I just don't want to do it any more, it doesn't feel right. So I suppose as well that's reaffirming in my mind that I'm still done.

I want to do this the right way, so I might write a list out, and thanks for the topic points smile but I won't be leaving a letter for him to find. He has done that to me before, and I hate it beyond almost anything else. He went through a time of writing a nasty letter and leaving it for me to find when I got up in the morning (this was over 5 years ago, when he still worked full time, he started much earlier than me). So I'd read it, get all worked up about his nasty words and accusations, then try to phone him, or talk after work, and he'd flatly refuse, because he'd had his say and for him the matter was done, he'd got it off his chest.

So I have a burning hatred for letters left to find. Even before this happened, I get a sick feeling in my stomach if I get up in the morning and a notepad had been left out (usually by me writing a shopping list the night before and forgetting I'd done it) because I would automatically assume it was going to be something horrid he'd left, about something I had no idea I'd done to upset him.

But yes, I think a list of points to cover what needs to be done, to find out if he's willing to be civil or if it's going to end up with lawyers or whatever (another cost I can't afford....) is needed so I don't get sidetracked with whatever he tries to come back with.

Thanks ladies, you're awesome smile

I went through my split up two years ago and the one thing that stuck out in what you've said is that you just don't have the 'fight' for us.

That was exactly how I felt, and that's how I knew that it was the end.

He sounds a bit like my ex - usually bearable, but had some very nasty moments which made him ugly, ugly, ugly. So you want to do the right thing by him because he's not a complete tool - just make sure you do the right thing by yourself as well.

When I left, I walked out with nothing but my personal effects. So I had to restart everything. Even now, I'm using pots and pans which are suitable for uni students! be fair, but divide that stuff so you're not starting everything from scratch. Its also not worth anything in a property settlement. (only stuff like cars and houses really count).

But you can do it - its hard, but you can do it. And in the end, its much better for your kids to see parents who are not in conflict with each other and to see people in functional relationships, than to have parents who are together but not happy

Sorry - one more thing.

I email everything - my ex and I cannot talk to each other at all. Not sure why this is, but he completely ignores me when I speak to him. So I email everything.

This means I have an electronic record of all my dealings with him and I can go back and check on what we've agreed upon. It also has the added benefit of giving him the room to blow up about things and then calm down before responding rather than him blowing up at me.

So sorry to hear your going through this. Make sure you get some legal advice, especially if property etc are involved. Legal Aid or something similar.

All the best, its tough but you can handle it xx

Thanks girls, you're awesome smile

I still haven't sat there right in his face and said "When I said I'm done, we're done, it's over, I meant it." And I think in the back of my mind I still think there's a tiny chance of salvaging this. Only because I know the type of person he is, and I want to make sure I'm 110% sure I'm ready to walk away before I deliver the final blow, so to speak.

But we talked last night, for the first time in over a week. And I think I want to slap him even more now!! Apparently (sorry if TMI) me getting AF (I won't have sex with AF, I can't stand it) and then getting sick for 5 days, therefore not having sex, was behind it all. I was speechless.

He actually expected me to apologise!!!! To take full responsibility for what he said and did to me, and how he yelled at DS. I basically told him to stick it up his ass.

He told me to go find a relationship book and look up sex, and see what it says. I told him I doubted it would say that all sex is to be initiated entirely by one side of the partnership (yep, he refuses to initiate. It's all up to me, has been for years), that you can tell your partner they're fat and lazy whenever you don't get what you want, and blame them for every little thing that goes wrong, then still expect to get some on demand.

I really don't know where the hell he's coming from. That he can sit there and say because we didn't have sex for a week and a half he has the right to completely lose the plot, and he is convinced he is right!! He does not care one bit how much he hurt me by screaming at me like he did, and also yelling as DS. I asked him if he'd been yelled at like that as a child and he said "Yes.....well, probably not that bad, but yes," so I snapped and told him then you didn't get yelled at like that as a child, and even if you did, it's abuse.

He seems to think he has the right to say and do whatever he wants when he's pissed of....yet there have been a few very rare occasions I have called him a nasty name (trust me, I have to be absolutely blindly furious to not argue like an adult. I refuse to use name calling, insults etc unless it is an absolute last resort, but for DP it's the first thing to do) and he has acted like I'm the biggest bitch in the world, stabbed him through the heart. But it's fine to tell me I'm worthless.

Argh, I'm building up the courage, each day I feel more and more strongly about not wanting to be with him any more. 16 years is a long time though, and I'm finding it hard to walk away. But if he can't see a problem with how he's treated me, let alone DS, I don't know what the hell I'm staying for.

Oh well, I have until the middle of November to make my final decision. If I walk away from the relationship I more than likely walk away from ym job, and they need me until then, with people's holidays. I may well have ended this already if it wasn't for that!