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  5. I hope I have made the right decision.

I hope I have made the right decision. Rss

Well it's good that he was willing to meet with you and the pastor. A pity that he didn't talk much, but good that he opened up a little when you were left alone.

Good luck with going back. I really hope your DH steps up and starts trying harder. If he does have Aspergers that is going to make things harder, but definitely doesn't give him an excuse to be completely lazy and uninvolved with your DS.

Obviously I can't say for sure if you are doing the right thing, but from what you have posted it sounds like you are smile He wasn't changing by just talking to him, so he needed a bit of a slap in the face to realise he needed to change. You couldn't keep living the way you were. You weren't happy and you deserve to be.




"Parenting is the easiest thing in the world to have an opinion about, but the hardest thing in the world to do."

Just wanted to wish you luck and may I suggest that you two have a very open discussion about expectations - be specific about what you will do, what he will around the house, with bub etc. You need to both agree and hold him accountable to it. It's very easy to slip back into old routines and find that nothing has changed.




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I just wanted to say it seems like things were pretty bad for you to end up in this situation but you sound really strong and I think you are making good choices & I hope your man gets his act together for you and your little bub.
I'm assuming here that talking to him is not necessarily a good way to communicate effectively. It is really common for autistic people to not be able to process verbal input properly and at the same speed as NT people. Having Asperger's is definitely a valid "excuse" for finding things hard. It is pervasive and sounds like he didn't get the help he needed.

Instead of just assuming he doesn't care, is lazy etc, ask him WHY he finds it hard, ask him to think of ways to communicate better, let him explain to you how you can improve your relationship. You can't put assumptions of how things like conversations, decision making and discussion, should be, onto him. He is different neurologically and so everything you take as normal and unspoken - may not be that way for him. Both of you can have input into how things can get worked out.
Windmill wrote:
I'm assuming here that talking to him is not necessarily a good way to communicate effectively. It is really common for autistic people to not be able to process verbal input properly and at the same speed as NT people. Having Asperger's is definitely a valid "excuse" for finding things hard. It is pervasive and sounds like he didn't get the help he needed.

Instead of just assuming he doesn't care, is lazy etc, ask him WHY he finds it hard, ask him to think of ways to communicate better, let him explain to you how you can improve your relationship. You can't put assumptions of how things like conversations, decision making and discussion, should be, onto him. He is different neurologically and so everything you take as normal and unspoken - may not be that way for him. Both of you can have input into how things can get worked out.


I'm assuming your "excuse" comment was directed at my post. I'm not sure you took it the way meant it smile

There is no denying that having Aspergers is going to make things harder for him. However it is not an excuse to be lazy or not spend time with his DS. There is a difference between finding things difficult to cope with and pure laziness. I am not saying that everything he was/wasn't doing stems from laziness, but some of it probably does.

A big problem is attitude. If he can have the attitude that he wants to get through this he will be able to do some things that he finds difficult. But if he has a negative attitude he will find it much more difficult to overcome those things. Obviously if he didn't know he had it that adds another hurdle.

And I know what I'm talking about - my brother has Aspergers wink




"Parenting is the easiest thing in the world to have an opinion about, but the hardest thing in the world to do."

ProudToBeAMummy wrote:
Thanks ladies. I have tried asking him why he finds it hard and stuff like that but we are going to get help, I am not even try and do it ourselves. I am going to get assistants so I help dh and we can work though it together.


It sounds like a really good idea smile I hope everything starts to get better for you xx
I wasn't talking about you Zinkles. I was mentioning the mentality that people who are autistic hear all the time. That if we give our disability a name, it must be because we are "playing the autism card" or "just using it as an excuse" etc. When actually, we are naming it because we have trouble with something that is directly caused by our disability.

Having a brother with Asperger's is not the same as having Asperger's. Heaps of people know me; they make assumptions about me all the time and they are almost always wrong. You can't assume you understand a complex neurological disability just because you know one person who has it. One person also is not an accurate portrayal of a big spectrum either.

Negative attitudes in autistic people tend to come from entire lifetimes being treated poorly, because others around us make assumptions about our behaviours and about our motivations and intentions. "Laziness" and appearing to be lazy actually are direct issues linked to Asperger's, especially in males. So, it really cannot be considered as "just an excuse". You can't, as an outsider, decide what are legitimate problems to have and what are not legitimate ones. You can't feel what an autistic person feels.
http://autisticchick.blogspot.com.au/2013/12/sm...
That's great that you are talking about things, but just be aware that he may not be able to tell you why he finds things hard. Sometimes they don't really know. My brother will sometimes completely shut down if you ask him why he can't do something. Sometimes he knows why and sometimes he doesn't and it's just too much for him to even try to understand why.


Windmill, I understand that having a brother with Aspergers isn't the same as having it myself. I understand that I can't fully understand what it is like. But I do understand it a lot better than a lot NT people (obviously not including medical professionals).

People seem to have the idea that if it is not a visible disability it's all in your head and you are simply not trying hard enough. There are a lot of times when people who don't know him would just think he is being lazy or dramatic but my mum and I can see that it's actually because he finds something too difficult. I also understand that there are times when it is pure laziness. And there are also times when it could just as easily be either so we are careful not to put pressure on him just in case.

I know what you mean about where the negative attitudes come from. My brother has done practically nothing after leaving school a few years ago. He started off with great intentions, but his motivation took a real blow when people who were supposed to be helping him had the attitude that he couldn't do all of these things. It got to the point he would barely come out of his room. My mum managed to sort something out for him called workbridge. It's a program that helps people with all kinds of disabilities get into work. Since starting this he has come along so far. He has his motivation back again. He is currently trying to sort out moving out of home and starting a course that he wanted to do since he left school. All he needed was someone else to tell him he could do it. Apparently your mum and sister saying you could do it wasn't enough tongue

I think I covered all I wanted to say, but I'm on my phone and it's a pain to type and to read back. Hopefully it makes sense tongue




"Parenting is the easiest thing in the world to have an opinion about, but the hardest thing in the world to do."

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