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do you think this is fair? Lock Rss

hi all i will say sorry in advance for being long.
this is my problem, my partner and i live in a beautiful house in the best area due to his mother buying it and letting us rent off her when we found out we were having a baby(now 10months old). this was great but never ever did i expect it or ask for it. we have had a few friends come and live with us for a while but they moved out. now my partner finally got a job in his fathers family business(thats a whole other storey). now my dilemma is that his mother has basically sent my partners 16 year old brother to come and live with us as he has left school and is also working at his fathers and her eldest son 23 has moved back to her place. now this 16 year old is the size of a grown man and eats like a bloody horse, and not only that he dosent earn very much at all so i feel horrible to ask him for $100 for rent and thats not including food or electricity. it feels as though he has been just shoved onto us purely for the convience of herself so she dosent have to drive around for him and so on. now it has come to the point that we are losing big time with money as i am paying for all his food making dinners lunches and washing.
i dont know what to say. i have been brought up with knowing the value of money and not to take things for granted but my partner and his family have not, all their life they have been brought up on a silver spoon expecting everything to land on thier i think my question is that do you think it is fair that we have gained a 16 year old, whilst we are trying to create a family of our own or do you think that i should just take it as it comes and count my blessings. other points of veiws on this would be so great to hear please. i hope this make sense as i have a tendency to mess up what i try to say. thankyou all
Are you paying MIL market rent for the place?

I would be getting your DH to ask your BIL or your MIL for money for upkeep of him.
wow your mil has got you by the balls (so to speak)um i'm fairly out spoken so i would be telling her that you can't afford to have him there. i know she gave you a house to live in but using that as leverage to make you do what she wants is cruel and she is probably aware you are too nice to say no. sit her down and help her to understand that your not trying to be mean or ungrateful but you just dont have the money to support an extra person on top of your baby and with the cost of everything at the moment, your on the bones of your a-rse and will end up in debt if she won't take back her son and stop expecting you to act like his mother. You only have one child and i cant imagine that when she gave you the house to live in that it was under the proviso she could dump her family members there when ever she felt like it. it was unfair of her to put you in this position in the first place but now your going broke for her i would be angry. maybe ask your partner to have a word with her about how unfair she is being.

sorry if i was rude, good luck chicky
[Edited on 18/11/2008]

If you are paying full rent for the property I would be asking for something in return. Also they have more or less dumped him with you.. Wouldnt it be easier for you to have the 23 year old come stay who is more self suffiecient than a 16 year old to me a 16 year old is not self sufficient.

Good Luck..
ok so its your in laws house, but what do they think they're doing by passing the buck with the 16yo??? I would put my foot down about that, they should at least discuss it with you first, before saying here you go I have a boarder for you. As for 16yo I would ask for rent or he doesnt live there.

I feel for the poor 16yr old child who's been kicked out of home by his mother!

That aside though, perhaps it's time to look for a new place to rent? One that doesn't have strings attached. Work out if you'd be better off $-wise doing that, then get your DH to talk to his mother about the situation. If you're happy having the 16yr old with you, but it's only $ that is the issue, ask for a rent reduction, or board to cover his share of food, electricity etc. Worst that can happen is she'll say no, then you know your option is to find somewhere else.

given that he does not earn much tell him that board is $20 or something like that and he is to make his own lunches and give him a list of chores

mum of 3 boys aged 11, 13 and 14

Ohhhhhhhh this is a hard one! I could never personally rent off the MIL as you said it seems to be an expectation. I would make it quite clear (and yes I am very upfront and opinionated too smile that this is your family and that it is too difficult with a 16 year old boy! If you are paying rent then it is your right to say that. I would talk to DH and let him know about your concerns. ALSO... i agree with vkw make him do things. He is a big boy, he can make his lunch, do his own washing etc. If is is living out of home he needs to learn reponsibility. Maybe making him do everything himself will make him want to go back home to mum.
Seeing as it's your hubby's mother, and brother he needs to be the one to bring it up with them. Being his family it wont be as hard for him to talk to them about it as it would be for you.

We have always struggled for money and understand how hard it can be, it's really unkind of his family to dump a 16 year old on you! Don't feel bad about it- they have done the dirty on you, so you will not be doing the dirty on them by trying to right the situation.

hey guys thanks for the replys. i have brought it up with my partner and his brother and they think the same way as i do, there mother has a tendency to try and control situation. his brother thats living with us is so angry and upset that he has been pushed aside, when their older brother just moved into his room and took over. to complicate things even more their older brother is the biggest lazy slob who got evicted from his old house because his mum stopped paying for the rent for it. it gets to me that she could pay for the 23 year olds rent(the total amout) each week but yet she wont do it for the 16 year old who she pushed this family the chilren are all treated completly differently. and my partners father and mum split up so he is no help at all.

we do get of a little break that we only have to pay $300 rent a week but on my partners wage it still is to much and it ends up that we are living week to week with little savings happening. i have told his mother that he eats so much and she just says he has to pay more, but i couldnt livve with myself asking him to pay so much, when it wasnt his choice to move out in the first place. ahhh it is a very sticky situation.
I would be asjing your DF to speak with his Mum and say since we have blah blah living with us now and he is only 16. As we are providing meals etc etc etc. We will only be giving you $200 in rent. I only pay $280.00 here where I am for a 3 beddy. So Im not sure where you are but $300 seems quiet alot being family and all..
Best of luck, I hope you can make it work out. Poor kid being kicked out - especially if shes spoiled the other one.

Love my boys M-10/05/08 J-01/12/09

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