Huggies Forum

Selfish? Rss

i feel cheated. after a not-so-great pregnancy, and a disasterous labour 7 weeks ago, im still feeling like i was 'robbed'.
during the labour, it was discovered i had severe pre eclampsia (and i nearly didnt make it at one point). the doctors were in a mass panic, and all control of the birth was taken away from me. the choices were all made for me, as to what would save my life and my baby's life.
as soon as my son was born, i was stiched up, given a quick clean up and put in an ambulance to transfer hospitals. my son had to follow in a taxi. for the next few days, i was in ICU in a different hospital to giving birth at. i wasnt allowed out of bed, and the nurses did most of caring for my son. i hardly got to hold him, and was never alone with him (doctors in and out).
since we've got home from the hospital, things havent really improved. ive been diagnosed with PND and put on medication. it's making a difference, but not enough.
i was also diagnosed with gall stones, and told yesterday that i will be having surgery next week. im scared. the doctor also told me that i probably wont be able to hold daniel very much for about 2 weeks. so i need my mum to come and look after us. once again, i wont be alone with my son.
i feel like i havent bonded with him because of everything thats happened. since being home from hospital, i've had to go to doctors for my blood pressure, PND and gall stones. its like he has to be put on hold until im better. i feel like im missing out on his first months and its not fair. i honestly feel like im being cheated. am i being selfish to think like this? i keep asking why all this is happening to me, its just not fair. i know there are people worse off than me, but it doesnt make me feel any better at the moment. sorry bout the long post, but i needed to get that off my chest. now i've just read this back, i really feel like im being selfish. i should just be thankful daniel is healthy....

Tania. WA, Daniel - 26/01/06... smile

I think you should talk to family and friends about this so that they can be supportive and understanding. Especially your Mum if she's coming to help you. She's a Mum, she should understand.

I don't think it is unusual to feel the way you do after all that you have been through. Sometimes things don't turn out the way we'd like them to. My life motto is "shit happens!" LOL The main thing is to think positively and about the future and not dwell on the past. What happened has happened and there is nothing you can do about it. I know that sounds a bit harsh, sorry. smile .

Gall stones out seems to be quite common. I have a friend who had her gall bladder out a while ago before she had her bub. She was back at work shortly after and didn't seem to be too worried about it all. She said she was happy to have it out than have gall stones. Another friend of mine had gall stones appear while she was preggers and they were talking about taking it out soon. I should ring her and find out how she is doing - geez I'm slack! tongue .

Other than the Gall stones and PND are you and your baby otherwise fine? Have you joined the PND section in the Newborn part of the forum? It was my understanding that the medication can take a little while to fix things completely.
Hi Tania
I may not be the right person to answer all your questions, but hope i can help anyway. From what you have written, I don't think you are being selfish, you're wanting to bond with your baby and having a hard time. I didn't have PND or preeclempsia, but had gall stone trouble and gall bladder removal operation when my son was 3 months old. After the surgery, I was told I wasn't 'allowed' to pick up anything over 10kgs. As James was only 3 months old, he weighed about 6-7 kilos. I had hubby home for 3 days before he had to go back to work. When he went back to work, all we did was this: when he got up in the morning, he would get James out of the portacot (he was sharing our room at the time), and put him on the bed beside me, so I didn't have to bend over so far. I managed to do everything else okay - in the couple of weeks after the operation, I just made looking after James (and me) the priority - the housework just had to wait (I think I managed the dishes most days but that was about it). I found it a bit hard in the hospital (labour did not progress, so ended up with c-section), but at least James was in my room with me - although I could not wait to get out of the hospital - there is always someone coming or going, I'd get up for a shower and the cleaner would come in, the TV rental guy would come in while I was dressing, midwives/doctors whenever they bloody felt like, and they wondered why I wanted to go home after three days - I didn't have the guts to scream that I wanted some damn privacy! Anyway, sorry I seem to have hijacked your post. I hope this makes you feel less alone, and I do hope things get better for you soon. You sound like a caring mum and am sure the bonding will happen between you and your boy.

James' Mum

Hi Tanya,
Congratulations on the birth of your son. You are quite lucky from the sounds of it that you made it through the pregnancy and birth!
I don't think you are being selfish at all... having a baby is a huge change in your life (you don't need me to tell you that!). I guess I was very fortunate that I was well for most of the pregnancy (except morning sickness) and was able to have the birth how I wanted. I also had my hubby home for the first two weeks to help me recover and get into a routine.
I know it's different for everyone, and some have more trouble than others, but I think the first few weeks are the hardest. It's all new and very demanding - waking in the middle of the night (multiple times), not knowing what different signals from the baby mean, trying to run a house, etc.
I think you need to remember that YOU need to be well to be the best mum possible to your son. He will be around for many years to come, with plenty of bonding time! At the minute your number one priority is to get better. As for not being alone, perhaps you can ask your mum to occasionally go out and leave the two of you at home together for a while to enjoy each others' company. Or even if you could be up opposite ends of the house, so you could call out if you needed anything, but have some alone time with Daniel.
I'm sure you will figure something out so that you keep your sanity, get better, and spend lots of time with your precious son. (It might sound funny, but I love watching my daughter sleep, and have her sleeping on my shoulder/next to me - I found this a good way of bonding - just taking time out to admire and study your beautiful creation).
I wish you all the best,
~Rachel.

I think you need to talk to the doctor about your gall stone surgery. Gall stones are not life threatening and if you explain that everything is getting too much for you and you need some time out the doctor might be able to push the surgery back a month or two to let you catch up emotionally. Being stressed about this operation won't help your PND symptoms. . .

Secondly I think you need to have a PJ day or two with bubs. Forget the housework, take the phone off the hook, organise take away for tea and just spend some time bonding.

It's not fair that they took your power away during labour - but you can regain it! Stand up for yourself and your son and remember that your experience so far doesn't need to dictate your future.

It might also help to join a PND support group or seek counselling.

Good luck - your not alone.

two gorgeous girls!

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