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Serious advice needed please Lock Rss

OK, please bear with me, this will be a long post.

My DD's dad and I broke up when I was about 2 months pregnant. From my posts you may know he has drug, alcohol and temper issues.

Lately he's seemed to be making much more of an effort to see DD, but he's still not paying his child support and is in arrears, hasn't made a payment for about 4 months.

He is currently living with his mother in a community housing unit and there are some dodgy, scary people there.

He doesn't have a licence or a car or a job and is denying still smoking pot (I know for a fact he's at least buying it) and his mother also smokes pot.

We don't have any formal court orders or anything in place, I bring DD to his mother's house once or twice a week for about an hour and a half at a time, he has never had unsupervised contact with him as I haven't trusted him and DD doesn't know him well enough to feel comfortable with alone with him, as well as the drug issues.

I've recently started doing gym classes and I've been thinking about the possibility of dropping DD off at his mum's for contact while I go to the gym.

I'm really torn about what to do. I want DD to have a relationship with him, but I just can't get past his attitude and his behaviour.

I want DD to feel more comfortable with him before I'd leave her alone with him, but I just don't know what to do....

If any of this made sense.....what do you think????
Can you go to a lawyer/legal aid at all? Ask them about it?

I wouldn't do it simply for the reasons you have outlined.

Yes father figures are important but I tell ya what your DD can do without the Drugs and that.

If it were me I would be making him jump through hoops to prove he isn't still doing drugs and what not before he had unsupervised visits with his daughter. Maybe speak to him about some things he can do to better himself for his little girl and them take little steps in building a better relationship between DD and him. IYKWIM

Hope that makes sense smile

[Edited on 04/06/2009]
Tanya I used to work in a law firm before I had DD and my old boss knows pretty much the whole story.....I haven't asked her though because I don't want to go back there when I go back to work lol but will be shooting her a quick email.

Lil*Man07_Lil*Bump09 that makes perfect sense and is pretty much how I've been thinking...before he had unsupervised visits I wanted something formal so that he couldn't keep her and not give her back to me iykwim, but now that he's making more of an effort I thought maybe we could try the short visits while I was at the gym for starters.....
I agree with Lil*Man07. There is no way I would feel comfortable leaving my child with him. Even if he did prove to me he wasn't taking drugs anymore I dont think I could be that trusting.
I hope you come to a conclusion that you and your DD are comfortable with.

Allie you are living with your mum aren't you? Could you maybe get him to come to yours while your mum is there and watch DD while you're at the gym? That way your mum will be around to keep an eye on things, you get to go to the gym without worrying and DD gets to spend time with her daddy

I really wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her alone with him at this stage. I was considering it only because I'm trying to do "the right thing"....but after reconsidering it I really don't think it's in DD's best interests ATM and supervised visits are the way to go for now.

Em probably sounds bad but I don't want him in my house!
Go with your gut...your mothers instinct.
You may never regret NOT leaving her with him, but you may regret it if you DID leave her with him.

I can see how it is tricky for you
Allie, your first prority is your DD's safety and from what you've written it's clear that you don't trust him or his mother to care forher 100%.

I would still keep up the supervised visits but untill you can be sure there are no drugs involved and they choose to get their lives together then thats how it has to be!

Good luck I hope he wakes up to himself! xoxo

Thanks ladies, he tells me varying stories about his pot smoking, and pretty much everytime we see him he's hungover to the point he can't even drink water, then he says he's changed and barely drinks anymore and doesn't smoke pot anymore or lose his temper etc etc etc.....but I don't believe him!!!

Will definately keep up the supervised contact, but yeah at this point in time even the unsupervised for an hour at a time probably wouldn't be a good idea.
no CS no visits is the rule at my house, if he doesn't care enough to pay to raise his child then he doesn't deserve to see her.

It sounds harsh i know but make him work to see his daughter make him prove that he will be a good influence in her life. I know how you feel as a mother you don't want to be responsible for your child to not have a dad, but a child without a dad is better than one with a drop kick of a dad.

I know it is hard, i have nearly cut Jas' dad off so many times, and i know he wouldn't fight me ( he knows he wouldn't win) but i can't bring myself to do it.
If you werent going to the gym would you still be thinking of leaving her unsupervised?

I'd trust your instinct. Having been in a relationship with someone with drug issues there's a lot of talk and not a lot of trust in most cases.

I understand you wanting her to have a relationship with him but she's only little. smile
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