Huggies Forum

Gambling problem Rss

DH has a gambling problem which exculaded pretty much out of no where.. Started over a year ago, even then i was blind too it. I had no idea. He would leave work early to go to the pokies, tab ect without my knowlegde. Until the late bills came in.. and things just didnt add up. About 6 months ago we ended up having to rent out our house and move in with the inlaws just to make ends meet. He promised to get help ect and was doing okay for awhile. Yesterday he called after work but he called at 5.25pm.. it wasnt after 5.30 the normal time.. For some reason i just had this gut feeling he had left work hours earlier.. So i hoped on the net to check the banking.. He had gone into the bank and withdrawn $2500 then through out the afternoon taken out $800 in $200 hits from the atm.. and blew it all. I cant do it anymore..Im sick of putting on a brave face and pretending things are going to get better because there not. We went from being very comfy to having pretty much nothing. I have strangers living in my dream home. Im stuck living with my inlaws who i cannot stand.. My parenting is always getting questioned. Im cleaning, cooking and looking after everyone, guests and all. On top of the added stress. When FIL comes home from work he drinks until he can no longer stand. I dont want DS around him. I dont want him growing up thinking this is exceptable behaviour. Im ashamed to tell my parents the full story.. they think we invested in some "bad" shares. I feel like just packing mine and DS belongings and leaving.. Im drained.
sorry to hear about all this...... my responnse will be very blunt so im sorry if it upsets you...



it sounds like a very toxic environment for kids....
kids seeing adults get drunk is no good - it will become a learned behaviour and they will think its ok to get drunk like that when they are older. imagine your child, grown up, and drinking like that every night around their family?


and you deserve better than that from your partner...


time for a massive ultimatum. shape up or you're shipping out. LEAVE and go to your parents, a hostel, ANYTHING.... there is always help if you look in the right places... think of what that money could have done for your kids? could have been a bond on your own rental property..... you could have taken that money and started fresh.....


Stand up and take charge.....

Wow, sorry to hear that all this is happening. Is there a way you can make it so he has no access to the money without you signing for it? That might be a start. He will probably complain about being treated like a child and having to ask you for money, but it needs to be done. Will he go to gamblers anonnymous?

As for living with your PIL, it does sound like an awful place to be in, maybe it's time to spill to your parents and go there for a while.

Sorry I can't really help much, hugs.
your response is what i need to hear. No need to apologise. Im scared to take charge, im scared to be on my own. But my son deserves better.
Change is always hard... staying the same is comfortable.. You need to be honest with you family because you are going to need support of people who love and care for you.. just be honest with them tell them you were too embarrassed before to tell them the truth but this is what really happened..

You need to get out of the house you are in and away from a drunk and a gambling adict especially if he wont get help... the only way i would go back to my husband if he did that was if he stayed clean for a year minimum..

He has already taken the family home out from underneath you and now has you living in an environment when his child is exposed to a drunk not good...

GBH both you and your son deserve better

ETA: have you thought about just packing up your belongings putting it all in the car and going to see your parents?? and talking to them about it face to face? I'm not sure what the relationship is like but i would honestly be reaching out to the for not just physical help but emotional as well, the more support you have the easier this will be
[Edited on 31/12/2009]

Firstly, you need a great big hug. *GBH*

I agree with The Mrs on you needing to get you and the kids out. Its not a healthy environment for any of you.

I really don't know what else to say - I kinda know where you're coming from but Hubby's in recovery. Addictions are not fun especially when they are well in the grip of them. Also, talk to your family, right now you need support. When I told my parents about Hubby's drinking (and it took me a bit to tell them) they didn't judge, they were there for us both and are still really conscious of making him feel comfortable when we go over for a bbq/party/whatever.

Best of Luck

Love my boys M-10/05/08 J-01/12/09

Thats the only thing holding me back from walking out.. is change. But everything has already changed. I know longer have a house to call my own atm. I have been the one to make all the sacrafices.. I sold my car to repay what we owed on out late repayments of the mortage and to repay the credit card bill and everything else that DH put aside in order to make sure the money went straight to his addiction. Im stuck in the house all day as i no longer have the freedom of my car. i moved in with the inlaws. My lifestye has completly changed.. Now i think its time for me too change.. New year new start
Good luck with it all. Hopefully this will be the last big change for you and it will be a change for the good. A better life for you and your child.
i agree with the pp too.

i think it would be a good idea for you to take you and your ds to your parents (if they are good parents), tell them the truth and stay there for a while. make it so you are the only one to have access to the cash. it is obvious he can not be trusted to deal with money responsibly. i would then give your dh an ultimatum, seek help or you are out.

also agree with pp re learned behaviour. my bro is an alcoholic and his 6 year old son admires his dads drunken behaviour.

it sounds like such a horrible situation to be in.
My parents are loving and supportive and will understand no matter what, i think they will be disapointed in the fact that i couldnt be honest with them from day one. That i didnt feel i could turn to them for help. But they will not judge. I can stay with my parents and they will be great role models for ds and they were for me. Thats what i want from DS i dont want his mind poisioned with all this bullshit thats going on. excuse my language. I feel like im failing him for not doing what i know is best. An addiction is a long a slow process to crack and i know it wont happen over night.. but we have done the GA we have had minor slips here and there but this is just the icing on the cake. I think DH needs a real wake up call that we arent going to be here and help him pick up the peices. I know he needs help but i dont think i have the strengh anymore. He needs to do this by himself. He needs a reality cheek that maybe ds and i arent going to stick around forever.
I think you're amazing for having stayed this long and for showing your DH your support. But there is a fine line between being a loving wife who will stand by her man while he gets better, and being an enabler. This may sound awful but I agree with all the PP - get out and get yourself some help, because if you stay now, after your limit has been reached, he will only see that you can 'get over' anything. I'm sure your parents will understand and do all they can to support you and your DS, and hopefully once you're out of this toxic environment you can see everything more clearly, and more than anything I hope your DH wakes up and realises he needs to get himself sorted out for good.

(((GBH))) to you, I wish you all the best. Like you say, a new year and a new start. I hope 2010 is your year mate xx
My mother had a gambling problem that broke my parents up when i was in year 6. She did all the same sorts of things your DH is doing and worse. She is still the same 10 years later although she likes to pretend she has changed. I do not have a good relationship with her at all, she has lied, stolen and been VERY selfish. i really think that you need to leave and make sure he only has access to your accounts if you sign for them too. he needs to get professional before you consider reconciliation.

I know it's hard to start over on your own and even easier for someone whos not in your current suition to tell you to do so, but i have watched my mother do the very same things it is not a problem that is going to be fixed in a hurry and i really think the hardest part is the trust is all gone, i still do not understand how a parent can put their child in such a bad finacil situation.
best of luck and stay strong you are doing the best thing for your DS
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