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Im a failure as a mother... Lock Rss

i dont know where i have gone wrong in Cohen's life for him to hate me...

he has become a handful to the point in the last week where he will kick hit and slap me across the face if i ask him to do something or if he is doing something he is not ment too. I have tried every sort of punishment with him i admit i smack him if he hits me as i will not tolerate him hitting me.

We are atm doing the whole time out approach where we give him a warning if he is doing something wrong we tell him if he does it again he will go to time out and then is sat in time out if he moves from timeout we dont say anything to him we just go and sit his back down. This is working a lot better for DF then myself as when i put him in time out he will quickly run and hit or kick me.

I feel like he is never doing anything right we do praise him when he is doing something good but atm i feel like he is doing more wrong then right. i know its his age but i really think its more than just "terrible 2's" he is an angel at daycare he loves it there.

Also he is also hurting Aleya well has done twice in the last 2 days for example i told Cohen not to ride his ride on trike into Aleya because you are going to hurt her so he stood up and flung his bike and hit her across the head and then the following day i had aleya sitting on the couch looking out the window and because i wouldnt let Cohen climb over the arm of the couch because he might hurt himself he slapped Aleya and myself across the face.

I just feel i have failed him or im doing something wrong i shoudnt wake up each morning not wanting too... i just cant deal with him anymore and its really making me depressed.

I just cant be a stay at home mum to him anymore and i feel bad for aleya but im thinking of getting a part time job just so i get a break a few days a week.

im just at the point that i just dont know what to do....

You poor thing! It sounds like he is giving you a hard time at the moment. It sounds to me like you have lost your authority and you need to get it back. If it works better for DF then it sounds like he knows he can get away with more from you. I'd get really strict with him, I'd have him in the naughty spot every time he steps out of line even if you have to drag him kicking and screaming, he needs to know you mean business. Or will he respond better to taking something away? Warn him that you'll take a favourite toy away and make sure you follow through.
I'm not having a go at you but I don't think smacking him because he hit you is the way to go, I don't think you can teach not to hit by hitting iykwim?

Get DF to have him and go out for a few hours, sounds like you need a break!

Good Luck!
[Edited on 12/02/2010]
i know what you mean about the smacking i was totally against smacking but i didnt know what else to do...

I am taking toys off of him as well but he dont care at all.

I think the only reason sometimes it works better for Df is because he comes home and has patience to deal with it and by the end of the day im so exhausted from him.

I really think there is more to it for example he was playing for about 20 mins with his car on the mat the other day then just lost it was chucking the car on the floor against the wall i took it off of him and he started hitting me. He just has these outburst of anger all the time. He is on the waiting list for a speech therapist because he it a bit behind in his talking (he is 2 years 7 months old)

Do you think it could be jealously? Is he getting some one on one time with his mummy and daddy often?

when he hits you do you react to it? I found that my cohen (only 15mths) hits me because he knows a react?

If you think he is becoming out of control, maybe think about talking to your child health nurse?
She may be able to point you in the right path?

your so not a bad mother!!!

I know what you mean about the patience thing, you're probably right. If taking toys doesn't work then you need to find something that does, something will work for him I'm sure.

Sounds like there might be more to it or he might be frustrated as he's having trouble communicating? Hope you get an appointment soon and get some answers but in the mean time tell DF you need a break! smile
Bec you are NOT a failure, this is a stage he is going through and he will grow out of it eventually, hopefully with your sanity intact, lol! I know Cohen is younger but as soon as B turned 3 it was like he'd become possessed by the devil, hitting, kicking, throwing things, not listening, back-chatting and Mr Attitude!! I have copped more than one slap across the face, ended up covered in bruises when he took to my leg with one of his small metal chairs and had chunks of hair pulled out by him!

If he is good at daycare I would say he is probably bored, he listens to Daddy because he's not home all day whereas he hears the same thing from you all day, he knows how you'll react if he does something wrong so he does it for the attention.

I'm going to suggest something a little different here. Next time he has an angry outburst, remove yourself and Aleya from the situation, put Aleya in her cot so she's safe, and wait it out. Let him calm down on his own and then give him a really big cuddle and have a chat with him. Ask him how he's feeling or give him suggestions that he can answer yes or no to 'Are you angry/sad/frustrated etc' 'Is it because you're hungry/thirsty/lonely/bored/tired etc', then explain to him how it's not nice to hit people. I think you will find that the calmer you deal with the situation the less often it will happen. It won't always work, B was absolutely rotten last night and nothing would calm him down but I knew it was just because he was tired and got him into bed asap.

You will slowly learn what his triggers are and learn to manage them better, try and get out of the house every day, even just for a walk or give him a bucket and a list of things to collect in the backyard (rock, leaf, flower etc), B is SO restless if he doesn't spend most of the day outside. And try and have some good one on one time with him, even if it's while you do housework when Aleya is having a nap, get him to hand you the pegs for example or help wash the dishes (messy but they love it!) and give him LOTS of praise for being such a good help, or give Aleya to G when he gets home and do something special with him, he probably is starting to get a bit jealous as Aleya gets older.

Just a few suggestions, it's bl00dy hard when all you want to do is chuck a tantie yourself, lol
Big hugs - you sound like you need them!

Cohen doesn't hate you, but it sounds like he needs to learn another way to deal with his temper. I think the first thing you need is a break to recharge your batteries, because what I'm going to suggest will be hard work at first.

My DS1 has had a tendency to hit and pull hair but we have managed to stop it now. Whenever he went to do something aggressive, I would take him to his bedroom and hold him in such a way that he could not reach to hurt me until he calmed down. Then I got him to give me a hug and we went about our business. Until the next time. I did this every time he reacted aggressively, no matter whether it was the 10th time in 10 minutes, or it would make us late or whatever.

Now, if DS feels upset or angry, he takes himself to his bedroom and calms down before he comes back out. I didn't use his room as a time-out 'punishment', but rather as a safe place for him to regain control.

My DS1 has a severe speech delay, and I can assure you that Cohen's frustration at not being able to communicate well is a contributing factor.

Sorry about the essay smile - HTH.
He doesnt hate you, I think he's extremely jealous of his little sister and wants your attention. My DD went through a similar phase when her sister reached the 6-7 month mark - up until then she wasnt too bad but once her little sister became more interactive and mobile she got very jealous and very naughty. Its also an age thing too, younger siblings and being a toddler is hard work... mostly for us!

It's a combination of his age and dealing with having a younger sibling who gets nothing but positive attention. With the older one you are teaching boundaries, they get in trouble etc. I think we are over our worst bit of it - it took alot of time and we still have her belting her sister and occasionally hitting us but what works for us is consistent boundaries, timeout, we smack when she's really naughty... and what really helped with the jealousy was giving her more attention. Even spending an hour or two sitting with the older one doing some sort of craft while bub is asleep or in the portacot with some toys makes the world of difference.

Its hard not to get really frustrated and angry when they are continually naughty and its easier said than done sometimes but spending more time and attention on your older one pays off. They want your attention whether its bad or good and he's lashing out to get it. They also act up the most for the one they are most familiar with and spend the most time with... so thats you and is why he's better for Dad and daycare. So dont take that personally, the little bugger loves you and is jealous - and he doesnt know how to tell you.
thanks for all the suggestions Df and i will sit down tonight and talk about them and try and work out how we are going to approach the situation.

Im so thankful i can come on here and get some help

Good luck Bec, it's hard to get out of bed in the morning when you know you're just going to spend all day using every amount of will power you have not to strangle your own child out of frustration!! Your mindset needs to change though if you're going to change his behaviour and that's the hardest part so keep talking about it, you're not alone in this!
You are not a failure as a mother. You are dealing with the situation best you can like any other mum/dad would do.

I had a nephew that was like this. He would be really naughty so my SIL would do time out, take toys away, not let him do the things he likes and he really didn't care.

She went to a few CHN's and they mainly said it was a phase he was going through but she thought it was more.

Then she decided to elminate some things from his diet (ie. colours, preservatives etc) and see if that made a difference.

It made some difference and they just have to watch what they eat, but this maybe something to look at as well.

I hope that things get better for you because I can imagine that its not a happy place for you to be in.

Try to keep smiling and remember that you are only 1 person and can only do as much as you can.

TAke care.
i dread to think what people have thought of me the last few days with the way my child has behaved out in public!
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