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Hi,

I'll try to make this short. And I hope it makes sense.

DH and I have had a few issues of late. Last week he made a massive effort. He cleaned nearly the entire house. I was very impressed. And I made a big effort in expressing how happy I was and how I appreciated everything he had done. We decided to go out on Fri night to play free poker. he said he wouldn't drink (condition on us going out as he can't control himself). First thing he did was order a beer. granted a light beer, but in my world its still a beer. At the end of the night I ended up getting short it as I wanted to go, which I told him, and he said 'yeah in a minute'.... and then ordered another beer. He wondered why I cracked it. I went and sat in the car. He caught a taxi home... even tho I was right there. I should note that it cost $50 to get home.

Sat he had a boys BBQ, so I didn't have to deal with him. Picked him up Sun lunch time. he winged all arvo about how tired he was and did nothing with DDs.

Monday I had to drive nearly 3hrs with the girls to go and see my Nanna (she's nearly 89!). He couldn't come as my Mum was coming with me and our car doesn't have enough room for 5. I asked him to help me Mon morn. He put the kids in the car... and I hadn't got everything organised yet! I had wanted to give them lunch before I left. So I ended up rushing stuff into a bag and screaming at him that I didn't want the kids in the car yet. He's response 'You said you were leaving at 11.30'. What I had said was 'I had wanted to be gone by 11.30, but that wasn't going to happen'. I left and had a long hot drive across the state. Forgot DD1's night dummy, and a few other little things.

I got home today and he has done nothing. Hasn't packed the dishwasher or put the clean, folded clothes away, or hung out the washing from in the machine. He did manage to walk to the next town (over 6kms) to get some beer tho. I asked him to entertain the kids for an hr when I got home, so that I could unwind from the drive home (kids thankfully slept on the way home), and he didn't. He just sat on the couch, and asked my mum to entertain them. My mum was buggered too as she had to stay awake to talk to me as the car radio died and I forgot the ipod cause I had to leave in a hurry. He even made me drive my mum home (10mins down the road and she doesn't drive) because he couldn't be bothered (and beacuse he is so lazy that he hasn't been bothered to renew his licence... expired 19days ago).

He CAN NOT understand WHY i am so F**king angry at him! Do you think I am overreacting? And what would you to do him? (I need some punishment ideas!) I can not understand why he is being like this yet again. Why show me how good he can be and then do all this crap the last 4 days? I just don't understand. I couldn't do this to anyone.

Hi,

I'll try to make this short. And I hope it makes sense.

DH and I have had a few issues of late. Last week he made a massive effort. He cleaned nearly the entire house. I was very impressed. And I made a big effort in expressing how happy I was and how I appreciated everything he had done. We decided to go out on Fri night to play free poker. he said he wouldn't drink (condition on us going out as he can't control himself). First thing he did was order a beer. granted a light beer, but in my world its still a beer. At the end of the night I ended up getting short it as I wanted to go, which I told him, and he said 'yeah in a minute'.... and then ordered another beer. He wondered why I cracked it. I went and sat in the car. He caught a taxi home... even tho I was right there. I should note that it cost $50 to get home.

Sat he had a boys BBQ, so I didn't have to deal with him. Picked him up Sun lunch time. he winged all arvo about how tired he was and did nothing with DDs.

Monday I had to drive nearly 3hrs with the girls to go and see my Nanna (she's nearly 89!). He couldn't come as my Mum was coming with me and our car doesn't have enough room for 5. I asked him to help me Mon morn. He put the kids in the car... and I hadn't got everything organised yet! I had wanted to give them lunch before I left. So I ended up rushing stuff into a bag and screaming at him that I didn't want the kids in the car yet. He's response 'You said you were leaving at 11.30'. What I had said was 'I had wanted to be gone by 11.30, but that wasn't going to happen'. I left and had a long hot drive across the state. Forgot DD1's night dummy, and a few other little things.

I got home today and he has done nothing. Hasn't packed the dishwasher or put the clean, folded clothes away, or hung out the washing from in the machine. He did manage to walk to the next town (over 6kms) to get some beer tho. I asked him to entertain the kids for an hr when I got home, so that I could unwind from the drive home (kids thankfully slept on the way home), and he didn't. He just sat on the couch, and asked my mum to entertain them. My mum was buggered too as she had to stay awake to talk to me as the car radio died and I forgot the ipod cause I had to leave in a hurry. He even made me drive my mum home (10mins down the road and she doesn't drive) because he couldn't be bothered (and beacuse he is so lazy that he hasn't been bothered to renew his licence... expired 19days ago).

He CAN NOT understand WHY i am so F**king angry at him! Do you think I am overreacting? And what would you to do him? (I need some punishment ideas!) I can not understand why he is being like this yet again. Why show me how good he can be and then do all this crap the last 4 days? I just don't understand. I couldn't do this to anyone.



I am sorry you are going through this, it sounds like you and your hubby are on completely different pages. I dont think you are being unreasonable, if money is tight then the first thing that goes are the luxeries, alcohol, take away and all the other non essential items.
wishing you the best of luck

Hamish & Harrison "together forever"

Why dont you just tell him why you are angry at him.

I dont think you need to "punish" him, he's not your child, he's your partner.

Why dont you just tell him why you are angry at him.

I dont think you need to "punish" him, he's not your child, he's your partner.


I have. He didn't listen. He says that I am over reacting. In fact he said "you sh!t me to tears" and then watered the garden.

If he wants to be treated like an adult then maybe he should start acting like one.

Why dont you just tell him why you are angry at him.

I dont think you need to "punish" him, he's not your child, he's your partner.


I have to agree.... unsure

If it were me, personally, i would kick his sorry arse out, and maybe that will be the wake up call he needs.

I have been where you are, and TBH, it took me 7yrs to build up the courage to move out and move on. I guess you have to sit your DH down and find out if he wants to work things out, and be more helpful around the house, and help raise his daughters, coz by the sounds of it, he comes across like its YOUR job to be dealing with all the "adult" stuff.
i believe it is stuff like you have mentioned that wears down the marriage and slowly erodes the love that you have for him. in my experience, when i am left to do everything, including work part time, resentment builds up, hate starts to come into it and that is not a good sign for a marriage.

now my dh is by no means lazy. he works full time and is very hands on father, but when it comes to housework, well he just leaves it. and when i confronted him about it he admitted that he knows that i will do it and takes advantage of the fact that i CANT just leave it there.

i was honest and told him what i was feeling. he had no idea that i was thinking the things i was thinking. now he does a little bit more smile but the difference is the level of respect he gives me. if there is pasty all over the floor from the kids, he will clean it straightaway rather than wait for me to come home and clean it up 3 hours later.

so after all that, my advice is to tell him the truth. how it makes you feel. men have no idea what not helping out can makes us feel like. you need to tell him. how he takes that news will tell you whether he will change or not.

good luck.
obviously I don't know the whole story here, but good luck, hope you get some rest.




My 'multiquote' button is gone??

I agree with Rbilly...

It sounds to me like he is deliberately going out of his way to p!ss you off!

I can not understand why he is being like this yet again. Why show me how good he can be and then do all this crap the last 4 days?



Because in my own opinion, you cant change a person who doenst want to change!

He wont make these changes last if his heart isnt in it. He needs to WANT to do this for you and his family.

I dont think you need to punish him, but sit him down and explain to him that you are very upset at the way he is treating his family and that you would like these thigs to change (list them). Be specific and direct and dont expect too much from him in the beginning. Start small.
In my opinion, it's just plain lazyiness on your husbands behalf. You are doing everything, he's doing nothing, and there really is no excuse for that. I don't agree with having to explain to a man step by step how to do something, who gives us step-by-step instructions? That is babying a man, and from my experience, that makes things worse. He should be helping out, and if the alcohol part is a problem in your relationship, then he should be doing something about it. This sounds like my relationship with my daughters father, and even though I stuck with it for 9 years, it was an abusive and unequal relationship and he wouldn't change.

Good luck, I hope you can work it out. Sounds like he is not going to change to help save your relationship. Do what is right for you and your kids smile Hugs to you

Hi,

I just showed him what I wrote. He wasn't happy. Said I was being harsh. Perhaps I am, but I am fed up. What every one doesn't know is that he doesn't work. He is home all the time. Yes, he has severe depression, but at the moment I think it is more of an excuse. He is heaps better than he was 12mths ago.

He has done some stuff today, which is really helpful. I am unable to do certain jobs around the home due to having a very bad back. I am seeing my Dr tomorrow to get weight loss tablets to try and reduce the pressure on my spine. I really, really want to avoid surgery. So perhaps I am a little iritable as I don't get a lot of sleep and I am pretty much in some level of constant pain, plus AF came today (and boy does it cane for some reason). I would think that since he is home all the time that he would do more to help. I picked up all the slack last year when he was almost completely comatose and we considered taking him to hospital (me, my mum & Dr). (this was before my serious back condition was diagnosed). I think he should think about someone other than himself for a change. Is that wrong?

And I also don't agree with the 'men need to be spoon fed everything' theory. He is an adult and I am quite sure that he can think before he does something. I just think that he needs to learn to listen (i shouldn't have to say how i am feeling 20 times before it sinks in) and start pulling his weight around the house. Opinions?
if he is not working and sitting around the house all day, and you are in pain and taking on the full work load, i would be expecting him to have that house spotless!!!

On the other hand, i know what its like to have depression. I know how hard it is just to get your sorry butt out of bed in the morning let alone clean and pull your weight with all the other responsibilities of being a parent and an adult. But there comes a time where you have to snap yourself out of it. You have to tell yourself to get up and move. Sometimes you need someone else to say it which can hurt at the time but is needed.

I think you are enabling him without realising. You are not expecting enough of him. You are allowing him to get away with it. Only he can change his actions, his thoughts, his depression. You can't do any of that. But you are in control of how it affects you. and your kids. if it were me and i had had enough and couldnt take it anymore i'd be saying "enough is enough. if you dont step up, im stepping out"

for him "stepping up" might involve going back to the GP and getting medication adjustments made, seeing a counsellor, getting a job, doing specific chores each day, who knows. Thats up to you to decide. but if you dont want to keep living this way, you're going to have to up the ante and require more from him.
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