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need opinions Lock Rss

hi all

yes, i'm member in hiding as this is toopersonal for me to reveal who i really am.

So, what i need to know is am i over reating to this situation?

A few months ago i caught out my dh smoking pot. He denied it, then a couple days later admitted it. I was disgusted that he lied and at what he did. I told him that i don't like it and that it is unacceptable to me and if he did it again that there would be consequences.

He did it again-several times behind my back-when i questioned him about it he admitted it. I told him it is over.

Now just a bit of background info. We have been together 11 years and in this time i have put up with:
alcholholism (after going through hell he finally gave up and now drinks in moderation)
drug addiction (gave up and started again recently so he says)
Constant bullshit with his family, which twice escalated to the point where police had to be called.He never, not once, backed me up and always went on there side
lying and deceit

So he says i am over reacting... opinions please!

hi all

yes, i'm member in hiding as this is toopersonal for me to reveal who i really am.

So, what i need to know is am i over reating to this situation?

A few months ago i caught out my dh smoking pot. He denied it, then a couple days later admitted it. I was disgusted that he lied and at what he did. I told him that i don't like it and that it is unacceptable to me and if he did it again that there would be consequences.

He did it again-several times behind my back-when i questioned him about it he admitted it. I told him it is over.

Now just a bit of background info. We have been together 11 years and in this time i have put up with:
alcholholism (after going through hell he finally gave up and now drinks in moderation)
drug addiction (gave up and started again recently so he says)
Constant bullshit with his family, which twice escalated to the point where police had to be called.He never, not once, backed me up and always went on there side
lying and deceit

So he says i am over reacting... opinions please!



I say LEAVE him. I know 11 years is a long time and Im sure you have a family, etc but no woman deserves to be manipulated, lied to or have to deal with substance abuse or addictions.

As your partner he should back you up on everything, or at least be supportive and never EVER go against you.

You poor thing, i think you should kick him up the butt.

hi all

yes, i'm member in hiding as this is toopersonal for me to reveal who i really am.

So, what i need to know is am i over reating to this situation?

A few months ago i caught out my dh smoking pot. He denied it, then a couple days later admitted it. I was disgusted that he lied and at what he did. I told him that i don't like it and that it is unacceptable to me and if he did it again that there would be consequences.

He did it again-several times behind my back-when i questioned him about it he admitted it. I told him it is over.

Now just a bit of background info. We have been together 11 years and in this time i have put up with:
alcholholism (after going through hell he finally gave up and now drinks in moderation)
drug addiction (gave up and started again recently so he says)
Constant bullshit with his family, which twice escalated to the point where police had to be called.He never, not once, backed me up and always went on there side
lying and deceit

So he says i am over reacting... opinions please!


I dont think you are over reacting! Once an addict ALWAYS an addict. If you cant handle it, leave. You will never be able to trust an addict so you need to figure out if you can live like that. By the sound of it you cant and wont so your doing the right thing by leaving. You deserve better.
I dont think that you are over reacting at all.

I have zero tolerance for drug use, and its a deal breaker for me, whether they are smoking a joint here and their, so taking more severe drugs, I just dont accept it, and dont want it anywhere near my kids. I also have a huge problem with lying.

At the end of the day, you have to do whats right for yourself and your children. 11 years is a long time- but their have also been a lot of issues in that time from what you have said. And he should always back you up- whether he agrees or not, a united front and all that.

Well said supaexcited. I agree. If after 11 years, he is hiding that from you & when confronted lies about it, does it again knowing how you feel etc, it doesn't sound like he has much respect for your relationship, yourself & your children. I think you have already answered your own question with regards to where you want to go from here. All the best.

hi all

yes, i'm member in hiding as this is toopersonal for me to reveal who i really am.

So, what i need to know is am i over reating to this situation?

A few months ago i caught out my dh smoking pot. He denied it, then a couple days later admitted it. I was disgusted that he lied and at what he did. I told him that i don't like it and that it is unacceptable to me and if he did it again that there would be consequences.

He did it again-several times behind my back-when i questioned him about it he admitted it. I told him it is over.

Now just a bit of background info. We have been together 11 years and in this time i have put up with:
alcholholism (after going through hell he finally gave up and now drinks in moderation)
drug addiction (gave up and started again recently so he says)
Constant bullshit with his family, which twice escalated to the point where police had to be called.He never, not once, backed me up and always went on there side
lying and deceit

So he says i am over reacting... opinions please!

if children are involved leave. they will copy his behave include drug addiction. they are at a higher risk of becoming drug addicts themselves when living with are addict parent.
you do what ever you think is best but please just keep in mind that addiction of any kind, is a disease.

you wouldnt leave him if he had cancer and it was making him angry/grumpy/treating you like crap.... you would support him through it so you could have a future beyond/after the disease.

he needs help. you both do. to learn how to deal with addiction.

my family was torn apart because my dad was an addict. he finally went to rehab and is now clean(after a suiside attempt)... but its too late to fix the family.

just wish my parents had got help together to fix my fathers addiction.

anyway dont want to confuse you but just keep it in mind.

Edit to add.... you cant threten someone out of addiction.

if children are involved leave. they will copy his behave include drug addiction. they are at a higher risk of becoming drug addicts themselves when living with are addict parent.


agree... however genetics has alot to do with addiction so they may have to deal with it anyway.

they will learn ALOT from you both if you SHOW them how you worked together to fix the addiction and relationship and family.

Then if they DO become an addict they wont know how to work through it if all they know is that they are on their own with it....

if your DH was your child would you tell them "im leaving goodbye, talk to you when your fixed!" no you wouldnt do that to your child you would support them through it and do all you could to help.

IMO of corse smile
Hi there,

I do not think you are over reacting either. If you have been together for 11 years, then in that time respect and friendship should be at the core of the relationship.

I believe that it is not necessarily the smoking pot, alcohol or past of drugs that is the sign to end it -- as people can change their habits and some people have just had a bad start in life. However, the sneaky behaviour and not backing you up in important things is the main issue in my opinion.

If this is the kind of behaviour he is dishing out -- then what is in it for you and your children? There are no benefits to you or them. He is your partner, not someone for you to nag and spend your entire life trying to fix. Mutually helping each other out is a wonderful thing, but he is clearly not holding up his end.

I agree with "bothboys" that lying and drugs, no matter how "minor", are completely inappropriate when it comes to children.

Perhaps your lack of tolerance will be a wakeup call for him. As human beings, we tend to see the present time as what will always be, hence the difficulty for some people to see a need to change. But whatever the outcome, I believe that your choice to leave is the best one.

Good luck and stay strong. Decide now if it is the right choice, so that if he gets to you, you will be able to remember what you decided when you were thinking clearly.

you do what ever you think is best but please just keep in mind that addiction of any kind, is a disease.

you wouldnt leave him if he had cancer and it was making him angry/grumpy/treating you like crap.... you would support him through it so you could have a future beyond/after the disease.

he needs help. you both do. to learn how to deal with addiction.

my family was torn apart because my dad was an addict. he finally went to rehab and is now clean(after a suiside attempt)... but its too late to fix the family.

just wish my parents had got help together to fix my fathers addiction.

anyway dont want to confuse you but just keep it in mind.

Edit to add.... you cant threten someone out of addiction.


She cant carry him thru this. If anything, by leaving she may provoke him into cleaning himself up, and this he has to WANT to do, no one can make him. If he manages to keep clean then she may consider taking him back.

And IMO yes addiction is a disease but its one he chooses to have, its not like cancer where you dont have a choice. He also has to choose to get clean. But This woman has her kids to think about. And i dont think those kids need to watch and BE ON the ride to hell and back while he sorts his sh*t out. That needs to be done away from kids eyes and ears!

Cancer isn't a choice.
Drugs ARE


trust me addiction is not a choice.

i have had and beat cancer. it was easier than my dad fighting his addiction. honestly.

edit to say i know where you are all coming from. But people just have no idea how hard addiction is to deal with and it si so much harder alone sad really really hard. i struggled when i had cancer with that "i didnt choose this " "why me" metality but i felt the same about my dads addiction.

he didnt choose it. it destroyed his life. and i wish mum had helped him in his hour of need rather than leaving him.

2 sides to every story.

good luck with your decsion. smile

agree... however genetics has alot to do with addiction so they may have to deal with it anyway.

they will learn ALOT from you both if you SHOW them how you worked together to fix the addiction and relationship and family.

Then if they DO become an addict they wont know how to work through it if all they know is that they are on their own with it....

if your DH was your child would you tell them "im leaving goodbye, talk to you when your fixed!" no you wouldnt do that to your child you would support them through it and do all you could to help.

IMO of corse smile



I was the one that helped him through his alchohol addiction and then the pot addiction only to have him lie to my face, go behind my back, never defend me to his family (he once called and "told off" his mum and sil and then was kissing their ass by the end of the convo?)

I think i've done my part and yes good on him for giving up for so long but i'm sick of the lying and deceit and the fact that when he gets caught he twists it around and says i'm over reacting and that it's because he has no freedom and that i'm a control freak and that i make it hard for him to come to me with things.
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