I hate this...

Last night I had a massive cry... and I've barely been able to stop since.
I held it together at work and I try to suck it in when the kids are around, but it's so hard.

A lot of it stems from anger and bitterness...

I'm a very spiritual and philosophical person, so I often turn it around and tell myself that it's all for a good reason and that good can come of it, but the reality is I feel so alone and I feel cheated.

I gave up everything for him, I gave him 8 years of my life, plus three children. I sold my first home (it was my Grandma's) to finance our life together.
I went along with pretty much everything he wanted, right up to now where he said he wasn't happy and wanted to separate.
I felt relieved because I've been feeling so angry and bitter lately, but I feel cheated because he didn't even give it a chance.
I told him a few weeks ago that I was unhappy - primarily with all the time he's been spending with his girlfriend (she's actually 'just' a friend, but to me he's been emotionally involved with her for the past year) at the expense of me and us...
2 weeks later (after this girlfriend gets married and then figures she doesn't want to be with him and basically the next night was here talking to ex-DH for hours because she was going to end the relationship) he sits me down an hour before I go to work and tells me he's not happy and wants us to be happy apart...

I agree with him to a point, but I know I'll never forgive him for the way he's been acting this past year and a bit - spending all this time with her..
He's always on his mobile to his friends and always catches up with them , in particular her.
I hate her now.
I knew her from years ago and we've always got along, but I think I really hate her. I hate her for taking my husband from me.
I hate her because he wants to spend more time with her than me.
I hate her because my marriage is over and I feel so alone.
Meanwhile he's still carrying on as normal, going out with her and his other friends.

I know I haven't been happy with him for a while, and I know things will get better, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I can't wait til he finds a place to rent (hopefully gets some good news on Monday) because then I can begin to pick up the pieces of my life without him around...

How the *** do I start all over again?
How do I do this?

I just want to curl in a ball and transport myself to 8 years ago and slap myself in the face for believing so hard that he was 'the one'.
I had inklings that he wasn't, but I didn't listen and went on ahead anyway.
The kids are the only good thing to come of it, but I just don't have the patience for them at the moment and I don't know how to help them cope when he leaves and then when our family home is sold and I move somewhere else.

*sigh*
sorry, but I just can't talk to my friends honestly about it all - I tell them that I'm happy about it and it's going to be all good, but in reality I'm scared and alone and just want to bury my head in the sand.


I want to yell at him and shout at him and hurt him. I want to tell him how much his actions have hurt me....
but then it'll blow up into an argument where he won't back down til he's satisfied and I just can't be *** with that anymore.
I don't need to break everything down into tiny bits to understand or accept them like he does.
And then chances are he'll turn it back on me (in fact I know he will - he'll tell me how I pushed him away and that I shut him out and wouldn't talk to him, which is true but it's because I was so unhappy, but he could never understand that).

I am glad it's over, but I feel so many regrets....
I feel so angry and upset and I don't want to feel like that, but I don't know how to get past it....

Just had to blurt it all out..


Thanks for letting me, internet world! smile

All I can offer is ((hugs)) that really sucks sad

Oh hun. I really feel for you. Give yourself time alone to grieve for the loss of your relationship... yell, scream, cry, break stuff. Get it all out.
Reach out to friends and family to help, they will be looking for ways to help you.
Give your kids loads of cuddles and kisses. Will make you feel better as well!!!


Hugs to you xxoo

Hi

I'm so sorry you're going through this sad

I have been where you are ... I still am to a degree.

My DH told me out of the blue (to me, anyway) that he wasn't happy and wanted to leave. He did. Leaving me with 2 kids and a broken heart. We reconciled briefly, then I found out he was cheating. I told him to leave and a week later found out I was pregnant.

I have been sad, and weepy, and angry, and hurt, as you are now. sad I felt alone and I still do now, really. My friends are all happily married - they don't know what it's like to be alone.

What you are feeling is natural. You're grieving the loss of your relationship and family, but also the loss of the future that you expected. Of course you feel cheated - you worked so hard to make a family and it seems like he just waltzes off without so much as a backward glance.

Don't try to be strong all of the time. Allow yourself time to be sad and angry. I found it very helpful to talk to a counsellor. I felt I had 'lost' myself; I had turned into the person he expected me to be and I didn't remember who I was anymore.

It does get better. I still have bad days. I have days where I wish I had been more patient with the kids. But they love me anyway wub just like your kids love you.

((Hugs)) I wish I could be more help. But I understand how you are feeling. There will come a time where it is not so overwhelming.

Hun, I don't have any words other than HUGS xx
I hope you are able to get through this time and find the happiness that you deserve.
Best of luck for the future.

Thanks...
Unique1 - I kind of don't want him to know.
I don't want him to rethink it and maybe change his mind.

I don't want him anymore - I can't with the way I feel..

I just miss things the way they were (the good things).

I hate that I sleep alone in our bed while he's on the sofa and I can't roll over and have a cuddle..

I hate that he seems to have no regrets and is happy about it (even tho I come across as being happy about it too)

He keeps telling me that we'll always be close because of the kids and that he'll need my help, with things like paying bills and stuff like that - I've always done it..
I will help him, but I'll resent him for it lol.

Thank you all for your kind words.

Now I'm crying... again..
lol

Wish I could put the kids to bed and blubber on the couch without interruption!! lol

GBHs Hun - I don't have any words of wisdom, but did come across a site where people maybe able to give advice. From what you have written it sounds like he has had an emotional affair. The site is http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/.

OMG man! EXACT same thing happened to me! Except it was 11 years. He chose his (girl) friend over me and the kids.

I'm 3 & 1/2 months post separation. He moved out 2 months ago.

I too am angry as for the past 6 years I gave up my ability to work and put super away for my retirement. I also won't be able to go back for awhile, I have a 6 month old... He got all the holidays, took tons of cash out of our account all the time and bought all this expensive crap for himself, yet he thinks I should only get half the house sale money and none of his super.

He also told everyone I have pnd, that's why I left him. Not that he's a lying cheat.

We'll be better in the long run without that ***. I really believe it. I have my moments too, but I'm moving on and not lamenting the life I could have had. I had to mourn my shattered dream, but now I have a new one, with only people that love me in it. And going through this has shown me how beautiful people can be.

I wish I could give you a big hug (or sit and have a drink tongue with you) so you'll feel better.

oh hun I'm so sorry your going through this. sad

Take your time, don't rush and think you have to feel a certain way or can't feel a certain way..
Allow yourself to feel angry, sad and frustrated. -Yell, scream and break things if you have to!
You spent 8 years of your life together and in that time had 3 children.. Your not going to just 'get over it' in a day or 2 because that's a huge chunk of your life... It's going to take some time, who knows how long...
But just remember, things WILL get better. smile

I wish I could help you more..
Sending you massive hugs. xxxx

GBHs Hun - I don't have any words of wisdom, but did come across a site where people maybe able to give advice. From what you have written it sounds like he has had an emotional affair. The site is http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/.

Excellent site Melly_trish. Thanks smile

you poor pumpkin...
*hug*