Last night I had a massive cry... and I've barely been able to stop since.
I held it together at work and I try to suck it in when the kids are around, but it's so hard.
A lot of it stems from anger and bitterness...
I'm a very spiritual and philosophical person, so I often turn it around and tell myself that it's all for a good reason and that good can come of it, but the reality is I feel so alone and I feel cheated.
I gave up everything for him, I gave him 8 years of my life, plus three children. I sold my first home (it was my Grandma's) to finance our life together.
I went along with pretty much everything he wanted, right up to now where he said he wasn't happy and wanted to separate.
I felt relieved because I've been feeling so angry and bitter lately, but I feel cheated because he didn't even give it a chance.
I told him a few weeks ago that I was unhappy - primarily with all the time he's been spending with his girlfriend (she's actually 'just' a friend, but to me he's been emotionally involved with her for the past year) at the expense of me and us...
2 weeks later (after this girlfriend gets married and then figures she doesn't want to be with him and basically the next night was here talking to ex-DH for hours because she was going to end the relationship) he sits me down an hour before I go to work and tells me he's not happy and wants us to be happy apart...
I agree with him to a point, but I know I'll never forgive him for the way he's been acting this past year and a bit - spending all this time with her..
He's always on his mobile to his friends and always catches up with them , in particular her.
I hate her now.
I knew her from years ago and we've always got along, but I think I really hate her. I hate her for taking my husband from me.
I hate her because he wants to spend more time with her than me.
I hate her because my marriage is over and I feel so alone.
Meanwhile he's still carrying on as normal, going out with her and his other friends.
I know I haven't been happy with him for a while, and I know things will get better, but it doesn't make it any easier.
I can't wait til he finds a place to rent (hopefully gets some good news on Monday) because then I can begin to pick up the pieces of my life without him around...
How the *** do I start all over again?
How do I do this?
I just want to curl in a ball and transport myself to 8 years ago and slap myself in the face for believing so hard that he was 'the one'.
I had inklings that he wasn't, but I didn't listen and went on ahead anyway.
The kids are the only good thing to come of it, but I just don't have the patience for them at the moment and I don't know how to help them cope when he leaves and then when our family home is sold and I move somewhere else.
*sigh*
sorry, but I just can't talk to my friends honestly about it all - I tell them that I'm happy about it and it's going to be all good, but in reality I'm scared and alone and just want to bury my head in the sand.
I want to yell at him and shout at him and hurt him. I want to tell him how much his actions have hurt me....
but then it'll blow up into an argument where he won't back down til he's satisfied and I just can't be *** with that anymore.
I don't need to break everything down into tiny bits to understand or accept them like he does.
And then chances are he'll turn it back on me (in fact I know he will - he'll tell me how I pushed him away and that I shut him out and wouldn't talk to him, which is true but it's because I was so unhappy, but he could never understand that).
I am glad it's over, but I feel so many regrets....
I feel so angry and upset and I don't want to feel like that, but I don't know how to get past it....
Just had to blurt it all out..
Thanks for letting me, internet world! smile
I held it together at work and I try to suck it in when the kids are around, but it's so hard.
A lot of it stems from anger and bitterness...
I'm a very spiritual and philosophical person, so I often turn it around and tell myself that it's all for a good reason and that good can come of it, but the reality is I feel so alone and I feel cheated.
I gave up everything for him, I gave him 8 years of my life, plus three children. I sold my first home (it was my Grandma's) to finance our life together.
I went along with pretty much everything he wanted, right up to now where he said he wasn't happy and wanted to separate.
I felt relieved because I've been feeling so angry and bitter lately, but I feel cheated because he didn't even give it a chance.
I told him a few weeks ago that I was unhappy - primarily with all the time he's been spending with his girlfriend (she's actually 'just' a friend, but to me he's been emotionally involved with her for the past year) at the expense of me and us...
2 weeks later (after this girlfriend gets married and then figures she doesn't want to be with him and basically the next night was here talking to ex-DH for hours because she was going to end the relationship) he sits me down an hour before I go to work and tells me he's not happy and wants us to be happy apart...
I agree with him to a point, but I know I'll never forgive him for the way he's been acting this past year and a bit - spending all this time with her..
He's always on his mobile to his friends and always catches up with them , in particular her.
I hate her now.
I knew her from years ago and we've always got along, but I think I really hate her. I hate her for taking my husband from me.
I hate her because he wants to spend more time with her than me.
I hate her because my marriage is over and I feel so alone.
Meanwhile he's still carrying on as normal, going out with her and his other friends.
I know I haven't been happy with him for a while, and I know things will get better, but it doesn't make it any easier.
I can't wait til he finds a place to rent (hopefully gets some good news on Monday) because then I can begin to pick up the pieces of my life without him around...
How the *** do I start all over again?
How do I do this?
I just want to curl in a ball and transport myself to 8 years ago and slap myself in the face for believing so hard that he was 'the one'.
I had inklings that he wasn't, but I didn't listen and went on ahead anyway.
The kids are the only good thing to come of it, but I just don't have the patience for them at the moment and I don't know how to help them cope when he leaves and then when our family home is sold and I move somewhere else.
*sigh*
sorry, but I just can't talk to my friends honestly about it all - I tell them that I'm happy about it and it's going to be all good, but in reality I'm scared and alone and just want to bury my head in the sand.
I want to yell at him and shout at him and hurt him. I want to tell him how much his actions have hurt me....
but then it'll blow up into an argument where he won't back down til he's satisfied and I just can't be *** with that anymore.
I don't need to break everything down into tiny bits to understand or accept them like he does.
And then chances are he'll turn it back on me (in fact I know he will - he'll tell me how I pushed him away and that I shut him out and wouldn't talk to him, which is true but it's because I was so unhappy, but he could never understand that).
I am glad it's over, but I feel so many regrets....
I feel so angry and upset and I don't want to feel like that, but I don't know how to get past it....
Just had to blurt it all out..
Thanks for letting me, internet world! smile