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  5. If one of you wants another baby and the other doesn't... UPDATED

If one of you wants another baby and the other doesn't... UPDATED Lock Rss


Has anyone been in this situation before? If anyone could share their stories, or has any advice to offer, I'd really appreciate it smile

DH wants more kids, and I don't. We have two boys, they are 4 and 5 years old. He's been gradually testing the waters over the last few months to suss out if I'd be receptive to the idea or not and then a couple of weeks ago he straight out said maybe we could have another bub. Well not one, he wants two more, because the older two have such a close relationship we worry that the tail-end Charlie would be left out. Fair point, but then we'd have four kids! I never wanted to have four kids, I'd rather stick with the two we've got if we want an even number. We did talk about this before we got married, and we were definitely on the same page - we both wanted two kids, close together, and then possibly a third but we weren't dead set on that. We were blessed with the first two, close together just like we wanted, and it's taken this long for a third to enter conversation and he says well we can't really stop there... I don't know where his sudden cluckiness has come from! Or why I'm not clucky at all unsure

I've been trying to gear myself up for wanting another bub, when he first started bringing it up I tried to make a mental adjustment on my own so I could talk about it positively with him, but I just can't. I have moments where I think it might be nice, like when I look at the kids' old photos or baby clothes and so forth but I think I really just miss them being little, the babies I have, rather than actually wanting another one. I cherish every day with my boys, now and when they were babies, but it's kind of nice being at the stage we're at now. Going back to sleepless nights, taking a pram everywhere I go, nappies and so forth... I don't know, I guess I feel content at this point having left all that behind. If it happened by accident then I would definitely cope, I'd love the new bub every bit as much as I love the older two and our family would be just fine, there's absolutely no question about that. I just am really hesitant about doing it on purpose. It isn't likely to happen by accident because I have an IUD - I'm overdue for my pap smear (sorry for that bit of unwanted info lol) and DH wants me to have the IUD removed at the same time as having my pap smear, which really means he wants to start trying soon.

He isn't trying to put pressure on me, it isn't really that I feel pressured. He is right that we probably want to decide fairly soon, because even though we are still reasonably young (in our 20's), we don't really want to leave a much bigger gap between our kids than this; I think if it was now or never he'd like to say now, whereas I'd be ok with saying never. If that makes sense.

So what would you do?? Go ahead and have another baby even though you really don't want to, because your DH wants to? Or say no, and expect DH to just get over it? I want to be sensitive to his feelings, and that's the difficulty here - there are only two options, either have a baby or don't, there is no half way if you know what I mean. There's no compromise, other than me having a baby when I don't want to, or DH giving up the thought of a baby he does want. I don't know what to do sad
argh - i dont know, but i will be watching this thread with keen interest, cause i am in the same situation as you - but, we have a 13yr old & a 5 yr old..

DH just came out about 2 weeks ago with the 'i want another baby' line & i nearly choked.
I would've loved to have a big fammily 4/5 kids, but we agreed when i was preg with #1 that we would stop at 2, unless we were in a financial position to keep going. Well, that was all great, but NOW we ARE in a financial position that we could easily have another 2 kids no worries at all. But, i am now 37... i never wanted to be having kids after i was 30 either - that was something that i had decided when i was much younger, but we had a surprise DD after i was 30 anyway.. so, for us it would be now or never too.. we have trouble getting & staying pregnant, so i would hate to think how devastating it would be for us to start trying now & for it to never happen due to our age or our pregnancy complications.
My life is so easy now that the kids are a little older & DH works 12 hours a day, so essentially i would be a single mum for the majority of the time. I'm ok with the older ones with this, but when i think about having a screaming newborn & being alone for that length of time scares the bejeesus out of me. DH also works 10 days straight before he gets days off, so i am scared what will happen in those early months with him gone so much. We also live interstate from all our friends/family, so will have no support in that area either... I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but i cant help but wonder how i would cope.

there is no pressure here from DH either, i'm just not 100% sold that it is the right thing for our family to do...

I am absolutely NO help to you at all, i guess i just wanted to share that you are not alone.
I hope you get some helpful advice here too smile thankyou for letting me know I'm not alone!

It's a tough one, you get to the point where life is getting easier and you're looking towards the next stage, it feels like going backwards rather than forwards somehow. Maybe if it was the right thing for us right now, it would feel different... or maybe I'm trying to justify feeling the way I do lol tongue

you get to the point where life is getting easier and you're looking towards the next stage, it feels like going backwards rather than forwards somehow. Maybe if it was the right thing for us right now, it would feel different... or maybe I'm trying to justify feeling the way I do lol tongue

yeah, see i think that this is how i feel too - but DH can't see it like that & i think that's because he isn't the one that will be housebound with a newborn again. he will toddle himself off to his job 12 hours a day.. i think he has forgotten that he WILL be getting up to this baby even tho he needs to go to work at 5 in the morning.. LOL maybe i should borrow someones newborn.. LOL.

send him to tresillian for a week LOL

mum of 3 boys aged 11, 13 and 14

DH just came out about 2 weeks ago with the 'i want another baby' line

^^ I wish my df would say that to me! <img src='<#EMO_DIR#>/dry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='<_<' /> At least then he will get more from me than usual! laugh
My husband too has come out recently and said he wants another baby - to say I was surprised is a major under-statement. He had decided while ttc number 3 that 2 kids would be enough for us (I was already about 3.5wks pregnant when he said that), so asking for a 4th has just blown my mind.
I love kids, I love being pregnant (once morning sickness goes) - but I just can't see myself going through it all again and having the sleepless nights again. And then there's the money and space issue - which we probably could overcome, but it would take a lot of planning that I just can't be bothered with!
I'm only 30, so there is time for me to change my mind in the future - but he seems to be wanting another one within a years time...I never would have imagined I'd be in this situation!

So, I'm no help to you either sorry - I hope you're able to get some ideas or advice!
My DH always wanted 3 kids, me i only wanted 2. When he felt I was "ready" he started having the 3rd baby talk. I wasnt really interested to begin with but gave in for him. He does ALOT in the terms of parenting, changes bums, midnight feeds etc. I guess that was the big thing for me, knowing he wanted another and was willing to step up. I dont regret having DS3 for the world!

And here we are again after going to the docs to talk contraception we find ourselves in the pregnancy boat again.
I don't think there is an easy answer to this one sad

I'm on the other side of the coin, we have two boys close in age. We'd always pre-agreed to two kids close in age.

It was me who changed their mind after DS2 and wanted a third. DH is happy with the two we have.

He knows I would love one more, but I'm not going to push him into it either, as I don't think you should be pushed into something if you don't want it. I think BOTH parties have to want the child when bringing a life into the world.

What do I do? I look at what I 'DO' have rather than what I don't have if that makes sense wink
When we got engaged we always said 2 to 3 kids then when we where pregnant with little man hubby said that it. Now when i was having my c-section i said i wanted another and he said no. 3 months later he said he wanted to try for a girl and i said no but i think about it.

So i thought about it after he told me why and i said yes but that it. I'm getting me tubes tied and i happy.

It wasn't easy to say yes to another but hubby knows we can afford and look after another baby. Plus the 2 boys would love another sibling and i'm sure i can handle it.

Now in 5 weeks we ttc baby no 3.

Hi ladies - I know it's been a while but thought I'd add an update on this thread.

Firstly thankyou all for your replies smile

I had a chat with DH about it, and he was actually the one to say that he's happy with the two we've got and doesn't think we should have another baby. I feel kind of relieved, and also happy that it wasn't me telling him he couldn't have something he wanted - he came to that conclusion on his own so I know we're on the same page.

So that is that I guess!
that's great news!!
DH & I have decided against another as well - BUT - i dont think that he is completely happy with it... I do really think that deep down inside he would love another 1 or maybe 2, but he understands where i am coming from too & has said that he is 'stoked' that we were able to even have 2 kids.. so, i guess somewhere in there we are actually on the same page, but for different reasons smile
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