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Do you think people are honest about unexpected pregnancies/babies? Lock Rss

I had the most interesting conversation in woollies yesterday with someone I used to work with. It is the first time I'd ever heard anyone talk about their baby in the way that she did. I actually believe that if I were in her shoes I'd feel the same.

I've only ever heard people say 'I was upset at first but now its the best thing that could have happened', or 'I wouldn't change a thing now'. It is ALWAYS portrayed that once you fall in love with the unexpected surprise that everything is just fine and any kind of negative thought process is instantly gone.

Now I havn't had any surprises so obviously I can't say what it's like... So I wanted to know from you other ladies what it is you experienced.

This lady's story goes like this; she was a nurse, she met her husband and they had kids in their late 30's. a boy and a girl. They were just starting to find life getting a bit easier now that their youngest had turned 5 and both were off to school. She quit nursing to start a family day care business at home, did all the study and renovated their house so that it was also suitable for child care. They planned a trip to the snow now that the kids were a bit older too. Her hubby refused to get a vasectomy so she kept taking the pill diligently, but low and behold at the age of 43 discovers she is pregnant. She was completely devistated, to the point where she even considered abortion but they couldn't go through with that. They were just downright devistated; their family was supposed to be finished, they'd sold their baby gear and all.
So here she was in woollies with her now 3 month old, and she is looking at him affectionately and I can see she loves him... But she's telling me that although she loves him it really is a big drag on their life going through all the baby stage again. She's trying to drop two kids to school in the morning, look after the baby as well as run their family day care with other people's kids. She looks tired, she doesn't want to work now that there's another baby but she has no option, and all their plans for the future are now on hold again. One of her day care kids is a baby the same age as hers, and this baby doesn't ever want to be put down.. Rocked to sleep, held all day, crying all day, and she is having to spend more of her time with this other baby than with her own. She says its like having twins! She says she can't help but think what would have been if this hadnt have happened. She had her tubes tied at the same time that he was born (c-section).

Now I bet a lot of you will judge them for not being more careful, but I actually admire her honesty. I've never ever in my life heard of it in this light, and it scares the pants off me that this could happen to my family! (Dh is booked for a vasectomy next month but there's still time :-/)

How many people feel like this lady does? All of them? Most of them? Or do you think that maybe she is the exception and everybody else loves their circumstance once the baby is born?

I actually love hearing honest stories. How people REALLY feel about their pregnancy and how they feel after the baby is born. While my DD was a planned pregnancy, I was 21 and very naive about what it would be like to have a baby. I hated pregnancy, I got sick of people telling me how magical it was when it was bloody awful. Then DD was born. In the moment I first met her I was stressed and anxious because she was whisked away from me for oxygen and I didn't get the "I'm so in love with you" moment. I thought she was beautiful, I was proud and relieved, but I didn't get that instant love. And it didn't come soon either. It's hard to explain - while I of course loved her and wanted to do the best for her, I did not feel IN love with her and I certainly didn't enjoy her. Having a newborn was just difficult for so long. Between the feeding issues, my total inexperience of caring for a baby, the pain I was in for months from the birth, a very demanding and unsettled baby and then having to go through surgery when she was 9 weeks old, I can honestly say I hated being a mum for the first 3 months. It was awful, I cried all the time, while I didn't regret my daughter, I regretted our timing of having her. It was not until somewhere around the 3 - 4 month mark that I settled in a bit and it was not until she was maybe 5 or 6 months old that I really truly fell in love with her and really could say I loved being a mum. I don't tell many people this because they think something is wrong with me - because everyone says that when you meet your baby it's so amazing etc. But seriously, the bonding process for me was a lot more drawn out. I think mostly because of all the unexpected challenges we faced in the beginning but nobody ever tells you that it can be normal to not have the "I'm so in love" feelings at first and more importantly, that if you find yourself not bonding straight away that it does not mean you're a bad mum or that you won't ever feel those things.

So not exactly what you asked, but just my honest experience.

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Never been in that situation as all of my kids were planned, however I also admire her for her honesty and I can see where she's coming from, 43yrs old, past the baby stage, big plans for her 'older' life and bam along comes a baby and puts that off for a few more years! I can see how she would be upset/disappointed whatever, I'm sure she loves her baby more than anything she's probably sad more than anything smile

Skubs apart from the surgery bit I could've written that myself. I took 6 months to feel anything for my dd, I was 22 and I think far too young to be having a baby. 22 might not seem that young, and others are fine to have kids at that age. But just for me, I didn't know who I was yet and hadnt worked out how to deal with my feelings or cope with it not being how I thought it'd be.

I tell my story often because I think its important that first time mums have a realistic expectation of what's going to happen smile

i can really understand where she is coming from. Especially considering her age. I have a little story of my own and just hope that i dont get judged here.
Ds1 and 2 were planned. I only ever wanted the two and after ds2 was old enough i gave all of my baby things to my pregnant sister in law. I was looking forward to them going to school etc. I had the implant in and everything looked like it was going great. Then Dh and i had some problems and we seperated for a while. During this time i started having some problems with my implant (bleeding etc) and since i didnt need it anymore i decided to have it taken out. After a few months dh and i managed to sort things out. Ds1 was in prep and the following year ds2 was starting kinder and i was really excited to be going back to work to be able to financially contribute to the house hold. Then i discovered i was pregnant with ds3...... i litterally sat and cried for ages. I didnt really get excited about being pregnant until near the end and then i was more excited about being near the end and it was nearly over. Ds3 was born and i fell in love with him. We got a routine going and things are going really well. I would love to add another bub to our family somedays, but then somedays like today i think about how i should be able to start working now that both my older boys are in school.

Maybe your friend needs to close her business for while until she is feeling a little better about everything??

I could not imagine going back to having a baby. Our 2 are at a point where they can feed themselves, entertain each other and we are able to go places and do things that all of us can enjoy.

I feel sorry for her in so many ways because the life she had planned and worked for has to be put on hold again.
Willas mummy that must have been pretty scary at 19! I think that the experience would vary from someone who hasn't had kids and is young to somone who's quite a bit older and thought they were finished having kids, all I know is that I don't want to be in that situation!

3 boys I don't judge you.. You are definately allowed to 'feel' when something as big as that pops up unexpectedly.

I think this lady has put so much into the renos that she has to keep working now. They had thought they'd afford it fine because she intended to work the business not have a baby and stop working.

I'm one of those people who wouldn't change a thing love my boy to bits but I did take a while to get my head round the idea.

I did consider abortion but now hes here i do feel guilty that thought crossed my mind but where all human at the end of the day.

I don't feel sorry for though they have a child and that child doesn't need feelings of resentment or to feel unwanted.

I know you say shes a great mum (I don't doubt that) but babies are just small people and they sense these things.

Hope the mummy thing becomes smoother for her soon its def the hardest and emotional thing I've ever been through.

Ooh and agree with axioms comment to a t.

Both my boys where planned & so was the baby i lost.
I don't like to judge others & the fact that this lady is so open about it is great.

My sil got pregnant with her 3rd, she says she miss 2 tablets & her DH said she planned it. She treats the 3rd one like he shouldn't be there but her DH loves him to pieces.

I can honestly say I have never been a 'natural' parent. I remember vividly rocking both babies and either appologising to them for being the mother they chose, or saying repeatively 'I love you' trying to convince myself, especially in the early days. I had a hard time 'losing' what I knew to be my identity. And coming around to being the person I am now....mum! smile
I know I am not a bad parent, it was just hard convincing myself I wasn't. Or I would see other mothers and be sure that they had it more together than I did. I too wouldn't swap my bubs for anything, I love them to pieces, but I read into the stereotype too much and took a lot of convincing in my head to be ok with this new role. I just wish I had of run into more 'honest' parents about how it's not always the instant bond that you read about. I still had the lioness instinct - you hurt my baby, I'll hurt you, but was confused as to where I fitted into the world. Still am somedays, but they are fewer and further between smile
Good on her for being honest. I live my ds to bits but especially with what we are going through at the moment I often think about what my life would have been like without him.


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