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What do you think of this? Gender disappointment... Lock Rss

~NoDdY~ wrote:
Also i hate it when people say "oh good you've got one of each now you don't need any more." Yeh like that freaking matters!

You know sometimes i want to throw out a couple more kids just to spite the idiots who say that.

I got that sooo many times after having DS and DD1, then when I was pregnant with DD2 I had many people say "Are you crazy? Why do you want more, you've already got one of each!" Like, you only have kids to get a boy and a girl!
OC I understand what you're saying BUT I think what you described re: rape victim etc is not really gender disappointment. I think that is fear and unresolved issues and I think it's completely different.

These women wanted girls so they could go shopping, do the dressing up and formals and all the rest of it. I do understand that desire to have a little girl and do those girly things... but even having a girl doesn't garauntee that you will get that. What if they got pregnant with a girl who was more interested in getting out and playing footy with her brothers than doing her nails - how does the woman feel then? Disappointed that her daughter is not the daughter she actually wanted?

I know people who have had just the one gender and they do sometimes say "oh I would have loved a girl/boy" but they don't dwell on the topic and they certainly never treated the kids they had differently because of it. And as Noddy said, if a girl comes into the family, how does that affect the other kids - it's like ultimate favouritism.

The comment about being comparable to infertility was the one that really got my blood boiling




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Skubala wrote:
OC I understand what you're saying BUT I think what you described re: rape victim etc is not really gender disappointment. I think that is fear and unresolved issues and I think it's completely different.

These women wanted girls so they could go shopping, do the dressing up and formals and all the rest of it. I do understand that desire to have a little girl and do those girly things... but even having a girl doesn't garauntee that you will get that. What if they got pregnant with a girl who was more interested in getting out and playing footy with her brothers than doing her nails - how does the woman feel then? Disappointed that her daughter is not the daughter she actually wanted?

And as Noddy said, if a girl comes into the family, how does that affect the other kids - it's like ultimate favouritism.

The comment about being comparable to infertility was the one that really got my blood boiling


+1. Yep, couldnt agree more.
Skubala wrote:
OC I understand what you're saying BUT I think what you described re: rape victim etc is not really gender disappointment. I think that is fear and unresolved issues and I think it's completely different.


I used extreme examples, but there are various shades of grey. It is gender disappointment, but it comes from a much deeper place.

I think that people aren't as shallow as they come across. There are plenty of people who are "normal" they are just determined to get a certain gender. When you dig a little deeper though, there are all sorts of gender issues that arise from long ago. Whether its you grew up surrounded by a certain gender and its what you are confident with or whether its something much more extreme.
I know of quite a few people who have experienced gender disappointment and its nowhere near as shallow as wanting to do girl things over boys things or vice versa. On the surface it can come across as that, but thats probably them not letting you in any further. wink

I mean honestly....do you seriously think people would go to such extremes if there wasn't an issue somewhere..
even if they come across as the shallowest person in the world, they seldom are when you look at how they got there.
I will just add, I think that in no way should the child be involved in this. I don't think parents should be able to pick a gender, I don't think they should discuss it with the child. I think a baby should be loved unconditionally.

To get a parent with this issue to this point though is the hard part. If everyone just assumes they are selfish and shallow and its based on nothing more then image, then it has nothing to do with the actual issues at hand.
The fact is there are thousands THOUSANDS of women who have some form of gender disappointment. How they get there is due to so many different factors. usually it just takes a change of perspective to get them back on track, but there are many who need to work much harder to get to that point. There are also quite a few who don't deal with the issues and just try to fix the symptom, which in this case is the gender of the baby.

Like i said oc if you are THAT effected then you have mental problems. Don't care where they stem from but they are issues that need addressing.

Skub
Yep, its pretty selfish and narrow minded to say its like having fertility issues because a woman with fertility problems would give anything for a baby no matter what it looked like, gender, etc.




OOOHHH... INTERNET FIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? CAPS LOCK ME TOO DEATH?
(Noddy's not fat ffs!)

I find this a hard subject because I am a compassionate person and I should have compassion for people who have gender disappointment but I don't, they make me so angry. I have known a few people with it and they were selfish people... that is the only way to put it, they were simply selfish and got upset and let the fact that they couldn't get the gender they wanted affect their lives.
One lady had a girl and a boy through IVF and then went on to get pregnant naturally and was put out by it and then found out it was a girl and was upset and cried and cried about it. After she had gone through so much to have babies she was upset because she got one that was not planned..... selfish selfish lady .

When I lost my first baby and was told I would not conceive again naturally I did a lot of soul searching and made a deal with myself in my mind. I had already been a mum I knew what it felt like to be a mum and what it felt like to bury a baby. I decided that any baby, any gender at anytime would be welcome unconditionally by me and would be loved and cherished. I decided that if I did not get he chance to have any more babies I would be okay about it and if I got only one that would be okay too
I basically left it up to nature and life to give to me what was allocated to me.

I now have 3 beautiful babies. MY first dd was conceived not long after I made this descision- she was my miracle baby-, dd2 was conceived by accident when I just met my dh and my ds took two years to conceive. All of my babies have been welcomed with open arms and told all of them how much I loved them the moment I found out about them regardless of gender or fault. I would also welcome any more that past the post even though I have finished my babies now because every life is important and every life is precious.

I don't see how any parent has a right to reject a baby just because it is not what they wanted it to be. It is an innocent child who did not ask to be conceived by parents who put conditions on its conception.

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I think we need to remember in life that everyone follows a different path. They experience different things, thoughts and feelings. All of this contributes to the people that we become and the decisions that we are faced with. I bet these women who feel gender disappointment would give anything not to feel that way. No one wants to feel like that.

I have learnt that everyone has a story and to the women who have these thoughts and feelings I think there should be more awareness and more support to help them work through that rather than stating that they have mental problems.



Ooh I wish I had've seen it!

I have a friend who has 4 gorgeous boys, youngest is 6, oldest is 16, she said after the birth of her youngest boy her and her husband cried for a week when they found out he was a boy. Makes me so sad.

She just came back from overseas to try and be inseminated with a girl. Before she went I couldn't believe that she could go to to that extreme to have a little girl and she should feel so blessed to have her four beautiful healthy boys. And how would the boys feel about their parents going to such extremes to get their precious daughter?

Unfortunately things didn't work out in Thailand and she came home very depressed about what had happened. I feel so bad for her even though I know it was a selfish thing and that she should be grateful for her boys.

Just goes to show some people are just not meant to have certain genders regardless of what lengths they go to, don't mess with nature.




i find this upsetting for the kids!! i have 3 boys and while i would love a girl i would not be dissapointed if i ever had another boy and never get my girl.

How can you not love the children you are blessed to be able to have? Its a miracle that we can have kids at all!!





When I had my ultrasound with DS and found out he was another boy, I got all teary and it took a few days to get over it and get excited and bond with him as my wonderful little man.

I expect reading that has probably ruffled a few feathers, but reactions might be a bit tempered when you find out why. This is a long story but if you're interested, here's why...

I have a grown son, who is wonderful. He is also autistic. I have always loved him just as he is. I had him at 18 and we had years of thinking he'd never talk, but we learnt sign language and I taught him to read and type (with a small device called a Canon Communicator) from the age of 3, so we could communicate. He had a brilliant memory from an early age and could do long division in his head before he was toilet trained. You could tell him a street name and a suburb and he could tell you what map and grid reference it was on in the street directory...when the street directory was out in the car. Really amazing savant stuff that dissipated as he gained social skills and learned to talk.

I adored my boy, although he wouldn't make eye contact and had no concept of boundaries. Like most parents of non-communicating kids, I just longed to hear him say "Mum" and be able to tell me about his day. After he turned 6, that finally happened. I was thrilled. I wouldn't ever have wanted to change him - his autism was part of who he was.

Then he became a teenager, and for the first time I longed for a "normal life" for him. He was bullied mercilessly through school. A kid stabbed him with a pencil and I had to get a doctor to remove the lead from his back. He was constantly mocked. He would hide in the school library at lunch and kids would torment him through the window, and the librarians said he was imagining it, until one day one spotted a gang out there whispering nasty things.

I took him out of school, home schooled him for a while and then found a great school that made all the difference. He made a group of friends for the first time ever! Over 3 years he did his SACE certificate. I was so proud.

I was scared all of my pregnancy that my next child would be autistic, and that I would have to watch another precious son endure all of the social isolation and bullying. Most autistic kids are boys, so I hoped for a girl, worried I'd spend the first few years with a boy looking for eye contact, watching how he played, watching for signs.

A day or so after I found out my two year old was a boy, I realised how much I loved him, gave him a name and went shopping. When he was born I knew very soon that he didn't have autism, but it would have been okay if he did.

For the record, the baby doing cartwheels inside of me is apparently a girl. I was very excited to hear this. It will be fun to have a daughter, but I have up worrying about autism when I had three miscarriages. I am sure I will love and cherish her just the same as I adore my two boys, no more, no less.

So, as Jarylee says, we're all on our own path. There's sometimes a lot more to it.
I think it's just so wrong to be disappointed about what gender your baby is. I have 2 girls and I'm completely fine with that. I never found out the sex with either of them. To be honest, with all the trouble I had to conceive dd2, I was just grateful that I had a healthy baby. When you have to go through secondary inferility, ivf and miscarriages you really don't care.
I'm lucky that I have 2 nephews so I really don't miss having a boy. I think you should be happy with what you get. All children are miracle and they shouldn't be made to feel any less because they are not the right gender.


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