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What do you think of this? Gender disappointment... Lock Rss

Jellybean icecream.

Yours isn't really a case that i link to gender disappointment. Though i guess in a way it is.

Reading your story to me is more about a concerned mother hoping for a healthy baby than a parent obsessed with gender.

Kudos to you for your fantastic work and strength. I hope your very proud of yourself and your son. smile




OOOHHH... INTERNET FIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? CAPS LOCK ME TOO DEATH?
(Noddy's not fat ffs!)

Thank you, Noddy...I appreciate your kind words. I think I've been very blessed with all of my children. I don't think anyone's life is ever easy, and we don't always know everything going on behind the feelings they express. I have made a whole lot of mistakes in my time as a mother, but then I think the best any of us can do is love our kids and try to be the best mums we can, and support other mums who have their own struggles.

I do 100% agree that every child deserves to be lives just as they are, and to express disappointment to your child about something intrinsic to who they are is appallingly cruel.
Growing up I always wanted a big family and actually imagined myself with mainly girls. With each pregnancy I have found out the gender and to be perfectly honest I have always felt a small sense of dissappointment each time I was told it was a boy. But, having found out early, by the time I gave birth I had well and truely come to except it and I love all three of my little men as much as I could possibly imagine loving any child and I just couldn't imagine them being anything else.

So far we've had two attempts at finding out the gender of our current little bundle, but it has been very uncooperative and stubborn and refuses to give away any hints. While there is a part of me that still wants (and probably always will want) a little girl, I'm actually hoping it's another boy as I think this will be better for our family. I am worried that if we have a girl she will be treated differently (especially by DH) and because it is our fourth I'm worried the boys will question whether or not we only kept trying because we wanted a girl (even though this one wasn't planned). Plus I'm loving the idea of having even numbers so there less chance of someone feeling left out and if we have a girl it may not work out quite as well.

I know our extended family are all hoping we have a girl and everytime someone finds out we're pregnant again the first thing they say is, "maybe it will be a girl" which is really starting to bug me. More so though because when I tell people I would actually like another boy they look at me like they don't quite believe me and that I'm only trying to convince myself.

I do think though if I do have another little boy I will always grieve a little bit for the daughter I never had, especially during certain milestones and events, but there is no way in hell I would keep trying to have babies just in the hope one would eventually be a girl.

I did see/hear a news story a couple of years ago about an Australian couple who had terminated a pregnancy after finding out it was another boy when they wanted a girl and I was absolutely hoffirfied by the story. The couple had gone public with their story because they wanted to start a petition to leagalise gender selection in Australia for purposes other then medical reasons. I can only begin to imagine what type of negative affect that will have on their sons as they grow up.

Just throwing in a couple of interesting little facts on gender (well according to some research stuff I read):

- There is only a 50/50 chance of getting a gender when you fall pregnant the first time (but even that's only a hypothetical 50/50 for the chances of calculating without gender testing of the sperm).

- Once you have a baby of one gender there is a 75% chance of your next baby being the same gender.

- If you have two children of the one gender ther is a 90 (something)% chance a 3rd baby will be the same gender (and for any subseuqent children the percentages remain in the hogh 90% range)..

- Only a very small percentage of men have an even 50/50 ratio of male to female sperm. Most will be more dominant in one particular gender.











That's really interesting My Three Little Terror Tots.




I think there is only one reason for people to be allowed to use gender selection, to avoid a devastating gender linked debilitating and/or fatal disease (such as Duchenne muscular dystrophy) I think this may have been why the technology was developed in the first place. This is the only reason i can think of for using it.

I can understand maybe a little appointment if it wasn't the gender you were hoping for but you really need to get over your self pretty quickly. We are all adults and know that their are things in life we don't get to choose. I think you choose to have a child not a gender, maybe they should consider adopting a baby girl who needs a loving home. In some cultures there have been instances where girls are not wanted and abandoned or worse, so why cant they think of these baby girls?
My 3 Little Terror Tots! wrote:
Growing up I always wanted a big family and actually imagined myself with mainly girls. With each pregnancy I have found out the gender and to be perfectly honest I have always felt a small sense of dissappointment each time I was told it was a boy. But, having found out early, by the time I gave birth I had well and truely come to except it and I love all three of my little men as much as I could possibly imagine loving any child and I just couldn't imagine them being anything else.

So far we've had two attempts at finding out the gender of our current little bundle, but it has been very uncooperative and stubborn and refuses to give away any hints. While there is a part of me that still wants (and probably always will want) a little girl, I'm actually hoping it's another boy as I think this will be better for our family. I am worried that if we have a girl she will be treated differently (especially by DH) and because it is our fourth I'm worried the boys will question whether or not we only kept trying because we wanted a girl (even though this one wasn't planned). Plus I'm loving the idea of having even numbers so there less chance of someone feeling left out and if we have a girl it may not work out quite as well.

I know our extended family are all hoping we have a girl and everytime someone finds out we're pregnant again the first thing they say is, "maybe it will be a girl" which is really starting to bug me. More so though because when I tell people I would actually like another boy they look at me like they don't quite believe me and that I'm only trying to convince myself.

I do think though if I do have another little boy I will always grieve a little bit for the daughter I never had, especially during certain milestones and events, but there is no way in hell I would keep trying to have babies just in the hope one would eventually be a girl.

I did see/hear a news story a couple of years ago about an Australian couple who had terminated a pregnancy after finding out it was another boy when they wanted a girl and I was absolutely hoffirfied by the story. The couple had gone public with their story because they wanted to start a petition to leagalise gender selection in Australia for purposes other then medical reasons. I can only begin to imagine what type of negative affect that will have on their sons as they grow up.

Just throwing in a couple of interesting little facts on gender (well according to some research stuff I read):

- There is only a 50/50 chance of getting a gender when you fall pregnant the first time (but even that's only a hypothetical 50/50 for the chances of calculating without gender testing of the sperm).

- Once you have a baby of one gender there is a 75% chance of your next baby being the same gender.

- If you have two children of the one gender ther is a 90 (something)% chance a 3rd baby will be the same gender (and for any subseuqent children the percentages remain in the hogh 90% range)..

- Only a very small percentage of men have an even 50/50 ratio of male to female sperm. Most will be more dominant in one particular gender.


Sorry to say but the myth around gender in subsequent pregnancies is just that, a myth. Every pregnancy has the same chance at being a male or female. I think it's slightly skewed towards one gender by a percent or less.

I will find a link about it.

Regarding gender disappointment - I try not to judge those who experience it as it seems to be a very real thing. I think it depends on your outlook and preconceived ideas about parenting/pregnancy. My own outlook is that gender is something you can't consciously determine and that when the miracle of dna lining up takes place, I am more concerned that those genes mean a healthy baby rather than what genitals it will have. But that is purely my outlook and I don't expect everyone views pregnancy through the same lens. I try not to get upset over stuff I can't control and I found pregnancy and childbirth so complex that I never really invested much emotion in to gender. Everyone knows someone who kept going for a boy or girl etc but again, you can't control their gender let alone how they will be have as a woman/man so wishing for a person to carry out your own ideas of what a girl or boy will be like sets up the child to fail the parent I think. What about the much wished for boy who doesn't want to play soccer with dad or is gay, same with the girls. My oldest girl is very tom boyish so far and I have a funny feeling that the only chance I will get to put frills and pink stuff on her is now not for much longer. If I had ideas of shopping and all things sugar and spice I would be sadly disappointed. These are just my ponderings around gender disappointment but I know it's real for some although I personally don't experience it.
here's one

http://genetics.thetech.org/ask-a-geneticist/wh...

and another

http://www.gender-baby.com/methods/odds-of-havi...
stedy_on wrote:
here's one

http://genetics.thetech.org/ask-a-geneticist/wh...

and another

http://www.gender-baby.com/methods/odds-of-havi...


Thank you for posting those Stedy_on, high school and university biology was telling me that at least some of those facts just could not be true. Its just impossible to produce more x or y sperm, it would always be equal, initially any way.
~NoDdY~ wrote:
Also i hate it when people say "oh good you've got one of each now you don't need any more." Yeh like that freaking matters!

You know sometimes i want to throw out a couple more kids just to spite the idiots who say that.


When I told my mum I was preg again she said but y u have the perfect family a boy and a girl u don't need any more so I corrected her and said no I actually have 3 girls and 2 boys (my dh older children from prev relationship who are extremely close to their younger siblings) so this is intact number 6 her mouth nearly dropped to the floor I am so over people saying have you found out what your having I have no interest on finding out and i when my babies were born gender was almost an afterthought all that mattered was our bubby was healthy. My mother in law has jokingly said to me you are going to upset the balance as she has 18 grandchildren 9 boys and 9 girls but I know she means no malice in her comments she is actually on to her first great grandchild now but I have told her I'm quite happy to keep going and bring it to an even 20 for her.
JellybeanIcecream wrote:
When I had my ultrasound with DS and found out he was another boy, I got all teary and it took a few days to get over it and get excited and bond with him as my wonderful little man.

I expect reading that has probably ruffled a few feathers, but reactions might be a bit tempered when you find out why. This is a long story but if you're interested, here's why...

I have a grown son, who is wonderful. He is also autistic. I have always loved him just as he is. I had him at 18 and we had years of thinking he'd never talk, but we learnt sign language and I taught him to read and type (with a small device called a Canon Communicator) from the age of 3, so we could communicate. He had a brilliant memory from an early age and could do long division in his head before he was toilet trained. You could tell him a street name and a suburb and he could tell you what map and grid reference it was on in the street directory...when the street directory was out in the car. Really amazing savant stuff that dissipated as he gained social skills and learned to talk.

I adored my boy, although he wouldn't make eye contact and had no concept of boundaries. Like most parents of non-communicating kids, I just longed to hear him say "Mum" and be able to tell me about his day. After he turned 6, that finally happened. I was thrilled. I wouldn't ever have wanted to change him - his autism was part of who he was.

Then he became a teenager, and for the first time I longed for a "normal life" for him. He was bullied mercilessly through school. A kid stabbed him with a pencil and I had to get a doctor to remove the lead from his back. He was constantly mocked. He would hide in the school library at lunch and kids would torment him through the window, and the librarians said he was imagining it, until one day one spotted a gang out there whispering nasty things.

I took him out of school, home schooled him for a while and then found a great school that made all the difference. He made a group of friends for the first time ever! Over 3 years he did his SACE certificate. I was so proud.

I was scared all of my pregnancy that my next child would be autistic, and that I would have to watch another precious son endure all of the social isolation and bullying. Most autistic kids are boys, so I hoped for a girl, worried I'd spend the first few years with a boy looking for eye contact, watching how he played, watching for signs.

A day or so after I found out my two year old was a boy, I realised how much I loved him, gave him a name and went shopping. When he was born I knew very soon that he didn't have autism, but it would have been okay if he did.

For the record, the baby doing cartwheels inside of me is apparently a girl. I was very excited to hear this. It will be fun to have a daughter, but I have up worrying about autism when I had three miscarriages. I am sure I will love and cherish her just the same as I adore my two boys, no more, no less.

So, as Jarylee says, we're all on our own path. There's sometimes a lot more to it.


I understand my little man is autistic and a lot of people have raised the issue what if u have a boy aren't the chances higher of autism being present well yes apparently they are but I wouldn't change my boy for the world and if that happens so bloody what some days are easier dealing with the autism than dealing with my neurotypical daughters crap. Social issues this person did this or that talking back when my boy has a moment there is genuinely something behind it I just worry about the future when I'm not around but his older siblings(dh children from a prev relationship aged 21,18, 15) have all reassured me they will be there for him as too his sister who is only 14 months older whenever she talks about the future Her brother is always right beside her in her plans sometimes I feel guilty like I'm placing a burden on the other kids but life turns out like this sometimes ou just gotta do the best with what you have and be greatful because there is always somebody out there doing it harder.
Katlee17 wrote:
I think there is only one reason for people to be allowed to use gender selection, to avoid a devastating gender linked debilitating and/or fatal disease (such as Duchenne muscular dystrophy) I think this may have been why the technology was developed in the first place. This is the only reason i can think of for using it.

I can understand maybe a little appointment if it wasn't the gender you were hoping for but you really need to get over your self pretty quickly. We are all adults and know that their are things in life we don't get to choose. I think you choose to have a child not a gender, maybe they should consider adopting a baby girl who needs a loving home. In some cultures there have been instances where girls are not wanted and abandoned or worse, so why cant they think of these baby girls?
Adoption is actually quite a difficult process. There are lots of hurdles and red tape to get through. It can cost thousands, some countries require you to live there for at least 3 months, other countries only let certain countries adopt their kids and then you also have to fulfill the Australian requirements as well. So basically you have to get through 2 countries political red tape. It isn't as simple as there are lots of needy children here, here is a wad of cash and you take them home. Its a very long, expensive process where you are at the will of the governments involved.
OC1246 wrote:
Adoption is actually quite a difficult process. There are lots of hurdles and red tape to get through. It can cost thousands, some countries require you to live there for at least 3 months, other countries only let certain countries adopt their kids and then you also have to fulfill the Australian requirements as well. So basically you have to get through 2 countries political red tape. It isn't as simple as there are lots of needy children here, here is a wad of cash and you take them home. Its a very long, expensive process where you are at the will of the governments involved.


You are totally right, I know that adoption process in Australia is difficult and have heard people like Deborra-Lee Furness campaigning about it. I knew a women who went through the process and it takes years. I was under the impression that the documentary was about people in Britain (please correct me if I'm wrong) where things might be different, I could also be wrong about this. I was in no way saying that a wad of cash will make things happen, but in some instances people are paying a large amount of money to travel overseas for this procedure. I think what I really wanted to say if these people really truly wanted a particular gender then maybe adoption or fostering a needy child would be better. We are very fortunate that we live a society where men and women are pretty much valued equally, we should be very grateful for this. It just seems such a first world complaint, "I didn't get the gender I wanted ".
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