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  5. 5 year old constantly being rude and saying 'I hate you'

5 year old constantly being rude and saying 'I hate you' Rss

Hi all,

I'm after some advice about my almost 6 year olds behaviour. I have had such a range of opinions from my friends and family and have tried a few things but nothing is working.

My DD is generally a well behaved child-now! She is has a strong personality and can be very full on and stubborn but i have learnt to read her well over the years and have changed my parenting style to suit her personality which has worked well for us.

However over the past month or so she has started being very rude, talking back, answering with 'blah blah blah' if i ask her to do anything and saying she hates me often. Now I know a lot if this is an age thing but it's really bothering me.

My DH and friends have told me she does it as she knows it works me up so just ignore it - didn't work she just did it louder and more frequently.

I have tried time out the instance she does it. Doesnt work.

unfortunatley i have also tried yelling which of course just increases the grumpiness!!! And is not how I parent and not something i enjoy doing.

So does anyone have any constructive advice to give me please?

I also would think consistency even if you don't see the effect straight away. and me personally (don't have a 5 year old) would try the ignoring for a bit longer or some thing totally different. If she has a set bed time, tell her every time she says that or is rood she will go to bed for example 5 minutes earlier and keep a telly and stick to it.
As parents I think it is a lot of trial and error so try find something that works for the both of you
Hi there. Poor you. The hate word is so strong and horrible. My three year old told me that he hates me yesterday, I don't think he understands what it really means. I was pretty upset that he said something like that. I put him in his room, calmed down and then went back in and had a chat with him. He said he was sorry and that he wouldn't say it again. We enjoyed the rest of our day.

I explained to him when we were talking that 'mummy spends most of her life trying to make him happy and that if he was going to say that he hates mummy, then mummys going to stop doing nice things for him'.

All the best. Sorry I don't have any real advice, but remember that even know she says that, it's not going to be true.
DD1 went through this last year. I put it down to a combination of things: she'd just started school so was seeing how other families parent and pushing to see if she could 'get away' with things she saw school mates doing, it was partially an age thing, we had a new addition to the family and she was trying to assert her independence a bit more.

For me I treated the different things in different ways. The rudeness and answering back etc was a time out - "You don't speak to me like that, go to your room/go to the time out chair". That was normally followed by her screaming at me that she hated me, that she wanted to go live with her grandparents, that no one loved her etc. I tried ignoring that for a long time but it became her go to statement any time she didn't get her own way, like the only way I could 'love' her was if I was letting her do exactly what she wanted. I'm not proud of this bit but one day, after being screamed at that she hated me and that she wanted to go live with her grandparents I burst into tears and said "Fine do you want me to call them and have them come get you". She then burst into tears and we sat down and had a big talk about it where I talked about how much it hurt that she was telling me she hated me so many times every day and I talked about the things I do for her every day that showed how much I loved her etc. We also talked a little bit about why she thought it was ok to say those things to me which boiled down to she was hoping I'd let her do what she wanted/she didn't feel understood in the things that had happened to send her to her room and was lashing out at me since I was the one sending her to her room. That lead to a discussion about the behaviours that were getting her sent to time out in the first place and we had a big talk about how she'd feel if someone was talking to her that way and if she'd want to spend time them etc as well as the fact that I wasn't going to change my expectations for behaviour just because xyz's parents let them do ... . Since then we haven't had as many meltdowns with "I hate you's" etc. She's still rude at times but she gets the same consequences as always. The few times I've had "I hate you" etc since then were times where she felt the consequences weren't fair/there was more to the story than I realised but she's learning that saying "I hate you" doesn't do much more than make me upset and keep her in time out for longer where as talking to me about the 'unfairness'/extra parts to the story when I let her out of time out does.

the answer to I hate you is,I am sorry that you feel that way because I will always love you

mum of 3 boys aged 11, 13 and 14

^^ what she said smile
I don't punish my kids for what they feel (or think they feel) so just let the "I hate yous" go with the above statement. Bad attitude or rudeness (blah, blah, eye-rolling or sarcasm) is not ok here. I would normally warn them and remind that it's not ok to be rude to anyone. If it continues then we have a screen ban. I've found switching off for at least a week to see some positive changes.
Thank you for all your comments. It makes me feel better to know I'm not over-reacting with believing the rude behaviour is unacceptable!

I think I need to stick with the time out for a while longer, be a bit more consistant maybe. I also love the "I'm sorry but I love you" I wil use this tomo. It also may help calm me down a bit too I think and stop me taking it so personally!

Thanks ladies, I appreciate your advice :=)

I use 1-2-3 magic emotional coaching with my DD1. She has been going through a rude phase at the moment.

I like the technique because it gives them a choice to change the behaviour or face the consequences. I generally don't need to explain why I am counting as she is old enough to know what is ok and not. Generally I only need to give her 'the look', and say 'one' and that's enough for her to pull her head in. If she is being cheeky and let's me get to three, then she has immediate punishment. It's not time out, as that doesn't really work for her anymore. I usually take something off her immediately, switch off the tv if she watching it, take away her tablet. Or make her do something straight away. Empty the bin, put away her sisters toys, pull 5 weeds out of the garden. Something quick, so that it's unpleasant, but not world ending.

Nasty words, whether it's to me or her sister aren't tolerated. I generally make no comment at the time, but say 'three' straight away without warning, punish straight away, then address it after. I usually tell her I love her, but don't like her behaviour when she says mean things and leave it at that.

vkw wrote:
the answer to I hate you is,I am sorry that you feel that way because I will always love you

I said this to DS1 when he was about 4yo's. He replied in an angry voice 'just stop loving me!' It was hard to keep a straight face!

And now he's 7, he has an attitude issue with rudeness. Sometimes it's what he sees at school, sometimes it's out of boredom. As pp have said, consistency is the key. Good luck.

I would ask some questions, such as "why do you feel that way?" but don't overreact to an answer, just listen.

I would also explain that it was upsetting when she said that, and could she say something else instead like "sometimes I don't like you", or "I feel very angry at you", that kind of thing. You could explain that phrases like that just should not be said to people.

I feel that time out is not a good choice, because it would likely just make her more upset and would make her feel more distant from you. (Presumably where the "i hate you" regularly is coming from in the first place?)
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