Advice : my step father, is refered ot as "Pa" & it makes me feel sick!!!!!

I need help & advice PLEASE,

I do not like my mum’s husband and I have good reasons for it.
Yes I am hung up on the past, yes I have been to counselling and no I will never get over what he has done.

My main problem is he calls himself "Pa" and everyone else also refers to him as "Pa" I have my own father who I have a beautiful relationship with who is my girls "Pa".
I told my mum he is not "Pa" and she needed to tell him before it becomes an issue, she said she wouldn't hurt him in such a way! I am too scared to say it to him. What can I do?

The worst thing is he has been good to me in recent years and so everyone else has conveniently forgotten or never new the past and think I’m being rude and making a big deal about nothing.

When I see him he is good with the girls and he really thinks he is their "Pa" he and mum don't even care to think I have problems, they have also forgotten everything.

I am scared when the kids are with him, I don't want mum to miss out on being a "granny" but she isn't respecting my wishes. I told her I didn't want the girls on their own with him ever. Then I went shopping to arrive home she’s in bed sleeping and my girl is up with just him.
Mum rolls her eyes and changes the subject if I try to talk to her about anything in my past.

My sister understands where I am coming from, however she doesn't have kids and she puts pressure on me to fix the "Pa" thing, and puts me in the middle. Saying things like can you say "Granny" can you say "(first name)" then he will say its "Pa" so now he drills it to my girls I just want to scream "You’re not their Pa" but I’m way to scared.

I feel like a scared little kid, and I’m not sure if I’m scarred for myself or for the girls.

HELP ME PLEASE, anything will help advice, understanding or a similar story!!!!

Thanks Amy

from what i gather it was serious the issues in the past and if your mum can't respect your wishes with your girls i would be telling her that this can't continue. I would not allow people to disregard your feelings and they need to remember you are the mother to your girls and have every right to ensure they are safe. I had the issue with my step dad but the issue with him were not serious but i didn't want my children to call him grandpa so i used grumps instead and he has taken this on affectionately and jokes with the kids that he i grumps because he can get grumpy at times. I hope this is helpful but i wouldn't allow your family to not acknowledge your wishes for your girls. Good luck.

Hi

Can your girls call him 'Pa first name'? Just to differentiate between him and your Dad. They will know the difference, and it won't affect their relationship with your father.

It sounds as though the bigger issue is not whether they call him 'Pa', but whether you feel they are safe. Whatever the situation in the past, it's made you uncomfortable to have them alone with him. Your mother and everyone else should respect that. It's your job to protect your daughters. I would suggest you talk to your mum and tell her that she must respect your wishes or you won't leave them with her any more. Not that she can't see them, just that you'll be there.

I made a ruling that my son was not to be alone with my FIL (he was violent toward his own children, although not now) nor was he to be present if FIL is drinking. My dh is supportive - although he thinks I'm over-reacting. I DON'T CARE. My son comes first.

Stand your ground. You are trying to do the best you can for your girls.

I agreee with Mikey's mum, your children come first. If your mother can't respect you wishes in this matter then you should not leave your children with them, if you mum wants to see your children then she must come and see you, at your house, under your rules. This may be a hassle for you if you are having trouble finding a babysitter or carer for your children but if it means there is never a chance of your girls being alone with someone whom you deem unsuitable to care for them then it is worth it.

As far as your children not calling him Pa well your mother needs to respect your wishes on this one too, her having 'forgotten' or moved on from past events doesn't mean you have, and a few years of good behaviour on his part doesn't necessarily make up for inexcusable past behaviour. You may have forgiven him for what he did, but that doesn't mean you have to forget, or treat him with the affection of a father and grandfather. If they do not respect your wishes on this then again do not go to their home and make all visitations at your home under your rules.

Put your foot down on this one and ask your sister to give you support and back-up, and not to dictate from the side. If she is standing by your side it may let them know just how serious you both are and will help you face him directly as I don't think asking your mum to play messenger will work, he may need to hear it dirrectly from you to get the message.

dont be scared, im not sure what he did to you in the past but if you dont want him being pa then dont let him call him self that, your an adult now you have your own life and if your worried about everyone else thinking your being mean by not letting your kids call him pa then fill them in on what happened maybe they will change their tune, you have every right to not want your kids to call him pa my dads ex partner was calling herself nonna to my first child one they were never married so she is in no way his nonna plus shes not italian like WTF my kids no longer see her as i dont like her one bit, so i think if it bothers you so mmuch say something dont worry about hurting someone who obviously hurt you so much and didnt care.

I agree with the others, I'm in the same situation with my step father, he was a very abusive man. I won't let my son any where near him and i will not have him influencing him in any way. He is refered to as Big Pop or poppy **** (insert name here) just to keep the peace. I feel for you and totally understand where your coming from ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you and good luck

Hi Sorry havent read all posts because i am hanging to have my say after reading your post.

As far as I'm concerned, he lost all rights to your children to be "pa" along time ago. Whatever the issue was i can understand you are nervous to leave them in his care, i seriously think you should put your foot down and talk with your mum. her rolling her eyes isn't helping the situation, all it does is make your more uneasy about leaving your kids there when you aren't around because obviously she thinks its all done and dusted (whatever had happened in the past). Don't worry about whether they get the shi&ts or not your kids come first. You are doing a great job dont ever doubt that, no matter how they make you feel.

Goodluck with it all xx

Hiya

I am sure your reasons for not wanting him to be Pa are valid and should be respected. It's a little hard though if your girls have already been calling him Pa, and would prob be confused as they wouldn't understand why that would change. I feel for you as i hate as prob all mums do when our wishes towards OUR children are ignored!!!

I guess my DH had a similar issue with his mothers partner. My DH's father has passed away, and his Mum kept pushing the issue of her partner being Poppa Wazza but DH felt that he was replacing his father and wasn't comfortable with that as his Mothers partner has only been around 7years. I said i am happy to go with whatever DH decides. Eventually he seaprated the emotion from not having his Dad from his Mum's partner being called Poppa ..... His reasoning was that it wasn't fair for DD to miss out (how sweet).

But am sure this is very different to your situation and if you feel he shouldn't be Pa stick to it. Sure the girls might be a little confused but kids are resilient and they will be fine.

Hope you sort it all out...

smile Kristie

Wow Amy, sounds huge. We can chat about it later, but I briefly wanted to say... go with your gut instinct. If you feel at all unsure of him being with the kids, then you need to protects your girls. Regardless of how things have changed... I'm assuming the worst... you can't predict what his behaviour is going to be.

As for the name thing, I really don't know. If you're not able to speak openly and honestly with them, I'm really not sure what the best solution is. It sounds like there are lots of hurts that haven't been resolved, and changing his name from Pa to anything else is still not going to fix your hurt. There is an underlying issue, and if it's not this, it will be something else.

Anyway, that's enough of my Dr Phil impression, see you tomorrow. We can chat some more, would love it!

Love lots xoxo

Hi Amy, firstly i am so sorry to hear about what you've had to put up with for firstly yourself and now your children. I agree with everyone, tell your mum to respect the way you want it. It's your life and your responsibility is the safety of your kids, nothing else.

My mum is in an abusive relationship (althought she doesnt see it like that) and she thinks im being silly because i wont let Cohen have anytihng to do with him. I don't want him within 100 feet of that man. I find him disgusting and think he should be locked up.

You have every right to want it your way! It's your family... tell your mum and 'pa' that if your kids cant be supervised while under his care then they lose that right. Good luck xx

Thank You EVERYONE!!!

For taking th etime to read my post and mostly for offering your advise, it is all much appreciated.

Yes you all got the idea that i haven't dealt with my past and probally never will. I feel i need acknowledgment that things dod happen and no one will give me that and i can not make them!

I do need to address the "Pa" name soon my Oldest is starting to call him "Pa" now and i say "name" what am i doing to her. I tried to ring my mum last night and talked for 1 hour and didn't have the nerve to bring it up.

They live in another state so we don't see them muchbut when we do its for holidays in our house or in their house. When first was born they stayed for 6 weeks it was horrible!!

I love my mum to death and she is soooooooooooooooooo good on her own!! She is coming for 2 weeks next week, thats why it's playing on my mind (again).

OK I WILL be STRONG and I WILL say something when she is here!!!

Otherwise i will just vent to you guys!!!!!!

THANK YOU again!!!!!

let us know how you go Amy C and just remember we're here if you need to chat (or vent!)